Gizzits

[CaptainRidiculous]

I did 4 pickled eggs last night, I'm regretting it now it farking stinks in here

Bloodnok walt.

 

[JackSofty]

Got a call from the production company putting on the first run of Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell. They needed to hire some Judges' robes & a full- bottomed wig and what would we invoice them.
Me: Send two tickets and comp us a few g&ts and it's gratis.

 

[lert]

How odd. Most squaddies would simply masturbate if offered a spare ½ hour alone in a tent.

Alone? Someone's fancy....

 

[Hairy-boab]

Ah yes expenses and gifts... A friend was on a business trip (this was some time ago), got wasted and ended up watching the blue movie in his hotel. Obviously this showed up on the bill.

What to do? Obviously he wanted to avoid scandal, so paid that in cash and put the room on his corporate credit card. That line was blacked out on the bill and submitted for expenses.

Of course, the full investigations start. Who paid for that? What is it? etc etc etc. He was eventually forced to bring the original to the head harridan (a totally humourless German woman), and write a memo to his boss to explain it. Never lived it down! His boss was laughing his ass off with us in the pub afterwards at least.

 

[JackSofty]

Alone? Someone's fancy....

Need a hand (not offering, by the way)?

 

[JackSofty]

Not so much a 'gizzit' but the chap who used to sell newspapers & jazz mags outside King's cross station in the 80s & 90s, asking if I was a squaddie. Always gave me a discount on my grot material.

 

[smartascarrots]

I also scored an invite to Paisley Abbey when they were launching the campaign to have Paisley declared either this year's or last year's City of Culture, something that also may have been fouled up by those Chinese twunts.

I think sheer bewilderment at putting 'culture' next to 'Paisley' was what fouled it. The panel assumed it must have been a typo and shredded the application.

 

[Fat_Cav]

Ah yes expenses and gifts... A friend was on a business trip (this was some time ago), got wasted and ended up watching the blue movie in his hotel. Obviously this showed up on the bill.

What to do? Obviously he wanted to avoid scandal, so paid that in cash and put the room on his corporate credit card. That line was blacked out on the bill and submitted for expenses.

I stayed in a Hotel in Toronto for three weeks whilst helping out their local subsidiary.

I avoided the bar for drinks because we couldn't claim back alcohol on the company tab.
The last night I thought, I'll just get a beer and pay cash. I briefly joked about expenses to the (lush) barmaid, who told me that the Hotel's policy was to have all food and drink appear as 'Food' on the final hotel bill. She said it was a common theme amongst Business types, so they made brought the rule in to boost bar profits.

I was gutted. Schoolboy error. I could have just bought a cheap Subway Sandwich on the way home after work, then drunk a shite load of beer on the company.

I made a note to myself, always ask how the bill is structured before hitting , or not, the bar

 

[Hairy-boab]

I stayed in a Hotel in Toronto for three weeks whilst helping out their local subsidiary.

I avoided the bar for drinks because we couldn't claim back alcohol on the company tab.
The last night I thought, I'll just get a beer and pay cash. I briefly joked about expenses to the (lush) barmaid, who told me that the Hotel's policy was to have all food and drink appear as 'Food' on the final hotel bill. She said it was a common theme amongst Business types, so they made brought the rule in to boost bar profits.

I was gutted. Schoolboy error. I could have just bought a cheap Subway Sandwich on the way home after work, then drunk a shite load of beer on the company.

I made a note to myself, always ask how the bill is structured before hitting , or not, the bar

Depends who you work for I suppose. If USA tax payer cash is involved in any way in your business, it would not be worth the trouble. All it would take is one co-worker to inform (which they do all the time) and you'd end up in Guantanamo! They've no sense of humour in my experience. Private companies however, fill your boots! It is probably a sign of initiative.

 

[philc]

Late 80s, 90s & early 2000 I was an IT manager, so was or had lots of offers.

We used IT contractors, this was a case of Champers for Xmas, what’s your drink, Vodka you say, there we go, it went on.

Sailing, you like to sail, fancy a weekend at Cowes, we have a boat in Southampton marina.

Do you play Golf, er no, pity we have a day at Wentworth.

Looking at new software, you need to come to the head office in Amsterdam, meet the blousy software trainer.

We had a million pound contract with Sun Microsystems, I managed it, theatre night at the Ritz, turned the night down, why we lived in Balham and got the tube home.

My govner turned down British GP a few times, sales manager asks him why, cant be asrssed with traffic, oh we will fly you in on a chopper from Battersea.

I had one enthusiastic Indian girl who was after a PC spares and memory account, licking her lips, I will do any thing for the account, thanks happily with partner, do regret that one sometimes.

Trade shows, legless at everyone, I can see why it’s not done now, but it was good fun.

 

[Fat_Cav]

Depends who you work for I suppose. If USA tax payer cash is involved in any way in your business, it would not be worth the trouble. All it would take is one co-worker to inform (which they do all the time) and you'd end up in Guantanamo! They've no sense of humour in my experience. Private companies however, fill your boots! It is probably a sign of initiative.

Companies in the UK now are clamping down on expenses and nice-to-haves, and have been for a few years now.

Foreign travel now is non-existent for many businesses. Teams and Zoom can cover a business jolly
Company cars are being controlled tighter, by job role or eligibility criteria raised.
Expenses are being slowly whittled down and scrutinised to the nth degree.

 

[Hairy-boab]

Companies in the UK now are clamping down on expenses and nice-to-haves, and have been for a few years now.

Foreign travel now is non-existent for many businesses. Teams and Zoom can cover a business jolly
Company cars are being controlled tighter, by job role or eligibility criteria raised.
Expenses are being slowly whittled down and scrutinised to the nth degree.

Personally, I always thought it was a mistake to go after e.g. politicians expenses so hard. It was always going to filter down, and the fun police are unstoppable once they get a chance.

 

[exbluejob]

Expenses are being slowly whittled down and scrutinised to the nth degree.

This. I worked for a company where I was quite quickly promoted (compared to the RAF) and took on a project where they suddenly decided to give me the T&RE (Travel & Related Expenses) budget for my small team but also a larger number of people travelling from England to Scotland over a couple of years. They literally told me one morning with figures expected the next day!!! Out with the back of a fag packet and I told them £1.2 million. They said too much and I got the fag packet out of the bin, turns out I had factored in some costs (like removals etc.) which HR were paying, so back it went at just under a million, that was swallowed. I was authorising all the expenses (including mine) for a long time using a company credit card with not a cheep from the expenses repayment team. I know from people still working there that this isn't happening now, no more buying a blow out meal one night and a curry the next so it smooths out. No adding booze to the meals, everything accounted for to the penny and nothing over the daily allowance.

 

[Union Jack]

Many Years back, I was one of three Op Supervisors for a Home delivery company that used lot of spot agency. We all had out favourite agencies., mine was owned by a guy who I eventually got to call a mate.

When I left the company, I asked my mate if I could join his agency and go back to work at my pervious place, as a 7.5t driver as it was easy work. He obliged and offered to forego his fee, so I got 100% of the agency rate paid. I was on over £20k pro rata for a job that commanded £16k.


The same company a year later hoofed a Manager for accepting a bottle of Whisky at Chrimbo and not declaring it. It's all they could pin on him, even though he's been fleecing the company by using agency fuel cards for top up his personal motor to commute.

ETA. the same company too that failed/balls-up/whatever to discipline a delivery driver for using his Fuel card to fuel up his own car, on Boxing Day. Which wasn't rocket science to prove, as there was no trucks out on the road that day.

It's not too late to provide a little more detail!

Jack

 

[Fat_Cav]

It's not too late to provide a little more detail!

Jack

Ha. It was working for Curry's, the electrical chain.

One guy was caught w4knking in his cab, but was about it for perviness

 

[Victorian_Major]

I’ve been the happy recipient of quite a few choice bits of IT over the years - back when they were pretty special I had a 30” flatscreen monitor (also a seriously grunty desktop PC) courtesy of Dell. Also a nice little Microsoft Surface a few years ago. A HoloLens is on its way soon too.

I don’t tend to do being entertained. I’ll get half-a-dozen invites to speak a day, and the same to join ‘round tables’ (I actually have an outlook rule that flags the word and proposes deletion) and I just can’t be arrsed. In my role I do tend to have to be above such things too.

Another aspect is the incredible aggression of some of the supplier companies in my field. Israeli cybersecurity companies stand out: tenacious, cocky, highly sticky and often quite arrogant. The moment they have you in a dialogue you’re stuck. My EA on two occasions has been told that invites placed in my diary were approved by me, utter lies.

I’m also quite hard to entertain. Rugby matches are good fun, but sadly nobody has offered me a day rod on a nice trout stream - understandable when I’ll spend the day glaring at anyone who comes within 50 metres. I’ll ski with the family, not with strangers. I loathe golf with a venom, and driven shooting is infra dig for me.

Of course, the last two years has meant slim pickings anyway…

 

[Retired bloke]

I was talking about hospitality, not bribes. When I first came out of the kate I worked for a month or so in a car preparation unit, I always used to refuse tips from the car dealers on the basis I'm being paid to do this . However, I soon had that knocked out of me ! grin .

Kate= Kate Carney= army. She was a music hall singer, an wore a pearly queen costume. southwark born, a cockney. hence the rhyming slang.

 

[Joshua Slocum]

I got asked to sort out a job at the last minute, the main contractor had been kicked off for some reason
No big deal 4 days at 14 hours a day sorted it, I got an old mate in to help me, pulling cables, passing stuff, sheeting up, and making tea
Job finished before time
Client happy
Invoice sorted on the spot
Oh by the way, we are having a gentleman's evening in the building all refreshments provided
So me and my mate turn up in our best whistles, park our pushbikes out front (in the town centre)
And wander in, everybody stares at us
We thought somewhat naively that it was because we normally wore overalls
My mate grabs a pint and some grub from the buffet, I do the same but with a soft drink
Some curtains and spots and a temporary stage had been erected in the main area, we sit down to stuff our faces
And then we learn exactly what a gentleman's evening comprises off!!!!
The comedian was good as was the singing drag act, and my mate who is a bit religious never swears, was rather taken aback by the next act
Rule no 1
Never in your excitement shout out what you would do given half a chance
He did, and two of the girls dragged him onto the stage
We walked home and collected our bikes the next day
I think it took a few weeks to get over the shock

 

[GrumpyWasTooCheerful]

Late 80s, 90s & early 2000 I was an IT manager, so was or had lots of offers.

We used IT contractors, this was a case of Champers for Xmas, what’s your drink, Vodka you say, there we go, it went on.

Sailing, you like to sail, fancy a weekend at Cowes, we have a boat in Southampton marina.

Do you play Golf, er no, pity we have a day at Wentworth.

Looking at new software, you need to come to the head office in Amsterdam, meet the blousy software trainer.

We had a million pound contract with Sun Microsystems, I managed it, theatre night at the Ritz, turned the night down, why we lived in Balham and got the tube home.

My govner turned down British GP a few times, sales manager asks him why, cant be asrssed with traffic, oh we will fly you in on a chopper from Battersea.

I had one enthusiastic Indian girl who was after a PC spares and memory account, licking her lips, I will do any thing for the account, thanks happily with partner, do regret that one sometimes.

Trade shows, legless at everyone, I can see why it’s not done now, but it was good fun.

Cough... I was the contracts salesman for a medium sized software company, end of the 80s & early 90s; company Amex, and my preferred sporting event for clients was Rugby League as they were just getting into proper corporate entrainment and boxes were really good value. Southerners were always a bit wary of the professional code but enjoyed the atmosphere but the best of the lot were a Welsh power company, they fceking loved it -- always enjoyed their coming to visit.

And then along came Black Wednesday.... <sob>