Give this to your wife or girlfriend or to both of them

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Benjamin1876, May 27, 2010.

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  1. My wife and daugters nearly spat their coffee over my computer reading the stuff below, so show it to your girls, and put a tissue in front of their mouth if they have any food or drink nearby when they read it. May not be the correct place to post this, but needs wide distribution to the girls, given to us by a female (of course) friend

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
    easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
    Now...the wax. Read on.........

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
    dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
    painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull
    the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
    those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
    the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
    apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
    hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
    I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
    other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
    kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
    ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
    the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
    this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

    I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
    Skin Extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
    sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
    championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

    Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
    side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
    stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
    I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
    the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
    spinning and spotted.

    I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
    Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
    caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
    revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
    Strip!

    There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
    the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.
    I am touching wax.

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
    now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
    Mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
    I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
    and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

    My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can
    stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
    the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

    *WRONG!!!!!!!*

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
    torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
    together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt Cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
    secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
    starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of
    the tub!'

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
    removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

    She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking
    cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

    She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
    rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
    the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your
    girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in
    super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty
    sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
    event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
    grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
    GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT
    WORKS!!

    It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
    hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
    notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL
    OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
    hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
     
  2. Here in the civilised part of the world,we saw this a few years ago.
    It wasn't very funny then.
     
  3. chimera

    chimera LE Moderator

    It does lose a bit in translation from the original Ancient Greek....
     
  4. Here are a few girls who during the procedure, express themselves.

    All the girls are pretty and young.

    No gash shots or profanity unfortunately:
    Clickety
     
  5. Im trying to think of a way to use that video in the serial killer thread
     
  6. udipur

    udipur LE Book Reviewer

    I have seen this one before but it still makes me hoot with laughter.

    Brave girls, I say!
     
  7. If I thought every single one undergoing that treatment, looked as good as the ladeez in that film, saliva applied directly from my tongue would magically acquire the soothing anaesthetic qualities associated in my childhood with calamine lotion, and I would (without thought of personal reward, but out of pure charity) volunteer to help foreshorten their sufferings.

    I would be particularly sympathetic to the dopy blonde one who automatically goes for the 'on all fours' posture . . . :D