Girls - dontt be abducted by aliens!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by poet, Feb 28, 2007.

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  1. If you think you may have been abducted by aliens, or are worried it's only a matter of time before a powerfully-built green hunk with two willies sucks you out of your knickers, there are ten simple steps you can take to protect yourself from a fate worse than death..

    1. Never sleep alone. Single women sleeping on their own are ten times more likely to be abducted than those who sleep with multiple partners.

    2. Don't wear synthetic knickers in bed. Aliens are attracted to the electro-magnetic radiations given off by plastic panties.

    3. Don't sleep in the nude. This should be obvious. Aliens are notoriously short-sighted and will ignore you if they think you don't have any sexual organs.

    4. Don't wash. It has been proven that aliens are extremely fastidious lovers and will not abduct a woman who smells of fish.

    5. Don't sleep with your mouth open. Aliens have been known to inseminate young women by inserting a hard, flexible probe into the throats of unsuspecting human females. Contrary to popular belief, Alien cum CAN make you pregnant. The father of the alien child will then have to abduct you in order to retrieve their offspring.

    6. Wear sunglasses at all times, especially in bed. Aliens rely on bright lights to intimidate their victims and dark glasses are an effective counter measure. Anti-alien Government agents have long known this. The only drawback is that you may be mistaken for an anti-alien Government agent yourself. You may also walk into walls and fall over a lot, but that's a small price to pay for protecting yourself from abduction.

    7. Eat lots of raw garlic and smoke heavily. Aliens hate bad breath and will not abduct a woman who tastes like an ashtray and smells like a french tart.

    8. Get pregnant and stay pregnant. Nothing repels an alien more than a human female with a bun in her oven—except a human female with two buns in her oven. The clever ones will think you've already been inseminated by them and the dimmer ones will not want to mess with a girl with two enormous bottoms.

    9. Don't wax. Most aliens are pretty dumb. If your bush is luxuriant enough they'll think you've got a dangerous animal down there and leave you alone. If you can manage to grow a moustache and beard as well your chances of being abducted will be reduced to almost zero.

    10. Never use an electric vibrator. The high frequency noise will be picked up by any alien within two light years and they will suck you out of your clothes so fast your knickers will melt.

    Tin foil hat on :cyclopsani:
  2. i'd like to see the feckin' alien try it!!! I have haddock-knickers,dragon breath and a bikini line that THEY use for jungle warfare training due to all the vicious wildlife living in it so i reckon i'm safe anyways!
  3. I've said this all along. You are fucking nasty.
  4. and your point is????
  5. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Chill out girls. Daddy's awake.

  6. No point, just a statement of fact. What you doing later?
  7. sitting in my bedroom window chav spotting,then pissin' on 'em as they walk past...cracks me up!!
  8. Hey Deps...i didn't see you there! So you finally fought your way out of the folds!Did you find that kebab you dropped,cos i've got a right itch under me belly flap?
  9. Dust it with talc and spy the wet patch. Attach a rope to a solid, stationary object and jump.
  10. you're about 6 rolls too high son...thats my belly button! :shakefist:
  11. lemme know when yer dug in an' i'll wriggle about a bit!
  12. hang on then sunshine...cos i've got a sneeze coming!!!
  13. you can't fight the power of the blubber!!! :headbang: runaway runaway
  14. well i'm off to the pics tonight so if your staying on board,no coughing or farting,and keep yer mitts outta me popcorn!!!
  15. and that!!!