Girl needing advice.

#1
Ok I have been looking at Arrse for some time now as I am considering joining the army. I have not been to the AFCO yet as I am a little anxious that they will refuse me outright even though I think I would be a useful asset to any combat unit. So why am I so anxious?

Well, when my mother was pregnant with me 20 years ago she was working at a Rhinoceros sanctuary in Namibia. One evening whilst giving comfort to a young abandoned calf, there was a terrible storm and she and the calf were hit by a thunderbolt which scientists believed contained unusual cosmic radiation. This caused the foetus, or rather me, to genetically mutate and I was born with 50% Rhinoceros DNA. As I grew I developed many features of a Rhinoceros and, being mocked mercilessly at school, was hidden away in a secret location in Croydon. I now live in a shadowy world surviving by grazing late at night and working as a part time crime fighter.

I would now like to contribute full time in the war against terrorism and think that I would be a perfect soldier for Special Forces ops. I am fairly large at around 280kg but can move quickly over short distances and, whilst my sight is quite poor, I have a very acute sense of hearing and smell. I am of course fully armoured so no need for expensive body armour and always charge with ‘bayonet fixed’. I can easily blend into any environment and am able to survive for long periods grazing on nothing more than grass. But I am also human and able to think and, being a girl, have all the normal emotions of a female.

Please do not think this is what you call a ‘Wah’ and please give me some honest advice. I am at the end of my tether here … although to be fair I am quite well behaved off the leash as well.
 
#2
Feck off big nose!
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#3
Tartan_Terrier said:
Feck off big nose!
Good job she is thick skinned!
 
#4
Are you horny? :wink:
 
#6
Please ... enough of the jokes. I have heard them all before.

But, yes, there are certain seasons when I am 'horny' but if you don't have a 3 foot long pencil thin penis you'd be no use to me.

Be nice to me and give me some good advice.
 
#7
It is often said that there is aplace for everyone in this World. I think that someone lefta door unlocked to yours. Your grazing on 'grass', is this a euphemism for some form of prohibited pharmaceutical?

If you have been reading ARRSE for some time you know that we need to few (candid) pics to help us.
 
#8
RhinoGirl said:
Please ... enough of the jokes. I have heard them all before.

But, yes, there are certain seasons when I am 'horny' but if you don't have a 3 foot long pencil thin penis you'd be no use to me.

Be nice to me and give me some good advice.
Thats me sorted then! :wink:
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#9
RhinoGirl said:
Please ... enough of the jokes. I have heard them all before.

But, yes, there are certain seasons when I am 'horny' but if you don't have a 3 foot long pencil thin penis you'd be no use to me.

Be nice to me and give me some good advice.
You would probably fit in nicely in the loggies, although your physical description would indicate an armoured unit.

Incidentally, I have a 3 foot long, pencil-thin penis. The formaldehyde keeps it quite fresh.
 
#10
At 280Kg you wont stand out from many of the other females in the RLC

The acute sense of smell might be a drawback though as most loggies have the personal admin skills of a turps nudger, and their singlies accomodation has often been compared to a gypsies caravan site, without the class.

Why not put your crime fighting skills to good use and join the monkeys? I'm sure they'll have barracks dress in your size, and the short sight wont even be noticed as most monkeys are f ucking blind anyway.

In short, the world is your ocean dwelling mollusc.... you go for it.
 
#11
rockpile said:
It is often said that there is aplace for everyone in this World. I think that someone lefta door unlocked to yours. Your grazing on 'grass', is this a euphemism for some form of prohibited pharmaceutical?

If you have been reading ARRSE for some time you know that we need to few (candid) pics to help us.
The only prohibited pharmaceutical I have ever indulged in was contained in a dart fired by my father when I got a little stressed once.

I may post a pic later, but I will abide by the rules and will not post a pic of my rhingina!
 
#12
rockpile said:
It is often said that there is aplace for everyone in this World. I think that someone lefta door unlocked to yours. Your grazing on 'grass', is this a euphemism for some form of prohibited pharmaceutical?

If you have been reading ARRSE for some time you know that we need to few (candid) pics to help us.
Would rhino gash shot's be an ARRSE first?
 
#16
nebapneb said:
you are blondebint & i claim my shiny gold pound
I have black hair and despite my lack of formal education, I am no bint but privately educated :roll:

corbuk said:
Go home and touch yourself up
I am at home but do not feel the desire to touch myself. Has the thought of me made you touch your tiny genitalia? Are you touching yourself now and calling out my name?
 

B_AND_T

MIA
Book Reviewer
#17
I'm touching myself and calling out my own name. Perhaps that's why the Adjt keeps giving me funny looks!
 

old_fat_and_hairy

LE
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#18
B_AND_T said:
I'm touching myself and calling out my own name. Perhaps that's why the Adjt keeps giving me funny looks!
Thought he would have been used to it by now, and only concerned when you called out his name.
 
#19
[align=center]Black Rhino facts[/align]

Black Rhinos are very difficult to find.

They browse on low trees and shrubs, avoiding open grassland and dense cover in favour of the edges of small wooded areas.

They are loners and do not socialise with other rhinos a great deal except when they are looking for a mate. Their horns have been their downfall over the years resulting in heavy poaching which has decimated the rhino population around the world. Why? Largely because of people who are the only threat to adult rhinos, although the larger cats--lions and tigers--can take babies.

Powdered rhino horn has been in demand for many centuries as a medicine. The horn is also carved into daggerhandles, primarily in Yemen. Here are some other interesting facts about black rhinos:

• The black rhino browse rather than graze. They have a pointed top lip to help them eat sharp thorn shrubs and branches from trees.

• Since it cannot sweat, a part of its day is spent wallowing in mud and standingin open water to lower its body temperature and to keep down skin pests.

• The estimated life span of a black rhino is 50 to 60 years.

• A female’s pregnancy lasts 15 months – a baby rhino weighs between 55 and 85 pounds at birth!

• A fully grown black rhino weighs 4,500 pounds, just over two tons – more than a family car!

• Black rhinos have terrible eyesight but a very strong sense of smell and hearing.Did you know...?Rhino’s horns are made of keratin which is like human hair and grows if you cut it.

They are very obscure animals, preferring to browse alone and undisturbed. They only come together to mate. If upset they are very aggressive charging before clearly identifying the source of noise. This might be a vehicle, a buffalo or trees blowing in the wind! As they have a very keen sense of smell, if you are watching a black rhino in a game park and the wind changes direction, a few things happen rather quickly. The animal will stop browsing and use its nose to pick up the new scent blown in its direction. It will then turn and face the new scent, perhaps a vehicle full of people watching the animal eating and at this stage, your drivers will probable retreat by reversing his vehicle quicklybefore the rhino decides to charge…asking questions later!

The horn has made these animals a highly endangered species. But other black rhinos moved across the border to the large Serengeti National Park in Tanzania.
 
#20
TheBigUn said:
[align=center]Black Rhino facts[/align]

Black Rhinos are very difficult to find blah blah blah.
I for one do not care what colour a rhino is and would be happy to bum any colour rhino.
 

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