Gifts for Arrsers

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Albertous, Jul 7, 2011.

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  1. If you won the Euro Lottery this Friday as I have decided I am going to, what gifts would you buy for fellow arrsers?

    Just a few of mine gifts would be:

    Stacker - A full length mirror so he could argue with himself
    Sluggy - A dog with two functioning eyes and a reliable boyfriend for her not the dog!
    FiveAlpha - An anger management course
    Cuddles - Some history books and a membership in a brothel specialising in gwars
    Auld Yin - Some books to review
    TheIronDuke - An old engine of his choosing
    Taff49 - A wooden shed
    Oldnotbold - Lots of ingredients so she came keep the cakes flowing
    Tropper - Nothing as he has invented everything
    Jarrod - A weekend away in any renowned gay city
    Afghan Kandak - A oneway ticket to any Muslim country of his choosing
    BigBird67 - Lots of food. Oh better forget that one, the prize is only £170 odd million and would run out quickly
    Cernunnos - A flat close to his abode so that he can install more lesbians/women of ill repute and update us with his adventures
    JoeyDeacon - A night with a prostitute so he can loose his virginity
    B and T - A few weeks in a clinic to cure him of his involuntary sex fetish for the good of all woman kind
    The Iron - A season ticket at Scunthorpe United. I dont know why he deserves the punishment but he does
    Sixty - Some nice new slippers and perhaps a rug to keep his knees warm in his advanced years
    Oldsnowy - as per sixty above
    eodmatt - membership of any "lady" club he requires in some far eastern fleshpot city
    Locretia Borzia - Lots of gin and a non porridge wog husband
    Hector Chavez V - Lots of coke, a roll mat and a camera to record one of his sessions

    The list is endless but what would you buy for whom with your winnings?
  2. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Who says it is an involuntary sex fetish?

    I would buy an emroidered picture of the SPS badge and give it to BathBlade.
    • Like Like x 2
  3. afgan-kandak: custom fitted suicide vest.
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Zen


    I'd just buy a new outrage bus for all the outraged arrsers.
  5. I'd close the DLO (useless twats) and buy some helicopters for the overseas boys and girls . Second hand ones obviously - Libyan probably - Rarely flown and only crashed once.
  6. If I win, you're getting jack shit off me.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Oh you'll get a pint for that, you don't owt for nowt in this world.
  8. Several cases of vintage red wine for Poppy, Johnboyzzz and Goatman (as long as they let me have some) and a lifetime's supply of Bundaberg Rum for Bottleosmoke.
  9. The problem with buying Stacker a mirror is, the mirror would win the argument.

    Sluggy - a funhouse mirror so she can be as fat or thin as she wants
    Jarrod - a rubber mask so he doesn't scare away potential targets
    Stacker - a ball gag and chinese finger puzzles (he might STFU then)
    Trans-Sane - A closet without a door.
    BigBird - a trip to Ethiopia so she can give a little shade to the country.
    Tropper - What can you buy the man that has done everything. Arrsenic because life can't be much fun for him now
  10. a £3.99 self inking Red stamp saying FUCK OFF for all the begging letters.

    And a Midget whose sole function is to wear a white suit and point at the sky shouting "The Plane boss, the Plane"
    • Like Like x 3
  11. I'd buy a new messaging system for the office comprising of ping pong balls and marker pens... Oh and a talented thai lady for each desk in order for the messages to be propelled to the recipient via her trained clopper.

    Wouldn't get sick of spam mail then, eh?
  12. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Try BathBlade, he a tad on the short side.
  13. Given their current state of famine and lack of anything resembling food....I'm seeing a design flaw in your plan.

    Unless of course it is a dastardly cunning plan to speed up natural selection, given that any wrestling match over some rice,with a chocolate colured Lowryesque stickman is likely to be won by moi!!
  14. First thing I'd do?

    Count it of course.
  15. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    I'm not entirely sure that 37 counts as particularly 'advanced'.