Getting in the Raw

[the_rigger]

When I left HM forces, I got gripped because on my last night in (coincided with Sqn Xmas bash) myself and about 30 other dudes got in the bollocky bufters and stormed the stage.
What I want to know is if the general opinion of the working Tom is for or against getting harry starkers after a couple of AL11s and Screech.
Personally I think it is for Hetro Tigers and should be taught in basic and trade training. The floor is open for discussion gents.

 

[error_unknown]

My first experience of this sort of behaviour was whilst working with 29 Commando (as a fat signals bloke of course). They used to strip at any conceivable opportunity, and you had to join in, if only to avoid having your clothes destroyed.

I found it strangely liberating, but could never decide where to rest the hand that wasn't holding my pint.

 

[ex-dvr]

We usually had the Pigs bar in the NAAFI or the rugby club where a Zulu happened every 10 mins after 9pm on the 2 days after the money went in the bank.
Nothing was generally said as lets face it the opposite sex, didn't usually enter either establishment unless they wanted entertained!! so you didn't offend those that didn't want to see a formation of todgers flying about

 

[bonkers96]

What an absolutely fantacker subject, drunken bollickyism was encouraged in our sqn bar. Staying fully clothed was most certainly frowned upon - as the rigger will testify. Even the introduction of split arses into the sqn didnt dampen the enthusiasm of the male hetro singlies to get in the bollicky buff at every opportunity. One saturday afternoon in the sqn bar the usual suspects were enjoying their usual persuits e.g dragging one of the lads onto the pool table, making him drop his trousers and dishing out a liberal spanking with pool cues, one of the conditions of a super saturday session was that you werent allowed to leave the bar so a p**s bucket was introduced for people to use, anyway i digress.. this particular saturday was more bornean than usual as mass bollickyism was in full flow and there was p**s jousting and all sorts going on, all of a sudden the bar door opened, standing there was one of the troop screws who had been to Guttersloh to pick up a batch of sprogs which included a splitarse, he just laughed threw them into the bar and did one!! Strangely enough they only had one drink and legged it - big jessies!!!!

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

When alcohol is added there is a switch inside me that tells me to lose my clothes

I still do it now and have been out six years, nothing funnier than leaving a club at ten past two with your kit off, even the door staff find it funny

Its big adult and clever

 

[Gunny Highway]

MMmmmm, done it a few times now since moving into civvie street.  Brother won't talk to me anymore (I dropped trolleys at his Xmas party and 'embarrsed him' and his wife), done it in the local and was barred, and done it with a girlfriend on a night out, and she thought I was a pervert !!   Done it many a time in the NAAFI and no one batted an eye lid.  Feeking civvies.

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

When the Donut went skint, after leaving the Army I worked the Door at a big Blackpool nightclub.

I invited a few mates up, with the added dangled carrot of a lock in with the floor dancers after.

1pm arrives, an hour to push, Im stood inside the club wishing death on the 17 & 18 year old acid head pill poppers. when the legs of my strides go warm. When I turn to see what the hell is going on I am being swamped on by three nakid oppo's. I couldn't get the hump as I was so impressed, no sign of any clothes, just shoes swamping freely in the No1 venue  of the North.

after hours one disappeared and came out smiling. Only in the morning did he confess to sticking every bottle of WKD and Fosters up his claypit, and sat giggling at the dancers drinking it.

Oh and he curled one down in the laundry chute too.

Pride of the British Army

Oh, Rigger tell us about the lifting powers of your champ

 

[the_rigger]

Doh-nut, as requested, following is an account of Genital ironman antics, beyond the dreams of even the weirdist Japanese game show.
Whilst serving, I went on the lash with my brother who at the time was in the RE (forty pints a night and all that). Anyway, he regaled me with stories of knob power lifting. So I thought "what a great idea".
A year or so later I was on Grapple and we had just got in a shipment of beer. Needless to say things got messy pretty tout suite and by about 22:00 hrs we were all bollocky bufters, all of a sudden my brothers voice appeared in my head just like obi wan kenobi "lift weights with you knob"
Thus the power lifting competition was born.
Ten dudes in the raw in a 12x12, two canvas chairs with a jerry can of water in between. The lifter stands nakid, one foot on each chair and squats so that the butt cheeks are on the chair arms. Once in the squat position para-cord is attached to the jerry can and also to the lifters pen-one-five via a slip knot. The cord must be tight in the squat position. A good lift is when the competitor stands up into the straight leg position and both knees are locked (a seperate judge is required for each knee).
The lifting entry level was a half full jerry can (10 kgs), and went up in incraments of 1kg at a time.
At the end it was down to 3 of us, and I went for the full can 20kg, with my old chap at full extention I got a good lift, but couldn't manage anymore due to heavy bruising and laserations.
The next lifter (soldier X) got bad disco leg and was screaming like a banshee, when suddenly the orderly officer came in to see what the noise was.
Imagine his horror when he opened the tent flap to see 10 bufters heavily tatooed solidiers, drinking heavily, one of whom is standing on two folding chairs with a jerrycan hanging off his schlong, roaring like a wounded wildebeast, and a drunken nakid squaddie scrutinizing each knee for a "no lift" decision. Needless to say the officer scarpered sharpish.
The final lift was to take my title and I was usurped by a devasting lift of a full jerry can, with two SA80s with SUSATs. A record that still stands to this day. Recently I tried a lift with a group of drunken ex squad's but couldn't do more than a Maxi-sized George Foreman Grill with a Panasonic vacum cleaner attached.
The horror of it all

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

Well impressed

You should be priminster, hats off I bow in your presence great leader

Anyone beat about 30KG with a knob lift?

 

[Gunny Highway]

How about a 20 stone woman on top?

 

[woopert]

How about a 20 stone woman on top?

That's just a waste of energy, rather you shouod lie the fat munter on her back and slap the fat to ride the waves. It is the simplest demonstration of Newtonian physics known to man.

Shocked to learn as I am sure you all will be, it happens in the Officer's Mess too. Dead Ants is a wonderful game to be played in the bufters when in need of a slash. Water fountains a-kimbo in Liecester Square if you time it right as a friend of mine who is of Field rank in the Gunners can testify.

 

[Prodigal]

I have never enjoyed the dubious pleasure of getting totally blathered and stripping off with a load of other people.........

but last night I, and a couple of female friends, went to see a show called 'Puppetry of the Penis' - what a night!!

It consisted of two well endowed (and very hunky) Australian blokes standing stark naked on stage in front of 400 appreciative women (and 3 men......) cracking jokes and manhandling their jewels in a series of amazing, and eye watering, contortions.

Very good, can fully recommend the show! They also were selling a book describing how to do about 30 of these contortions - I have to say the Loch Ness Monster was a particular favourite........

 

[foggy_balla]

Where can I get that book?!!  Aside from the hugely popular, "last chicken in tescos, have only ever perfected the "klingon spaceship" and "brian the snail" (two matchsticks required).  Oh aye, and one known as the worlds biggest ballbag!!  

 

[THE_HAIRY_LOCUST]

Having participated in the Cheshire regional heat of the Genital Ironman challenge, may I add it was a great honour to be in the presence of 'The Rigger'.

His advise and guidance ensured that a 'comfortable' entry level (George Foreman Maxi Grill) lift was attained.

Unfortunately round 2 which included a Laptop bag and ancillaries in addition to the above did not go entirely to plan. A combination of Tetleys Bitter, fine Cognac and the fact the canvas chairs were substituted with a three peice suite on wheels combined to form an alternative yet unsuccesful lift.

It was though a momentous occassion for our resident South African who was awarded his British Citizenship upon a succesful albeit 'vocal' entry level lift, he now can use his passport with a sense of achievement.

Seriously though, this could be something to gauge suitability of Asylum seekers, catch them cold and wet after the swim for the best effect.

 

[the_rigger]

Hear Hear Hairy Locust! The genital lift is a true test of character (which you past with flying colours , even though your old chap looked like a "Stretch Armstrong" doll caught in a tug of war fight between two dogs) and should defineately be employed in the UK citizen selection process.
Also FAO prodigal, you say you have never got in the buff with your mates and also that you went to see a couple of naked performing dudes. I'm sorry the question has to be asked, Are you a puff or something?
PS I don't care if you are a bird.

 

[Prodigal]

Rigger, I'm sorry, I can't quite follow your tortured logic........why should never having got in the buff with my mates and going to see two extremely delectable fellas in the buff - make me a 'puff'?!!! Please elucidate.

Foggy, I'm sorry, I didn't buy the book (rather wish I had - do you think it would help or hinder my currently sadly single status?!!  ) but I'm sure I could track down a copy, seeing as one of the girls did buy a copy (but she wasn't actually going to tell her hubby that she had gone to see it..........mmmmmmmmmmm!!)

I have to say, I don't mean to get personal, but we were wondering (the other two women working in the medical profession) how they managed to keep their tackle 'flexible' with all the handling they were getting.......and as they had closeup shots projected onto a large screen (very large screen... ) we would have been able to tell........

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

Prodigal.....single

Get yerself a bag and Ill slip you a crippler

 

[Scribbler]

There appears to be an oversight so far.  I remember being mightily impressed by a certain screw who had the ability to insert £2.50 in the old style 10 p coins into his foreskin.  Every one elses attempt to compete was simply small change in comparison.  

They say you can't make a silk purse out of a pigs ear, but I swear there was potential for a good sized wallet on him.  

 

[Prodigal]

Gosh MDN, you are soooooooo smooth............it's taking an effort worthy of Hercules to stop me getting that hair dye out and racing up the M6...

So, come on then, how did they keep themselves pliable and squidgy??!!! kept visions of bowls of cold custard in their heads perhaps.......I meant, on their heads - no, no..d**n, you know what I mean! I think I had better make this my last post on this thread and hang onto what's left of my dignity.....  

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

They think of birds with ginger hair