Getting down and dirty in the Retirement Home.

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by Monty417, May 3, 2011.

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  1. A randy old git in the Retirement Home took a fancy to a lady who is also staying at the home.
    One day he cheekily tells her that he wants to make love to her.

    To his surprise and delight, she agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.

    He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.

    She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."

    He says he would love to and goes for it.

    After about 30 seconds he comes back up, eyes running, and says, "I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid I just can't go on. It smells really awful down there."

    She says, "It must be my arthritis."

    He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there?
    Even if you could, it wouldn't cause such a vile horrible smell."

    She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my arse."
     
  2. My old man will love that one.
     
  3. Albert was 79 and Mabel was 80, every evening they sat together in lounge of their retirement home, he rested his hand on her knees and played with her nipples whilst she craddled his c0ck. After a couple of months Albert started sitting with Elsie, again hand on knee feeling her nipples and her c0ck in hand. Mable confronted him accusing him of falling out with her. He said, "No, Mable I haven't fallen out with you, it's just that Elsie has Parkinsons."
     
  4. Ethel loveved to charge around the home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was only 90 pence to the Pound, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'Carry on.'

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Albert stepped out in front of her, bollock-naked, holding his 'hard on' in his hand. 'Oh, Jesus,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that fucking breathalyser test again!!'