Getting a train seat to yourself

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by vampireuk, Dec 26, 2008.

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  1. Last week instead of driving to Scotland I made the mistake of getting on the train instead, of course having people come sit next to you is bad enough under normal circumstances but when the porridge wogs are around it's a whole new level. Anyway my usual tactic of sitting down with a 6 pack and finishing half before the train even sets off is losing it's effect these days. I've been considering informing people as they sit down that I am on the sex offenders register, would that have any repercussions?
  2. I wouldn't think so, unless your intented friend to be, was also a member of that club....

  3. Just say you are English and going to invade ooooop north
  4. When any one goes to sit down, look them in the eyes, lick your lips and pat the seat like you want them to sit there.

    It'll put the shits up them!

    T C
  5. Put a yoghurt covered spoon on the next seat and claim no knowledge.

    Sorted! :D
  6. to quote frankie boyle:

    'i find praying loudly to allah as i sit on a packed train will empty the carriage quickly'
  7. Get drunk night before and fall asleep sprawled over the table ideally snoring and with a bag full of stella cans next to you.
  8. Laza. Works for me since Igrew the beard
  9. I scratch
    all over
    sometimes I mumble to myself, and if anyone resists this, I smile at their left ear and giggle a bit.
  10. Get a triple whopper from the station burger king, with onion rings on the side and eat it as messily, as loudly and as disgustingly as possible, follow it up with the inevitable trumpet noises when your colon starts to digest it all and you should be sorted.
  11. Amateur
  12. Keep a jar of "crunchy" peanut butter in your pocket. Sculpt a fine, tapered nugget on the seat next to you.

    If the train really fills up and people are getting desperate, poke your finger in the "turd", sniff it.... ponder... then give it a tentative lick.

    How did you get yourself on that list anyway? So many ways, not all of them, er, utterly scurrilous. Did it involve an apple pie?
  13. Wear a squadron t-shirt....
  14. An RAF Tshirt is enough to put anybody of sitting next to you.

  15. You could do what an old perv did when i got on a train to sweatyland years back, he pulled out a porn mag and laid it out on the table, this made the biddy next to him get up and move asap. He then pulled out an orange, stuck his thumb in it which squirted juice across the table at me and got me in the eye :D the cnut.

    He then proceeded to read his porn for a while then got up with the mag and went to the karzi and came back 10 mins later. That was enough for the bird next to me and she was off. I sat there having a little giggle trying to work out if he was a gen perv or on a wind up.

    Old cnut didn't do the full journey but was entertaining.