I was at my kids footy session on Saturday morning and got talking to a bloke who's quite good at Brazilian jiu-jitsu. He was extolling its virtues and it gave me some pause for thought. As my football career dwindles to nothingness, i've been thinking about what to do next, twice a week. I do plenty of CV work, but i've got to have a past-time other than wa-nking, that'll keep me fit and interested into my 40's. I was discussing it with Rigsby on the phone this morning. He's done a bit of that sort of stuff himself. Personally, I think it's all about him disguising the fact that he likes grappling with other men and getting a sneaky feel of their bums, but I can't be certain.

Why isn't this thread in Health and Fitness?

If Brazilian jiu-jitsu emerged as a product of it's environment, why aren't there any 'specific to theatre' British Martial Arts?

What about 'Geordie-jitsu,' where all the moves are created as defences from spousal attack?

I for one, would love to be an adherent of a discipline, that saw instructors utter phrases like,

"Imagine your coming at me with a frying pan." or "The way to disable the arm and retrieve the rolling pin is as follows"

I can see myself as a black-belt now, producing sharpened B and H boxes from my capped sleeve t-shirt and deploying them as North-Eastern death stars. A set of Nun-chukkas fashioned from two full cans of Eight Ace with a string holding them together, would look the boll-ocks.

What about "Bezzer-jitsu" where the sessions are conducted after lengthy alcoholic beverage consumption? I'd love to learn the techniques to avoid a haymaker that was meant for a bloke four feet to my right.

Can anyone think of other "jitsus" that would need specific moves? Or perhaps you can enhance Geordie-jitsu to a standard where there are enough moves for it to become a recognised form.
Didn't the Goodies once shine some light on that specialised regional form of martial art known as "Ecky Thump"? IIRC, large black puddings were employed.
John-jitsu and please don't ask me to describe all the moves.

That's more of an extra marital art than a martial art.

Shite, I feel ill, you should see where he put his nun-chukkas and that's a new name for them.

You just lie about how good you really are at it.


Book Reviewer
Surely Bezzer-Jitsu only has one move? The 'Affectionate Headlock'

Nah that's football.

Of sorts.
There was an article in Viz once regarding How Yee (Meaning literally excuse me) It gave a detailed account of the ancient Geordie art of unprovoked agression featuring graceful moves such as "The Heed Stomp" or my personal favorite the "Pod Borsta" Compulsoar reading for anyone planning to sample the delights of The Bigg Market.


What about the Israeli martial art: Jew-Jitsu? When someone gives you a dirty look, you then bulldoze his house and build a 60' high wall, complete with minefield, around the ruins.
To qoute Mike Myers in "So I married an axe murderer"

You know Scotland has it's own martial arts. It's called FUCKU. It's mostly head butting and kicking people when they're on the ground.
WALT - jitsu where you make outrageous and exaggerated claims of being able to kill with your little finger, taught whilst at "H2 with them
Warrior_Poet said:
There was an article in Viz once regarding How Yee (Meaning literally excuse me) It gave a detailed account of the ancient Geordie art of unprovoked agression featuring graceful moves such as "The Heed Stomp" or my personal favorite the "Pod Borsta" Compulsoar reading for anyone planning to sample the delights of The Bigg Market.
I'd have had you down as a regular of Rock Shots :twisted: (if it's still there)
Ah yes, Geordie Jitsu. Founded in 1972 by Sensei Cannee Bago Tuda, it is a common misconception that this was born of defensive needs, quite the opposite. Although It did, in fact, gradually become more defensive as the female rights movement gathered pace and the sisters of Tyne Side started 'Deein it for themselves'.
Up until then it was purely offensive and designed to deal with situations like being confronted by a cold or substandard tea after returning from the boozer.

The main battle cry of 'Howay ye bazza' is normally bellowed whilst delivering a big back hander to the wife's cheek and is similar to the shout of 'Gertcha' that is used in Cockney-jitsu.
Once the assailant has been immobilized the geordie-jitsu exponent will perform his equivalent of the post combative bow, by pulling this trousers up above his navel and saying.
"Heh, Heh, she'll nivn't dee that again!"
And yes, Convoy is correct, geordie jitsu also employs the use of weapons, the most complex of which to master being the 'Borrel O'Dog'.
Gercha actually derived from the lesser known battle cry of "Go-shite" as used by the warring factions of Wallsend, which in itself had originated from the "Haddaway and cack" cry of the Byker Crew. These two war crys were last heard in the mass jitsu battle - known as the Battle of Dicksons, where various factions lathered each other half dead over the last remaining savaloy stottie dip ( it did have pease pudding and stuffing, mind). This battle is re enacted every Saturday night to the cry of "What's fer tea"
It's interesting that you mention Cockney-jitsu. Of course both forms spring from the same ancestral well, but a massive split occurred around the turn of the century, during a tournament. Whilst North Eastern exponents of jiu-jitsu favoured combat with "nae prertection," Londoners had begun to adopt hastily made suits featuring highly polished pearl buttons, used to deflect pan blows. If a wife adopted the attacking stance of grabbing her husbands lapels and screaming,

"Fwankie, worrabaht the kids. You've dwank all the manny again," her hands would simply slip from the gleaming pearl surface.

The idea of a preventative barrier between the warrior and his foe, were anethema to the Geordies and the splinter factions went their separate ways. Attempts to unify the forms down the years have always resulted in success for the Londoners. Whilst the Geordies always seemed to be well equipped to deal with their challengers, they were completely exposed to the complexities of metropolitan living. A team of 'wallet inspectors' would simply meet them at Kings Cross and relieve them of their dosh so they had no shekels to travel on to the tournament.
Geordie-Jitsu is taught to the young Geordielings from a very early age in a ritual known as "Braying The bairns" only after years of alcohol fuelled training will the youngster in question be taken for his pugilistic rite of passage in the beer temples surrponding St James Park. Here he is expected to "Hoy the Heed" in during a heated discussion on the merits of the opposition. Only when he can succesfully carry out a "Heed Stomp" and drink 10 pints of beer without gannin to the loo, will he be allowed to leave.
What about Jihad-Jitsu ??
Learn how to protect against suicide bombers or at least take counter measures to avoid injury..
Amaze the imminent big bang hommo with a swift kick in the sack/fadge then run with the speed of a scared Jihad Ju-jitsuist to safety just in the nick of time!!
Another possible counter measure would be to self teach in a swift like movement yourself to pull his/her pin stick it up their arrse and back out through the left nostril leaving the said assailaint startled in order for you to be able you to put them back on a plane to Jihad county before the bomb goes baannnggggg!!!

Also W@nk Jitsu.... self teach the art of thrapping in public without being noticed..Imagine the fun on a summers day in the park whilst checking out the local talent!
Imagine having the ability to be able to sneak up on your love stick without it realising whats going on... wow I would be a love god and last for hours on end!!

ViroBono said:
Monty Python had, in one of their books, a spoof ad for the Welsh martial art of Llap Goch.

As seen here:
Llap Goch spoof? Not so - although this deadly Welsh form of self-defence remains shrouded in secrecy and has in fact been outlawed since the unfortunate incident involving Ivor "Nudger" Jones from the little valley hamlet of Pant-Y-Girdle, six sheep, the Harlech Boy's Choir and some sharpened lava bread. The survivors were all sworn to secrecy on pain of being made to work for a living. Pant-Y-Girdle itself was erased from the maps in a desperate attempt to ensure silence and the inhabitants shipped off to Patagonia, where a Welsh-speaking commune remains to this day.

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