Geordie-jitsu

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, May 8, 2006.

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  1. I was at my kids footy session on Saturday morning and got talking to a bloke who's quite good at Brazilian jiu-jitsu. He was extolling its virtues and it gave me some pause for thought. As my football career dwindles to nothingness, i've been thinking about what to do next, twice a week. I do plenty of CV work, but i've got to have a past-time other than wa-nking, that'll keep me fit and interested into my 40's. I was discussing it with Rigsby on the phone this morning. He's done a bit of that sort of stuff himself. Personally, I think it's all about him disguising the fact that he likes grappling with other men and getting a sneaky feel of their bums, but I can't be certain.

    Why isn't this thread in Health and Fitness?

    If Brazilian jiu-jitsu emerged as a product of it's environment, why aren't there any 'specific to theatre' British Martial Arts?

    What about 'Geordie-jitsu,' where all the moves are created as defences from spousal attack?

    I for one, would love to be an adherent of a discipline, that saw instructors utter phrases like,

    "Imagine your coming at me with a frying pan." or "The way to disable the arm and retrieve the rolling pin is as follows"

    I can see myself as a black-belt now, producing sharpened B and H boxes from my capped sleeve t-shirt and deploying them as North-Eastern death stars. A set of Nun-chukkas fashioned from two full cans of Eight Ace with a string holding them together, would look the boll-ocks.

    What about "Bezzer-jitsu" where the sessions are conducted after lengthy alcoholic beverage consumption? I'd love to learn the techniques to avoid a haymaker that was meant for a bloke four feet to my right.

    Can anyone think of other "jitsus" that would need specific moves? Or perhaps you can enhance Geordie-jitsu to a standard where there are enough moves for it to become a recognised form.
     
  2. Didn't the Goodies once shine some light on that specialised regional form of martial art known as "Ecky Thump"? IIRC, large black puddings were employed.
     
  3. John-jitsu and please don't ask me to describe all the moves.

    That's more of an extra marital art than a martial art.

    Shite, I feel ill, you should see where he put his nun-chukkas and that's a new name for them.
     
  4. Bliar-jitsu

    You just lie about how good you really are at it.
     
  5. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    Surely Bezzer-Jitsu only has one move? The 'Affectionate Headlock'
     
  6. Johnson-jitsu?

    Nah that's football.

    Of sorts.
     
  7. There was an article in Viz once regarding How Yee (Meaning literally excuse me) It gave a detailed account of the ancient Geordie art of unprovoked agression featuring graceful moves such as "The Heed Stomp" or my personal favorite the "Pod Borsta" Compulsoar reading for anyone planning to sample the delights of The Bigg Market.
     
  8. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    What about the Israeli martial art: Jew-Jitsu? When someone gives you a dirty look, you then bulldoze his house and build a 60' high wall, complete with minefield, around the ruins.
     
  9. To qoute Mike Myers in "So I married an axe murderer"

     
  10. WALT - jitsu where you make outrageous and exaggerated claims of being able to kill with your little finger, taught whilst at "H2 with them
     
  11. How do you break a walts deadly little finger?....... Punch him in the nose...
     
  12. I'd have had you down as a regular of Rock Shots :twisted: (if it's still there)
     
  13. Ah yes, Geordie Jitsu. Founded in 1972 by Sensei Cannee Bago Tuda, it is a common misconception that this was born of defensive needs, quite the opposite. Although It did, in fact, gradually become more defensive as the female rights movement gathered pace and the sisters of Tyne Side started 'Deein it for themselves'.
    Up until then it was purely offensive and designed to deal with situations like being confronted by a cold or substandard tea after returning from the boozer.

    The main battle cry of 'Howay ye bazza' is normally bellowed whilst delivering a big back hander to the wife's cheek and is similar to the shout of 'Gertcha' that is used in Cockney-jitsu.
    Once the assailant has been immobilized the geordie-jitsu exponent will perform his equivalent of the post combative bow, by pulling this trousers up above his navel and saying.
    "Heh, Heh, she'll nivn't dee that again!"
    And yes, Convoy is correct, geordie jitsu also employs the use of weapons, the most complex of which to master being the 'Borrel O'Dog'.
     
  14. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    Monty Python had, in one of their books, a spoof ad for the Welsh martial art of Llap Goch.

    As seen here: http://www.llapgoch.org.uk/