Genuine Letter of Complaint

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by intergeri, Feb 12, 2009.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. H ere's a thought for all the Edinburgh dwellers on the service your boys in
    blue / black / yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy

    but absolutely brilliantly written.....

    Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public:

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police

    station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and

    try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this

    meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,

    carrier pigeon or ouji board.

    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

    (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off

    Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game

    which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of

    a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings

    throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and

    as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will

    end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through

    several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so

    thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw

    and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear

    that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention

    to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two

    bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

    off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

    lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up

    half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless

    assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

    why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath


    when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car

    before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of

    course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually

    look like.

    I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these

    throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

    start before coming to arrest me.

    I remain sir, your obedient servant



    Mr ??????,

    I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

    caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have

    encountered in trying to contact the police.

    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

    offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

    Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

    (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


    PC ???


    Community Beat Officer

    Counter Reply:

    Dear PC ?????

    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

    original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

    Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details

    to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community

    beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert

    skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I

    have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep

    undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the

    acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a

    wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are

    headhunted by MI5.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place

    in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due

    care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain

    (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats

    that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.


    pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting

    distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

    contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

    answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.



    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

    don't work for the cleansing department.
  2. Oh Dear God,not this crap again.
  3. Classic......still laughing
  4. That f ucking joke is so old, it's got it's own seat and tankard in the local British legion, and recently recieved a telegram from the queen.

    Don't you get out much?
  5. Clearly I don't! Not seen before so it entertained me!!
  6. 1st encounter of this letter for me and i thought it was fecking brilliant, but judging by everyones remarks im probably missing some point
  7. last time it surfaced near me it was supposedly written by a bloke in Kent.
  8. First time I'd seen it when it was emailled to me, didn't realise it had already "done the rounds".
  9. first time i've ever seen it as well.
  10. Sorry, never seen it before, me thinks someone is jealous or maybe I've been at sea too long!