Genuine Letter of Complaint

H ere's a thought for all the Edinburgh dwellers on the service your boys in
blue / black / yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy

but absolutely brilliantly written.....

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public:

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and

try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this

meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,

carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off

Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game

which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of

a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings

throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and

as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will

end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through

several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so

thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw

and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear

that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention

to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two

bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up

half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath


when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car

before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of

course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually

look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant



Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have

encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.


PC ???


Community Beat Officer

Counter Reply:

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details

to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community

beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert

skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I

have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep

undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the

acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a

wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are

headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place

in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due

care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain

(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats

that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.


pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting

distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.



P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

don't work for the cleansing department.
That f ucking joke is so old, it's got it's own seat and tankard in the local British legion, and recently recieved a telegram from the queen.

Don't you get out much?


shortfuse said:
That f ucking joke is so old, it's got it's own seat and tankard in the local British legion, and recently recieved a telegram from the queen.

Don't you get out much?

Clearly I don't! Not seen before so it entertained me!!
1st encounter of this letter for me and i thought it was fecking brilliant, but judging by everyones remarks im probably missing some point
last time it surfaced near me it was supposedly written by a bloke in Kent.
First time I'd seen it when it was emailled to me, didn't realise it had already "done the rounds".


first time i've ever seen it as well.