Gentlemans Smut

Porn of Choice??

  • Animal - dogs with socks on front paws

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  • Normal

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  • Vegetable

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  • Fetish

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  • Girl on Girl

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  • Boy on Boy

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  • Anything

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  • Nothing as I am now blind

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  • Total voters
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#1
As we all know, the Officers' Mess is home to the world's most varied supply of pornography. Everyone has their favourite Bongo Mag and Movie.

What is the best Porn story you have that you are willing to share with a wider audience??

One of my mates had a w*nk*ng chair facing the TV with the w*nk*ing sock on the arm. He also had a fake vagina which was blue in colour and used to rest it on the sink. He used to trick girls to touch it thinking it was a bar of soap!
 
#3
A certain colleague, now retired and living in the Hebrides had four MFO boxes of porn he shipped from posting to posting. One box for each season of the year. Boy was he glad when the internet was invented.
 
#6
goatbagthedruid said:
One of my mates had a w*nk*ng chair facing the TV with the w*nk*ing sock on the arm. He also had a fake vagina which was blue in colour and used to rest it on the sink. He used to trick girls to touch it thinking it was a bar of soap!
When he left the mess on posting he slimmed down his porn collection to "Just the Classics" and bequeathed the Mess three bin liners full of vids and mags. He is remembered by all with great affection!!
8) :p
 
#7
It has long been a bone of contention with me what some people term a porn “collection” to be. I always get my hopes up when I pop along with a bergan full of swapsies only to be confronted by 2 x battered Whitehouse under someone’s mattress.

The best grumble vid ever to do the rounds in my mess was Horny Henry’s Interviews as I swear to God the first girl WAS Geri Halliwell.
 
#8
It has long been a bone of contention with me what some people term a porn “collection” to be. I always get my hopes up when I pop along with a bergan full of swapsies only to be confronted by 2 x battered Whitehouse under someone’s mattress.

The best grumble vid ever to do the rounds in my mess was Horny Henry’s Interviews as I swear to God the first girl WAS Geri Halliwell.
 
#9
It has long been a bone of contention with me what some people term a porn “collection” to be. I always get my hopes up when I pop along with a bergan full of swapsies only to be confronted by 2 x battered Whitehouse under someone’s mattress.

The best grumble vid ever to do the rounds in my mess was Horny Henry’s Interviews as I swear to God the first girl WAS Geri Halliwell!
 
#14
yannie said:
HOW CAN YOU SET AN EXAMPLE TO YOUR TROOPS WHEN YOU ACT IN THIS WAY .
OFFICER`S AND GENTLEMAN
yannie, you ignorant cow, this is why Officers and Other Ranks live apart, so each can 'let their hair down' without affecting the other.
 
#15
Not directly porn related, but am amusing tale nonetheless...

I was on stag in the CP on GRANBY when I found a photo of an ugly girl on the floor. assuming it had fallen off the "Pig Board" (To a Soldier in the Gulf - pen friend pictures), I replaced it. The next day I had a very grumpy signaller who wanted to know which barsteward had put his girlfriend's photo on the board!

A certain officer (now CO) who was once a fellow mess member had a collection of very select specialist fetish magazines - Rubber and Latex, black and white photos, that you certainly couldn't buy in the NAAFI. Often amused ourselves leaving them (barely) hidden around the public rooms and watching him desperately trying to remove them before the 2IC/CO came accross them. Unfortunately the collection was lost when we accidently set fire to his room...we only meant to blow up his wardrobe!

UQFEGD
 
#17
I heard a story from an RE Capt which goes as follows:

I Boz a few years ago his boys had a TV/video room. They wanted to watch porn. Most of them wanted to knock one out as thy were watching. They all tought it was a bit 'Gay' and distracting for a room of them to be knocking one out while you could see the bloke next to you having a shuffle in your peripheral vision.

Being Engineers they sorted the situation...............

He walked in on a room full of Sappers watching porn, choking the chicken all with cardboard boxes on their heads with windows cut in the ends so all they could see was the screen - like blinkers.

Squaddies eh?
 
#18
theloggie said:
I heard a story from an RE Capt which goes as follows

I Boz a few years ago his boys had a TV/video room. They wanted to watch porn. Most of them wanted to knock one out as thy were watching. They all tought it was a bit 'Gay' and distracting for a room of them to be knocking one out while you could see the bloke next to you having a shuffle in your peripheral vision.

Being Engineers they sorted the situation...............

He walked in on a room full of Sappers watching porn, choking the chicken all with cardboard boxes on their heads with windows cut in the ends so all they could see was the screen - like blinkers.

Squaddies eh?
Ingenuity like that is what won us the empire.
 
#19
Similar story to Loggies - only they were on the night shift in a ComCen. They went up market though, they bought cheap sunglasses, took the lenses out and attached blinkers.

Also had to deal with one very distraught female soldier after she had taken over shift on a Comms det. When she went into the 9x9 she found the bloke sat there, green maggot over his head with the zip undone, sock in hand and a top quality video on the TV. His excuse - 'How else was I going to stay awake'
 
#20
I was incarcerated in Otterburn A on a MILAN conc when this one happened so I only have another officer's word for it.

Our Mor Pl liked to project an image of hard drinking, hard w*nking lowlifes. Pride of place in their barrack room was a VCR and telly permanently grinding it's way through the most bowel-churning grumble flicks known to squaddie-kind. Yet all of the yelps of Heidi und der hunden and the flup-flup-flupping of the lady-boy-dwarf's kidney tickler being buried rhythmically in rubber-clad amputee's nether regions could not cover the noise of the snoring mortarmen.

In the course of eight days, in spite of having over a hundred different tapes they had completely desensitized themselves. My mate crept in and switched the vid to The Lion King; ten minutes later he found them all grouped around the screen with cups of tea, thoroughly engrossed.

Lads, eh!
 

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