Gems from the young uns

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Dwarf, Sep 9, 2009.

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  1. Was proud of my daughter yesterday.

    We as a family were discussing a student of mine who had been burned facially in an accident in the chemistry lab at school.

    "Well at least he won't have to worry about his acne now."

    The dog got sprayed with beer at that one.
    Shows that they can learn. Got any good ones?
  2. mates 3 year old thrusting away with the Wii remote when he loses grip and lets go of the remote sending it smashing into the TV. The little bugger stared at the remote on the floor gave a pause of 2-3 and said "B*llocks". almost shat myself laughing.
  3. Mate was telling me at the weekend, he was away on holiday with grandkids and Italian stallions poncing everywhere when little one turns round "granddad why has that man got a boner"
  4. My daughter was taken to her first football match, lull in the singing and shouting etc and a 3 year old voice starts singing... "The referee's a w@nk£r"
  5. The little carrotlets only started school this year but they've already started to show promise. For the last few weeks I've been under the impression that their teacher was called Miss Souner. Confusion reigned when I went to pick them up and nobody knew a Miss Souner. I turned out they'd named her that because she'd 'souner' be out of the classroom than in it.

    They take after their mother, of course. I'm just not that quick.
  6. While visiting my parents I had a mock fight with my 5 year old son, during which a copy of the radio times got irretreivably mangled after being rolled up and used as a play sword.

    My dad came into the room and (jokingly) asked "Who tore up the magazine?"

    Without even hesitating my son pointed at me and said "Daddy did it!"

    Me and the Doris nearly wet ourselves laughing...

    A year or so later I asked my lad what he wanted to be when he grew up. I can't remember his reply but I'll never forget when he asked me the same question a few moments later - I was a Snco at the time and my lad had seen me in uniform pretty much every day since he'd been born...

  7. Many years ago I took my 3 yr old son to his sisters harvest festival in local church. I could feel the mother of all farts brewing and managed to get it out without a sound. Very pleased with myself until during a very quite part of the service, son pipes up and shouts "God daddy, that stinks" whole church turns around to look at me. Wanted big hole to open up. 19 yrs later have still not forgiven him for it. :oops:
  8. Having recently turned 40 I was lounging in bed one sunday morning with little miss Zippy next to me playing games on the Lappy.

    Say she to I, "dad your 40 now thats old isn't it "

    "yes" says I "compared to you that is old"

    To which the little darling replied and I quote "are you looking forward to dying?"

    Mrs Zippy lost her tea all over the quilt, I on the other hand was gutted

  9. Ord_Sgt

    Ord_Sgt RIP

    An ex of mine had two kids from a previous relationship, boy 5 and girl 9. Anyway one evening we were have a mess about, battering each other with cushions and generally larking about. I forget the reason but I called him a big girls blouse at one point and he got mightily pi$$ed off about it, as only a 5 year old can. Anyway we carried on winding him up a bit about wearing dresses and so on. It got to a point where with a look of pure hate in his face he looked me squarely in the eye and said 'Fcuk off", and boy did he mean it :D
  10. Many years ago when the drools where but tiny mites I would take them with me on a Saturday night for a run into London to do a regular collection job for the company I then worked for. This happend most Saturday evenings and could get a bit fraught in central London with the traffic.
    This particular Saturday I was bimbleing down Streatham High Rd when I was cut up (again) by a boy racer. I did not say anything cos of the kiddies, and a couple of seconds later the littlest piped up "Dad is that cnut a wnaker that just cut you up" I nearly trashed the van laughing.
  11. While visiting one of my sisters and her hubby, we were having brekkers and my sis came back into the house to inform her hubby that his front nearside tyre was flat. Out daughter Nina, who'd was about four years old at the time and had never seen a flat tyre, accompanied us all outside for a butcher's. She looked at the damage, turned to my brother-in-law and said: "It's not too bad, it's only knackered at the bottom".

  12. Sat on the train with Mrs S-S and 6 year old grandson. As the train picks up speed little un drops his glove into a puddle of rain water on the train floor, mutters "oh dear me" and picks his glove up.

    An old dear sat opposite comments to him about how very polite he is, to which he replied " I get told off if I say Fcuking Hell"

    Cue very red faced old lady, stunned Mrs S-S and me trying not to laugh at the same time as handing out a sharp talking to.
  13. My youngest daughter who was 5 at the time, arrives home with her big sister after her first day at school. I casually asked if she liked it. She replied "Yes". I then asked her what her teacher was like and she replied innocently. "Mrs Hunt is a cnut". Result wife throws a wobbler and I collapse laughing in a big heap.
  14. A few years ago when the eldest Cavlet was about 4, I was pulling in a parents parking space at the local Sainsbury's when a gust of wind made a shopping trolley roll down the slope and hit the car on the front wing, "Fucks Sake!" I shouted, as lazy fucking shoppers are a pet hate of mine. "What did you say Daddy" says my urchin. "Oh I thought I saw a friend of mine and I was trying to call him but I don't think he heard me" came the feeble reply.

    Anyway as we're strolling around the Aisles I bump into a real friend. As I'm chatting my son tugs my mates coat and asks in his loadest voice, or so it sounded "Are you Fucks Sake, 'cos if you are you shouldn't be so rude!" Said mate looking perplexed, me rolling around the aisles. :D :D
  15. Trouble is you forget what you say in front of kids, as my old man found out to his cost

    At age 9 I was going to a school in North Dublin called St Davids, was on my second year there and had a right booze hound of a teacher called Miss K. My old man had helped me with my maths homework(still not my strongest subject) and when I came home the following day some of the work had been marked wrong. I was duly packed off to my room while both folks had a shufti. I had a habit of eavesdropping when they did that and this was the result.

    Next day at school.....

    Miss K: "Mrs K, so stabradop did you show your maths marks to your father?"

    Me: "Yes Miss"

    Miss K: "And what did he say?"

    Me: "My dad says that you are a stupid fcuking woman and should stop drinking Miss"

    Cue teacher out of class in floods of tears, old man summoned to the school the next day..