Gears of War - The Hidden Levels

One of the lads at work got a Playstation 3 last week and offered me his Xbox 360 which was now surplus to requirements.

I don’t really play ‘em but I thought the kids would like it, so I gave him a few quid and he brought it in yesterday. There were a few free games with it, the particularly eyecatching one being ‘Gears of War’ I set up the system so the lads could play it last night, then thought I’d have a bit of a crack at it myself.

I couldn’t believe how fuc-king tricky it was. Hundreds of things to remember, in no particular order, I spent most of my time just hiding behind a hedge while everyone else got killed. After getting zapped a few times, I started to get bored and just pressed a few buttons and, hey presto, I got taken through to a secret menu screen. There was a big list of codes to enter. When I tapped in the one marked SCALEYBACK, I got taken through to another list of menus. I’ve never had so much fun in my life. It was just like being back in. There were various mini-games to play, all with a R.Sigs based theme. The attention to detail and realism was beyond compare.

One game, simply named ‘Kero Heater’ was brill. In the preamble, it told me that I was a ‘Signaller on an 8 hour radio stag’ All I had to do was sit, wrapped round a malfunctioning kero heater and drop snot gobblers on to it’s surface and watch them sizzle away. By pressing the A and B button quickly in conjunction, phlegm was dredged up from somewhere between the lungs and the pancreas, and flobbed onto the surface where “Your Troop Sergeant may well be making a toastie in the morning.”

Another game was called ‘Crypto Chase.’ It said, “You are due to handover shift in one hour. You have lost some Batco. You must find it before the hour is up or face the wrath of the Yeoman’ It was great. As the clock ticked down, the sense of impending doom was increased, by other signallers entering the tent laughing and shaking their heads, saying things like, “Whoah, you’re fu-cked, mate” and “Ha Ha, you c-unt, you’ll be doing my Christmas guard.” I searched round the 18 x 24, frantically pressing multi button combos in my fruitless hunt. When the hour was up, a digitised Yosser came in with the Badge and shouted, “No friends in Crypto, please give me your stripes.”

I’ll tell you, it was f-ucking brilliant. Before I knew it, the whole night had passed and I was sat there like a Gollum.

The last game before I unplugged it to go to work was ‘Guardroom Wake Up’ In it, you were a young Tom on a 24 hour guard duty. At the end of your stag, you have to try and wake up the laziest man in the regiment to take over from you. A simple pressing of A, B, X or Y just didn’t work. Pressing A just gave him a nudge on the shoulder and he kept saying, “I’ll be there in a minute” before starting to snore three seconds later. Pressing B just made your character say, “Come on you jack tw-at, it’s nearly ten past,” more threatening, but equally useless. By going on the net, I found a couple of cheats. By pressing Up, Down, X, Y, B, Down, Up, it gave you control of a hand held bumper, which you could bray the f-uck out of him with. This got him out of his scratcher sharpish and had the added bonus of earning you 100 “Unit hard man” points.

Have any other Arrsers encountered this weird submenu? I’d be interested to hear of any other mini games, that more authentically replicate the mundane military experience.
Hwy convoy, do you play online. What is your tag? I found a hidden RMP level called 'Barrack Room Search' where you have to search a young Tom's locker looking for his porn stash and stolen military equipment. You have to use the left controller stick and the right and left trigger buttons to go through the room searching. I found a sticky copy of razzle, 300 pairs of soiled white socks, a dobhi full of dirty strides, 10 buckshee 7.62 rounds and a kidnapped german schoolgirl.
SuperTrooper said:
Hwy convoy, do you play online. What is your tag? I found a hidden RMP level called 'Barrack Room Search'.
I used to have 'Track and field' on my PC and that had a hidden level called 'pummeling monkeys' with rapid pressing the harder you windmilled into them before legging it up the road in a Swastika shaped drunken mess, and by pressing ctrl shift and backspace you could shout a combination of insults, questioning their parentage and insinuate that they slept with bovines.

Only if you get to the end level are you held aloft in your bed by your muckers, tea stains on the mattress and regurgitated kebab on the floor before being tombstoned and dicked for duty driver.
While playing Medal of Honour on the PC I found a secret level called "Passing off Parade".

You have to bull your boots four 8 hours untill they are acceptable and then try and get your drill right infront of the RSM or he comes over and rams his pace stick through your head.

Hardest level in the game.
I remember an old cheat on the PS2 version of 'Call of Duty' where, when selecting whether you wanted to be SAS or US Navy SEALS, if you kept on pressing the down button, you could select AGC (SPS).

Missions involved avoiding PT, ensuring that the office was closed by 1220, and locking yourself in to play solitaire all afternoon, insert the swearword into Part One Orders, and promote the sprog.

Once you got to the higher, more difficult levels, you could collect bonuses, such as "bullshit the physio into downgrading you" and "but the OC wants me for... blag"

I never finished the game, but after avoiding 2 Exercises in Canada, 4 in Poland, limped out of Telic 1 before even getting on the plane, and bluffing a non-op posting during the Afghan invasion, I found myself as a 15 year WO2.

The controls changed after that, so I lost a bit of interest, all I seemed to be able to do was e-mail lads from past posting with funnies, abuse anyone other than my own cap badge, and knock off at 1600 hrs (1100 Fridays).
On super Mario brothers I once pressed a series of buttons and found myself in a scene titled 'bust up in Hannover'

On the opposing side was a team of angry Argylles on the first pay day of the month. With tomb raider like skill and application, you had to bypass them, avoid their punches and bulbous red noses and make your way to the bar. If you managed to pick off a loner and drop him it was a bonus and a Warsteiner bottle would appear for five seconds.

When the inevitable kick off happened you gained more points by recruiting allies, Recce mechs being the most valuable, with a big right hand and volatile breath they smited the jocks and robbed their wallets, before cacking on a boxheads bonnet and going whoring.

With a double twist and careful manipulation you could end up with all on your side as you riot with the GCP and try and damage the dog team.
Isn't there a level in Gran Tourismo where you have to drive a Bedford in a convoy from Sennelager to some Dutch Dockyard, not going over 60 mph???

If I remember correctly, the A button was accelerate, B button brake, and the left shoulder button was tw@t your mucker in the head for falling asleep.


any of you played civilization - secret level in it where you play as america. in where you start off and have to look for countries with items in you want and then you have to start a war with that country. you also get bonus points if you have alliance's with others and they help you and then you attack some of their units as well with out getting caught.
SuperTrooper said:
Hwy convoy, do you play online. What is your tag? I found a hidden RMP level called 'Barrack Room Search' where you have to search a young Tom's locker looking for his porn stash and stolen military equipment. You have to use the left controller stick and the right and left trigger buttons to go through the room searching. I found a sticky copy of razzle, 300 pairs of soiled white socks, a dobhi full of dirty strides, 10 buckshee 7.62 rounds and a kidnapped german schoolgirl.
You didn't look properly mate. If you checked the PD drawer there were 5 pieces of a Belizean hooker, that when assembled, looked like Herve Villechaise off fantasy island, earning you 150 'nabbed a psycho loner' points. If you get enough points you can progress to the SIB levels. The best game on there is "Hilariously bad attempt at Good Cop, Bad Cop routine". I played that one for ages. In the true tradition of those military cop japesters, you have to keep forgetting whether your the blokes mate or the hard nut who's going to panel him for the info on who set fire to 29 CDO's atap in Holdfast. When you come in on amateur level, your given a straight out of training, Chunky tom who folds faster than Superman on dhobi day, but as you go on it gets harder. If you can get the '22 year, disgruntled, been reading Queens regs, full screw' to admit to his part in the great Ammo pouch scam of 89, you get promoted ahead of all your mates, then grass them up for minor offences you've done yourself.
I was going to buy the new REME game that came out, but when I went to buy it, the shop had closed early to play volleyball by the POL point.
If anyone has a Playstation 2 and plays medal of honour.

Rapily tap X Y X Y then A & B and you wil be escorted into a damp room and told to scrub SLR gas plugs until the underneath of your fingernails go black with no danger of getting them clean.

Once done a 22 yr LCpl armourer will send you back to do it again, secret is do nothing and he will accept it five minutes later.

Sadly just when you think your in the clear, the level changes to 'Late for PT' this is a world of hurt that I've yet to get through
I'm not really an FPS fan but I do know of a secret level on the helicopter bits of MS flight simulator that models a refuel remarkably faithfully. You stick your hp hose on, get covered in POL dripping from the aircraft, and then get laughed at by the door slider for smelling oily. Opening the TAR valves in the right order is an optional sub-game.

I've also heard of the 'ultimate realism' difficulty setting on America's Army where you can remove recognition panels from friendly vehicles. This also includes onesided extradition treaties to allow you to keep playing.


Also on America's Army, if you shoot one of the instructors on the range, you unlock a hidden level at Fort Leavenworth where you have to share a cell with 'Bubba', a good 'ole boy from some redneck state who was given the option of jail or the US army for buggering young boys.....

Your mission is to last as long as possible without him raping you, or cutting you with a blade......

You can also play this level as one of 3 characters after completing it the first time - As the new prisoner, as Bubba (hit x rapidly to hammer the prisoners ricker into a pulp) or as a guard (use the left joystick to look the other way as you walk past the cell)....


Although not a hidden level as such, if you are playing Gran Turismo 3 and have selected the Mini Moke and Troodos Road Racing Circuit, you can nip down a little track at the end of the pit lane and spend hours driving round the hills in Cyprus.

When you see the Danish tourist, if you press X, X, Y and Down, your character twats her with a shovel. Press X, Y, Y and Up and you and your mates bury her in the woods then drive off back into the game.


Not many people have heard of this one, but on the original Doom game, in one of the Halls of Hell, theres a hidden passageway. If you open this then you release the 'Cherie', a crazed harpy-like beast with a money-lust and a gurn that would sink a thousand ships...

You then have to dodge lecture tours, sleaze, dishonesty and human rights legislation being thrown your way for up to 10 years before its partner decides to retire , and it fucks off.....never to be seen or heard of again.....
This actually explains somthing that's been bothering me for years.

When I was a nipper (well last week anyway) I had a game on my Amiga called Leisure Suit larry. One of the bars I walked in was called the Naafi. It seemed a reputable sort of establishment so I took my character up to the bar and ordered a drink, only to have a rather large knuckledragging fella come up to me, stick his cock in my pocket and urinate while licking his lips. Another character then shouts out "don't worry. That's a Booty's way of saying he likes you".

Now being an eight year old lad, this is somewhat strange, so I tried to hightail it with my character only to see the doors being locked and hearing the call of "Naked Bar".

What continued afterwards was enough to make me never want to play the game again. However, now I understand these goings on, I'd love to have another crack and see if this time I can get the thumbtack through my foreskin, rather than putting it into my ballbag.
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