Chaps, I need advice. A couple of years ago on a jolly abroad through work, I met a bloke who hailed from my hometown. I vaguely recognised him and it turned out that his girlfriend of a few years ago had rented a house from me. We got on like a house on fire and shared many beers over a rather drunken weekend. Over the past couple of years we kept arranging to meet up again but for one reason or another it never actually happened, until last night when he was back in town to see his old man and we arranged to meet in a local pub. The first alarm bell went off when instead of gripping my hand in decent blokey sort of way, he went straight into the hug thing. Now call me a social luddite if you will, but hugging should be reserved for one's kids, very elderly and slightly dribbly grandparents with large country estates, posh tarts called Fiona or Tara or the fcuking French. It is not the sort of thing sober blokes should ever do to each other and certainly not in a crowded towncentre pub when surrounded by people who have known you since you had long hair and short trousers and worshipped Paper Lace. Anyway it all went t!ts up because he was expecting a hug to the left, I was caught offguard (wrong-footed?) and went to the right and we ended up in an ungainly clinch with elbows, knees and noses all touching and mouths in perilous proximity. I extricated myself as quickly as was humanly possible, looked round to see why a busy pub had gone so quiet and saw a lifetime of heterosexual reputation disintegrating in a hundred knowing looks. Bugger... Sitting down with a beer, matey boy sits next to me. Alarm bell number 2 starts ringing, quieter than number 1 but getting louder. In a normal situation the convention would be for two blokes to sit opposite each other at a small table, talk bollards and try to push the share price of Wadworths up through the roof whilst marvelling at the young female form. Having matey next to me just felt wrong, as did the way he leaned into my space and looked at me the whole time instead of leering heathily at 18 year old Belinda who had somehow squeezed into one of her Barbie's skirts and was sitting eight feet away with the eyes of a deer and breasts that had their own gravitational field. By now I was pretty sure that matey was 'confused' and decided that I'd make it clear that I was actually very happy being unconfused the next time anything untoward happened. I didn't have to wait long. Turning to follow Belinda's buttocks as they wobbled past I felt the cnut ruffle my hair and comment on my oh so radical (irony alert) zero haircut. It's now serious, that sort of thing just isn't done unless you are a turd burglar of Raffle's proportions and hunting for a new playmate. Slapping his hand down, I snarled 'don't fcuking touch me' and went to the bar to refuel and to ponder the situation. I decided I felt a bit sorry for the bloke and as I had made it quite clear I wasn't playing I thought it wouldn't hurt to see the night out to have a few more beers. Tactical mistake of Gallipolian proportions... Two pubs later, nearly midnight, p1ssed as farts. Matey sitting next to me in a window seat (excusable this time, no other seats available). I'm realising with growing clarity that matey is in fact a bit of a tosser, but I'm feeling quite mellow in a live and let live non-DailyMail sort of way (totally out of character for me but, hey, that's beer for you..) until he....grabs my arm, holds my arm for what seemed a VERY long time and leans across to....fcuk knows, because I didn't wait any longer. I literally peeled his fingers from my arm, stood up and without a word walked out of the pub and sought refuge in another before staggering home in a zigzaggy sort of way that we all know so well. Now chaps, this morning I'm wondering...did I do the right thing? Should I have left after one drink? Have I misread the whole thing and need to be more of a modern man? Should I have battered him to death with a barstool and taken Belinda home in a daze to introduce her to my wife? Help. Please. I'm in mental turmoil here.