Youâve possibly seen it and heard it before, âCalls may be recorded for training purposesâ and yes sometimes they are and not just on the phone. I can now exclusively reveal the conversation that took place when Paul Gadd, alias Gary Glitter booked his holiday in a branch of Paedo Travel run by Fred Paedo and donât let the name fool you. Actually his real name is MacDonald but after a lengthy court case, he had to revert to his motherâs maiden name and so the business was renamed as Paedo Travel. He just wanted to attract the right sort of person and judging by this conversation, he failed miserably. Sigourney: Good morning Paul (Gary): Yeh, whatever. Sigourney: Do you mind if we record this conversation? Paul (Gary): Fill your boots darling. Sigourney: And what can I do for you? Paul (Gary): Not much, you must be at least 19. Way too old for my tastes. Sigourney: I mean regarding a holiday. Paul (Gary): I need a holiday. Sigourney: Youâve come in the right place. Paul (Gary): That makes a change legally and morally speaking. Sigourney: I donât understand. Paul (Gary): Youâre not supposed to darling. Sigourney: Do you need help deciding. Paul (Gary): Nah darling, itâs probably the opposite though the shock therapy does seem to do something. Sigourney: And where would you like this holiday to take place? Paul (Gary): On earth. Sigourney: Can you be more specific? Paul (Gary): On earth and soon. Sigourney: A bit more specific. Paul (Gary): I need some action. Sigourney: White water rafting? Paul (Gary): Not today thanks, Iâm trying to book a holiday. Sigourney: So that doesnât float your boat then. Paul (Gary): Not usually though it depends on whoâs onboard. Sigourney: Would you like to travel abroad? Paul (Gary): Do you mean like Wales? Sigourney: Yes. Paul (Gary): No, not enough virgins. Sigourney: Anywhere else in the UK? Paul (Gary): Doubt it. Sigourney: I quite agree, Iâll check on the computer. Paul (Gary): You and me both darling but never take it to PC World if it goes t1ts up. Sigourney: Iâve heard theyâre expensive. Paul (Gary): It was bloody expensive for me darling. Sigourney: Would you consider going abroad? Paul (Gary): Not until Iâve booked my holiday. Sigourney: I mean for a holiday. Paul (Gary): I suppose. Sigourney: Thatâs Thailand, the local children performing surrounded by well wishers. Paul (Gary): Do the well wishers have a club and can I join? Sigourney: And this is Cambodia showing some homeless children. Paul (Gary): Iâd give âem a home and so much more. Sigourney: Iâm sure you would. Paul (Gary): Bloody right I would. Sigourney: Moving on, this is Vietnam. Paul (Gary): North or south? Sigourney: Sort of central but on the coast. Paul (Gary): Any homeless children there? Sigourney: Iâll ask a colleague. Sigourney: Loads of them unfortunately. Paul (Gary): Iâll take it. Book me in for month and close to a childrenâs play area. Sigourney: Iâll process that for you sir. I can just see the faces of the children when you turn up. Paul (Gary): You and me both darling. And that was the last of Paul Gadd that Paedo Travel ever saw. His arrest in Vietnam came as a real shock to Sigourney, so much so she left the travel industry and is now working as an exotic dancer at a local club. Fred Paedo a great believer in names has now unfortunately gone out of business and if the weather is fine, you can find him in the local park drinking cheap cider. ACBTA, the Association of Crap British Travel Agents informed us that while every check is made on locations and customers, the fact that a middle aged man was buying up quantities of young children in an under developed country did not cause them any alarm. They have of course updated all their procedures and the chances of this happening again, have probably dropped to about 50-50. Nobody from Vietnam was prepared to talk about this but a local government spokesman was (allegedly) reported as saying âhe was crap anywayâ obviously referring to Mr Gaddâs previous life as some sort of singer. Article by Lardbucket McNasty, celebrated SCUM journalist. Winner of the Wurlitzer Prize of 2005 and runner up of the I Know Bruce Willis Award in 2006. In tomorrowâs SCUM an exclusive interview with Simon Cowell . Find out about his loves, his hates and why heâs such a tosser.