Funny things that old people say.

In the same vein as "Funny things that kids say" thread.

My Grandad was a PARA during WW2 (I'm not a grandad Walt!) and his lack of PC and quick wit was a source of all our ammusment before he passed away.

One of the many quips he come out with that I've dined out on since was during a visit to see me in Germany about 10 Yrs ago. Due to my kids being young and boisterous I booked him in a local hotel that was also our local pub. On arrival the German Landlady greeted him with;

Good day Mr ____ is this your first time visiting Germany?

Unarmed it is! My Grandad replied.

I wanted that reply on his gravestone!
I answered back to my granddad " Tell me some thing I don't know granddad " he said back as quick as a flash " my fist right up your nan's cunt"

He didn't really my granddad died before I was born.
My Gran had been visiting her sister in the home she had been placed in after losing her marbles. Gran commented that in the day room one of the other old dears was in the habbit of slowly sliding off her arm chair onto the floor and then curling up in the fetal position on the floor until a nurse came and picked her back up again.

My Grandfather god rest him answered "well I suppose it makes a change from sitting in the chair all day".
Seeing as how I'm over fifty I'd just like to say that you youngsters think you know it all and are a bunch of cnuts. Just wait until you get old.

Well, I think its funny...


Rodney2q - grumpy old man and doesn't care who knows it
As the years advanced on my Grandma she slowly started to lose control of certain body functions. One of these was her ability to crimp farts before they slipped out. Me and my sister used to piss ourselves laughing as, when she attempted to pull herslf out of the current chair she was in, all the built up gas ripped out of her like the proverbial whoopee cushion. She knew it, heard it, saw us laughing, laughed hersef which, due to the rocking of her body, let more farts out - cue 5 minutes of kids and old duffer killing themsleves. Grown ups tried not to notice.
You could have embellished this with more information.

Laughing old ladies always without fail let out a little wee wee in the ol pantaloons.

They often do not see the need to wash or change these pantaloons for weeks on end.

Flies then lay eggs in the crust and eventually the ol girl has a sly grin on her chops when the maggots begin their merry dance.

When the smell of ammonia gets too much, they start to slur words and we pack them off to the nursing home.

The circle of life. eltons songs would have been greatly enhanced with some lyrics about crusted gusset
Great Grandad once offered me one of his Werthers Original. Said they were in his pocket and to have a rummage. After a while I found the pocket had gone all gooey and sticky. Oh how he laughed
I had to take my grandad to hopsital he was 96 at the time, he was fit and had all his wits about him,..(he had a patch of skin cancer on his bald patch due to being in India and aftrica in the 1940's n 1950's with the army), An RSM till the day he died at 100, as we were Sitting waiting for him to be seen, this doctor past by, as she past he side WHAT A STATE...I as normal ignored his views...I slid down on the seat a little...the same doctor past again and this time she asked grandad are you ok do you need help, shouting at him, he said IM NOT DEAF and Ive managed to get to 96 without any bother, she smiled and walked away, as the same doctor pasted by a third time he said in his Deep Sargent Major voice, MY GOD THAT DOCTOR is a disgrace did you see the size of her she must be all of 18 stone.Its a disgrace letting your self go like that.As the echo bounced around the FULL waiting room.. By this time I was four seats away looking in the other direction, wishing I was somewhere else... :oops:


Ruby, this reminds me of my own Grandad at a similar age. My mother was accompaying him on a hospital appointment when a rather large nurse waddled by. Grandad, at deafening volume, says "cor what about that great fat lump". My mother, mortified, said "Shh you can't say things like that". Quick as a flash, my Grandad replies "I don't know what you mean, i was talking about the joint we had last Sunday".
@lumpy2, my grandad would never have done that he would have faced the doctor and told her to get on a diet and do a proper workout..he didnt believe in being shy and thought people should be told when they looked like matter who they are..its all about a man..


Whilst sat down one evening for our usual tea of Lidl Fish-fingers, oven chips and Penny-saver beans, my 91 year old Grandad said "can we play on the swings after pudding?"
My, how we laughed!


Great Uncle Wullie was at the doctors, after dealing with one ailment he went to tell the doctor of another. The doctor stopped him and told him he would have to put on another appointment to deal with this second issue separately. Appointments are hard to get where I live and so he argued his case and it got a little heated. The doctor got up, opened the door to end the appointment bluntly with the words, "You're not my only patient you know." Uncle Wullie cut her down quick as a flash with "Aye doctor, I know that I hae been tae all their fuckin funerals..."
My Great Uncle octagenarian ex-RN Commando had a phone call from MoD a couple of years ago

MoD. Hello Mr H*****S This is the MoD.....
GU. Fuck off!
Mod. No Mr H****S this really is the MoD......
GU. Well I'm too fucking old to be called up, Fuck Off.
MoD. No our records state that you have qualified for a medal.
GU. I've already got 15, Fuck off!

Phone hangs up!
Who is that big fat man over there with the ugly as fuck wife? .... my CO dad and turn your fuckin hearin aid on!!!
Old people usually push in at the front of queues and pretend not to notice that there is a queue.

I may get some practice in and start early.
I got to the stage where I wouldn't accompany my old mam down town, she was totally unaware of what pc meant, every time someone of mixed heritage (or whatever the trendy term is nowadays)passed she would remark... that famliys been touched by the tarbrush! whatever did she mean?


My dad (in his 80s) at the dentist for a new set of dentures...
Dentist- How long have you had this set Mr K
Dad- 30 years
Dentist- You should have new ones every few years Mr K, you wouldn't wear a pair of shoes for 30 years would you!
Dad- I would if the fucking soles would last!


Gallery Guru
My mother at the weekend 'It's a shame your Auntie Rose is in organ failure, but she's not stopped saying those swear words' I was trying not to burst out laughing and so was my Dad because she'd be calling the Nurses Cunts, bastards, sluts and whores. I'd never heard those words till I met my Auntie Rose but her kids used such language all the time, but stopped when my mother visited, she'd only had to wash their mouths out with fairly liquid once.

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