Funny things happen in the military

Discussion in 'Charities and Welfare' started by SOSL, May 1, 2010.

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  1. Hi guys and gals, I am an interloper who spent 36 years wearing a light blue hat, no it wasn't United Nations!

    You can usually find me on PPrune, military aircrew.

    I am hoping to put together a collection of all the funny stories on PPrune, ARRSE, e-goat and whatever the navy site is (something to do with Rum B & B I think) as a fundraiser for Help for Heroes. So I need your help. please post your best funny stories and as a starter here are just 4 of my own

    It’s the mid seventies. Prestigious Air Defence Sqn based in Scotland, on a station near the most famous golf course in the world, is going to be given a new standard. Youngish, thrusting, high flier just been promoted and posted in as Sqn Cdr decides the standard presentation parade will be the best set-piece of drill ever seen in the RAF. Has the Sqn Warrant Officer drill the troops day and night for weeks until they are near perfect. Early start on the important day. Officers’ married quarters (days when you had to be married to get a quarter) quite a long way from the Sqn HQ so Transit van organized to collect all the officers (troops did it on foot). Sqn Cdr, fully booted and spurred in ceremonial uniform but can’t find gloves (soft brown cape leather). Transit turns up and toots horn, nothing happens. No. 1 Flight Commander calls from the bus window “come on boss it’s time to go”. Still can’t find gloves – losing reason to live - Sqn Cdr calls back “off you go I’ll catch up with you in a minute”. Sqn Cdr, a pipe smoker, suddenly realises that his tobacco pouch (soft brown cape leather) would double for a pair of gloves if folded over and held in his left hand – salvation at last. He leaps on his bicycle and manages to get to the parade with nanoseconds to spare. Sqn Cdr marches on, leading the troops and parade goes as planned. March back to Sqn HQ, dismiss officers, dismiss troops. Sqn Cdr turns to Sqn WO, says “well Mr Smith I think the parade went perfectly and I don’t suppose anyone even noticed that I was holding a tobacco pouch. Mr Smith replies “no sir they didn’t”. Sqn Cdr asks “how can you be so sure, Mr Smith?”. Mr Smith replies “well sir, they would have been too busy looking at your bicycle clips”.

    This happened in the days when Kevlar was unheard of and we all wore heavy steel helmets with dodgy linings. Taceval Pt 1. HQ STC distaff have previously briefed Senior Aircraft Man Bloggs that his hangar will be blown up and he will be a casualty. About midnight, hangar is “blown up”. SAC Bloggs writhes on the floor, screaming and loving the fact the fact that he joined the RAF. Very enthusiastic Cpl nurse is despatched from the Med Centre to attend to casualties. Finds SAC Bloggs, pinches his ear, says “can you hear me” and bends down over Bloggs. Bloggs sits up and as he does so Cpl’s helmet falls off and impacts Bloggs head. Bloggs suffers NODUFF concussion. Ambulance summonsed. Bloggs goes to local NHS cottage hospital. Treatment for concussion not administered for about 30 minutes because on arrival at hospital Bloggs had a piece of paper on him which said “broken legs and severe burns”.

    Practice parade at RAFC Cranwell. After several manoeuvres - “parade will advance in review order, present arms”. Parade advances 12 paces, halts and presents arms – flight cadet blogs hits his rifle too hard and it falls to the floor and makes a loud noise. Drill instructor marches across the Orange with his eyes fixed on the offender until he gets within a pace at which point he turns and shouts at the cadet next to the offender “you sir do you have an erectixn?” Adjacent cadet says “no sergeant”. Sgt roars “well you should have, sir, because you are stood next to the biggest CxNT in the Brfitish Isles.

    Practice Parade at RAFC Cranwell. Drill Instructor (DI) “turning to the right in column of route – RIGHT TURN”. “Left Right left Right – swing your arms gentlemen, swing your arms shoulder high front and rear”. Front left hand marker (flight Cadet Bloggs(FCB)), plays number 8 for the college first fifteen, hurt his shoulder in practice the night before. “Swing your fxxxing arms gentlemen”. Short pause then “Squad halt! Into line left turn”. DI marches across the Orange parade square. Hat peak on his nose, pace stick under his arm, quivering with rage, steel studs on each boot biting into the gravel. Marches up to FCB and screams “Mr FCB what the fxck are you doing not swinging your fxcking arms shoulder fxcking high front and fxcking rear on my fxcking parade Sir”. FCB replies “I’m a little stiff from rugby Sgt”. DI replies “I don’t give a fxck where you come from Sir – swing your fxcking arms shoulder fxcking high on my fxcking parade Sir.
    :lol: Happy days
     
  2. I've just remembered, some years ago there was a priceless thread on ARRSE featuring the Auld Sapper and his dog and their adventures in NI is he still around? Is the thread still available? Is there anyone there? Help?
     
  3. Just remembered another one:

    RAF Robin Hood, when it was a Nav training school. Small, blonde, rather sexy (believe me I knew) WRAF Cpl in Flight Planning is counting out the tea swindle money. Flt Lt QNI enters room (he is also a fully qualified txsser), says to WRAF Cpl "can you change a fiver for me". She answers "yes". He counters "dont you mean yes sir". She replies "sorry sir". He says "shall we start again?". "allright sir". "Can you change a fiver for me?". "I'm afraid not sir". I loved her then and I still love her - I wish I'd married her.
     
  4. With all due respect SOSL. :roll:
     
  5. Sorry SOLS, I managed to read the first paragrph and felt the need to raid the drinks cabinet.
     
  6. I've taken my own life, just waiting for the paper cuts on my japseye to drain my lifeblood away
     
  7. Two lines in...they can't stop themselves! As the saying goes, how do you find a pilot in a crowded bar? Don't worry, he'll find you!
     
  8. davidflies

    davidflies War Hero Book Reviewer

    The Auld Sapper and Stumpy memoirs - we want to publish them, and I have sent a PM to A/S - can anyone contact him to put us in touch? He seems to be below the parapet since moving to Portugal, and we really do want to contact him.
    David Westwood
    www.mlrsbooks.co.uk
    sales@mlrsbooks.co.uk
     
  9. Try Derek Acorah as AS died 2 years ago.
     
  10. chrisg46

    chrisg46 LE Book Reviewer

    Nice idea, but hasnt it already been done? Pull Up a Sandbag?
     
  11. davidflies

    davidflies War Hero Book Reviewer

    And there have to be more stories since then.
     
  12. An admirable ambition, SOSL, but bear in mind it's already been done. I believe the editors of Pull Up A Sandbag are looking for new dits for the sequel, so might be worth getting in touch with them...
     
  13. Thanks guys, sorry if I bored you. Looks like I was behind the curve for H for H. Will contact Pull up a Sandbag. End of interloper!