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When you've seen one of your mates, running naked, except for a condom, through the corridors of the Eros Centre in Hamburg, being chased by two bouncers armed with truncheons, you know that you're about to witness something spectacular.
Before we could react and go to the aid of our comrade, he stopped, turned around, and, being the Scots lunatic that he was, faced the two Boxhead goons.
He then then grabbed hold of the condom, and tried to remove it. This thing stretched out about two bloody feet, and because it was extremely well lubricated, it slipped out of W**dys fist and twanged back into his nuts at the speed of light.
The look on his face was something that will be with me forever. A Viz cartoonist couldn't have captured the look of curiosity and extreme pain that his brain was trying to work through.
Even the bouncers winced, and gave up on whatever it was they were planning on doing.
This happened in 1986, I don't think we stopped laughing until 1991.
'Scuse a spacey story. During my gliding scholarship, there was a rule that you couldn't take any objects up with you in your pockets, as they may fall out and jam the controls.
Thus, wallets etc were to be handed to a trustworthy oppo for safekeeping while you did your training flights. One chap, let's call him Dan, handed his wallet to a course lass, let's call her Kath. Because that's what they were actually called.
This being a Sunday, we thinned out and went home after a weekend's flying. The next Saturday, Dan pulls Kath into a room for a chat.
Dan apparently got home and crashed out knackered. He arose the next day to take an A-level exam and got on the bus, only to present the driver with a bus pass with a condom over it.
Driver thought he was taking the piss, confiscated his pass and chucked him off the bus. He missed part of the exam, and spent the rest of the week paying to get into college.
Turns out, Kath had found his optimistically-kept johnnies while holding his wallet and rolled one down over his college bus pass, then handed it back when he got back down without a word.
Unfortunately, we never did find out whether he passed the exam, but it did keep us amused that one small practical joke had pretty much ruined his life.
Walking past three mates stood outside the armoury waiting for a weapons issue on a Saturday night.
Come on why have you got all your kit (14 days kit)
We can't tell now fuck off before we all get in trouble.
So we did and sat in the NAAFI wondering how long we should leave them out there.
You see it was us who had gotten the signal / telegraph paper and typed up a warning notice for rapid top secret deployment to places unknown.
We then slid it under doors
We may also have stuck in a bit about do not tell anyone under any circumstances what you are doing
All that was left was to tell them to parade at the Armoury at 19:00 and wait for transport