Funny personal ad

#1
This may be a wind up-it is supposed to be an actual personal ad put in the Savannah Georgia paper but I thought it was still funny:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ...45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
[FONT=&quot]Alex[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
#2
That's funny! But, if true "Alex" could also be prosecuted for theft with a deadly weapon as he, as i read it, demanded the personal property of the assailant whilst holding his .45.
 
#4
Yee haa! Good 'ol Septics, complete cobblers mind, just another excuse why everyone in America should be "Packin heat!" World would be a safer place if we all had gu..........Blah blah blah.
 
#5
Yee haa! Good 'ol Septics, complete cobblers mind, just another excuse why everyone in America should be "Packin heat!" World would be a safer place if we all had gu..........Blah blah blah.
I humbly aplogiz(s)e for taking up your time with such blah. I mistakenly thought this was the NAAFI rather than a serious thread to discuss the pros and cons of the right to carry firearms. Silly me.
 
#7
I first saw this as an anti-junk mail letter in a book called "Get Even, The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks" by George Hayduke. The above add is much the same, except he's missing the bit about buying sets of tyres too. No doubt the "advert" has appered all over the place since then.

I'm sure it's just a fake by a walt vigilante.

Mildly amusing though...
 
#8
I first saw this as an anti-junk mail letter in a book called "Get Even, The Complete Book of Dirty Tricks" by George Hayduke. The above add is much the same, except he's missing the bit about buying sets of tyres too. No doubt the "advert" has appered all over the place since then.

I'm sure it's just a fake by a walt vigilante.

Mildly amusing though...
Mildly amusing? Mildly amusing? Its fucking hilarious.
 
#9
Yee haa! Good 'ol Septics, complete cobblers mind, just another excuse why everyone in America should be "Packin heat!" World would be a safer place if we all had gu..........Blah blah blah.
Lighten up for fuck's sake.
 
#11
JJH, don't mind llech, he/she/it is welsh. Think "Redneck Poontang"
 
#13
JJH True or not it certainly gave me a smile on a cold and snowbound night .
 
#15
Thanks--I feel the love all the way across the pond. ;-)
Interesting post and I know that as a gentleman you are using the word " love " in its wider sense and not in the touchy touchy feely sweaty way .
 
#16
Interesting post and I know that as a gentleman you are using the word " love " in its wider sense and not in the touchy touchy feely sweaty way .
Excellent clarification. I am glad we corrected any misunderstanding in that regard before some public school alumnus came to the wrong conclusion.
 
#18
Don't you ever tire of this? The bracket keys on your keyboard must be crying out for mercy.
As I have noted elsewhere, I do it not to be offensive but much for my own amusement (I am easily amused) as well as a demonstration that I try to remember when I have been brought up short by some "wise ARRSER" (see what I did there?) who thought it scored some sort of debate point when I first started on these fora to point out my "mong" spelling.
 
#19
As I have noted elsewhere, I do it not to be offensive but much for my own amusement (I am easily amused) as well as a demonstration that I try to remember when I have been brought up short by some "wise ARRSER" (see what I did there?) who thought it scored some sort of debate point when I first started on these fora to point out my "mong" spelling.
a) You are clearly very easily amused.
b) You can reasonably tell the ARRSERS who say that to piss off
c) It is a demonstrable fact in view of current linguistic norms and mechanisms that writing, speaking, typing and such means of communications use of long sentences with lots of clauses, sub-clauses, sub-sub-clauses, parenthetic statements, statements of clarification clarifying those parenthetic statements, verbosity, flabbiness, verbose flabbiness and legalistic-sounding over-precise wording... is often difficult and irritating to read, and not funny.
 
#20
a) You are clearly very easily amused.
b) You can reasonably tell the ARRSERS who say that to piss off
c) It is a demonstrable fact in view of current linguistic norms and mechanisms that writing, speaking, typing and such means of communications use of long sentences with lots of clauses, sub-clauses, sub-sub-clauses, parenthetic statements, statements of clarification clarifying those parenthetic statements, verbosity, flabbiness, verbose flabbiness and legalistic-sounding over-precise wording... is often difficult and irritating to read, and not funny.
To show how malleable my attitude is and how eager I am to please I will turn off my alternate spelling device and satsify myself with the inherent wisdom and humo(...ooops, sorry...r of my posts.
 

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