Funny article I read on the net...

If you're religious or anything, you might be offended...


Up until just recently I have been an atheist. The Christian religion just seemed so laughably pathetic and it amazed me at how otherwise intelligent people could believe in such childish nonsense. Jesus this and God that. What puny and ridiculous beliefs. Even a semi-literate child can see that it is all made up stories, just like Zeus, Thor and Allah. (Just so I do not exclude any religious people out there who are non-Christians, let me just say your beliefs are stupid and ignorant as well.)

It always seemed to me that there are two kinds of believers:

1) People born into a Christian family. They are indoctrinated from birth to believe in this crap, so while they are otherwise normal and rational people, they have this huge blind spot for the dogma of their formative years.

2) Broken people who cling to faith to fill a void in their lives. Drug addicts, cripples, criminals, all these people praying in the hope that maybe the next life will be better and fairer then this one. That someone, somewhere cares about their worthless lives.

Of course both groups are wrong and their prayers are heard by no one.

Or so I thought until recently. Now there is a third kind of believer. Myself.

You see, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover just for the hell of it, and let me tell you something: the bible kicks serious fucking ass. The word of God allows me to live my life the way I have always wanted to. My dreams are now taking flight in a way I never thought possible and I'm using the power of the Bible to release my full potential.

First of all, I read this bible verse (one of my personal favorites):

***If a man lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; tier blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)***

So all this time my gay bashing has been righteous in the eyes of the Lord. I like to beat up gays because they sicken me and it's fun, but in fact I was doing God's will. Holy shit I am a good god damn Christian.

Then I read this verse:

***Withhold not chastisement from a boy; if you beat him with a rod he will not die. Beat him with the rod, and you will save him from the nether world. (Proverbs 23:13-14)***

Well glory hallelujah! I've been beating my son in drunken rages for years now. I have always felt a little guilty about that when I sober up, however I now realize that I am actually doing my son a favor when I savagely attack him with a steel rod. I'm saving him from the nether world. Tonight I'm going to bash him real good.

The good news is that if my son ever stands up to me and hits me back, I can just read him this bible verse:

***Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death. (Exodus 21:15)***

And then proceed to gut him like a fish. Beautiful. They thought of everything.

So then I read this:

***A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death. (Leviticus 20:27)***

I went down to the local palm reader's hut and stoned that bitch dead.

I finally came across this doozy:

***The LORD then gave these further instructions to Moses: 'Tell the people of Israel to keep my Sabbath day, for the Sabbath is a sign of the covenant between me and you forever. It helps you to remember that I am the LORD, who makes you holy. Yes, keep the Sabbath day, for it is holy. Anyone who desecrates it must die; anyone who works on that day will be cut off from the community. Work six days only, but the seventh day must be a day of total rest. I repeat: Because the LORD considers it a holy day, anyone who works on the Sabbath must be put to death.' (Exodus 31:12-15)***

I am just oiling up my AK-47 right now just before I head to the mall. There are a whole lot of sinners who need to be put to death this holiday season. I think God will forgive my raging hard-on as I pump round after round into the skulls of the screaming teenagers and mothers working in the stores After all, I am just doing God's good work you know.

Fuck do I sure do love the Bible. For me, the Bible is kind of like one of those Anthony Robbins self-help books that release the power within. It has allowed me to live the life of depravity I always wanted, and feel good about it in the process. Glory hallelujah!
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