funniest things you have ever heard

#1
So heres my starter for ten:

Some one was telling me this in the mess whilst i was taking a sip of my pint. And it went allover the bloke next to me:

"I bought my blind uncle a cheese grater for his birthday and he said to me that it was the most violent book he had ever read!"

So what wit have you arrsers heard lately??? Id been interested to have similar experience again of wit like that.
 
#3
Sparky2339 said:
"Be gentle, it's my first time"

Your sister.
Your mum said the same but strangely enough i never believed her
 
#4
bitterandtwisted said:
Sparky2339 said:
"Be gentle, it's my first time"

Your sister.
Your mum said the same but strangely enough i never believed her
I never beleived my mum when she said it softly to me either. :D
 
#8
" You can say whatever you want in the NAAFI on ARRSE, we're all adults/serving/ex members here and understand Squaddie banter for what it is." MDN...
 
#9
Rocketeer said:
" You can say whatever you want in the NAAFI on ARRSE, we're all adults/serving/ex members here and understand Squaddie banter for what it is." MDN...
That gets my vote!!! :D
 
#10
He's so tight, he wakes himself up in the night to see how much time he's lost :lol:
 
#11
The sound of a car running over a pigeon.
 
#12
smartascarrots said:
The sound of a car running over a pigeon.
I saw a goose being ran over by a landrover in Dollar Park. The flap flap flap of it's wings as the wheel went around was hilarious.

I'm sure there's a song in there.
 
#13
"Lets do a calendar for charity? Yes I know you look like Arthur Mullard, inflated to 8000 psi in a frock, but you'd make an ideal miss January, we can tastefully drape something over you, like a lorry tarpaulin?"
 
#14
shortfuse said:
"Lets do a calendar for charity? Yes I know you look like Arthur Mullard, inflated to 8000 psi in a frock, but you'd make an ideal miss January, we can tastefully drape something over you, like a lorry tarpaulin?"
Was that Hilda Baker to her latest admirer?
 
#15
RLC Lance Jack and all round Jack F*cker saying he's not Guilty of desertion. Funniest thing said since the newsreader on North West tonight said Michael Jackson was dead.
 
#16
With a straight face, without any sense of irony, by a Coy Clerk.


"Not many people know I'm black"


I was spitting blood, I had to bite my tongue so hard.
 
#18
You have to be familiar with 1960s music and 1960/70s bikes to understand this, so you young fellows just skip it and go play with your Ataris.

At a beach party in 1976, the hottest summer on record, someone played Leader of the Pack. My mate Tom decides to start up his BSA A10 to join in with the “brmm, brmm” sound effects on the record. But being a disgusting piece of decaying obsolete garbage the A10, as usual, refuses to start. So at the third take Tony gives his Kwak H1 two-stroke triple a perfunctory dab at the kickstart instead. “That’s when I fell for the leader of the pack – zing, ding-ding-ding!” Had I not been shitfaced to the point of incontinence I would have pissed myself anyway.

Sorry, I’ll get back to my Complan.
 
#19
smartascarrots said:
The sound of a car running over a pigeon.
Coo l!
 
#20
An Aborigine looking for work!! or a tankie asking how long he has to study for a bloodtest!!
 

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