Funniest Shag Stories - mega thread

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by blessed baby cakes, Jun 22, 2004.

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  1. Have permission to tell this...

    A certain Padre was out in civvy dress with his mates one Saturday night and got legless....
    Said mates thought it would be fun to set him up so they paid a lady of the night to give them her clothes and put some slap on him,
    They dressed the Padre in the clothes, posed him out side a knocking shop with a bunch of Toms and took pictures.
    They then left him while they had their fun.
    Took him back to his room, cleaned him up and put him to bed.
    Next day they sat at breakfast and told him he was okay, never did anything wrong and not to worry.

    He went off to say mass and as he stood to read the gospel opened his bible on the alter to be faced with a rather large colour picture of the previous nights scene...

    Any ARRSE member who was in mass that morning in Germany 1988 will recall the gospel reading that day starting with a rather loud....’F*ckin hell, you bastards!!!!!!!!!'

    Not sure which chapter it's in, anyone know the verse?
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  2. The hubbie and me had been out for a few drinks and were walking back through camp when he asked if a fancied some, al fresco style! Not wanting to disappoint i promptly agreed. Anyway he spied a civi builders van with trailer parked outside the med centre. "We'll get up in there, no one will see us,” he said. So we did and got on with the task in hand. :lol:
    After lying there feeling rather pleased and a little smug with ourselves, we decided we'd better make a move. But to my horror as we stood up to climb back down we were greeted with a round of applause from a group of Medics who had been watching from the first floor of the hospital! :oops:
    To hide my embarrassment I thought I’d play along and took a bow, upon which, due to the copious amounts of wine consumed earlier in the evening I lost my balance and fell 5ft over the side of the trailer! Ended up breaking my wrist in 2 places and spending the rest of the night in casualty! 8O
    To top it off some tw@t obviously recognised my free fall skills and sent me some wings in the post!!! :p

    Ahh well ya live and learn dont ya!
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  3. As im feeling generous and to prevent the bordom setting in, i'll give you this one for free......

    Had been out on the tiles with the better half, get home and feeling a bit fruity we decided to go for it on the living room floor, during a period of mutual pleasing we got ourselves into a 69er.
    Anyway we were getting into it when I got the sudden urge to fart, being a little worse for wear and considering he had his face well buried I thought he wouldn’t notice! :D
    Wrong….he jumped up and stood motionless, stunned like a bunny caught in the headlights! 8O
    Me…I was curled up on the floor in hysterics…..I think that was fair payback for the numerous times he’s shoved my head under the duvet to get the full appreciation of his trump!
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  4. I imagine it's been done before on here but I was telling a mate about a drunken and funny shag I had and wondered what other tales were out there.

    Mine was (obviously) when I was rat arrsed :pissed: , I shared a taxi home with this fat lass who lived nearby and she invited me in for a drink and the next thing I knew we sitting on her sofa swapping spit. I moved my hand up her top for a grope and for maybe 10 or 20 seconds my hands was up there and latched onto the large and soft fleshy part until she moved my hand onto her actual breast and off the roll of fat I was kneading and playing with!! :omg: As drunk as I was I found it hilarious and knew it'd be one for the lads and I bit my tongue (luckily I didn't bite hers!!) and tried not to laugh out loud! I then proceeded to get naked and do her on the sofa and throw her around the room a bit (she f*kin' loved it) and then nabbed her HUGE bra as a trophy and a true gent.
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  5. Mine involved a knee trembler, greenhouse and 13 stitches....
    Gave a very attractive, highly educated.... (ok she was a swamp donkey!!)
    one. This was in her backyard at im assiming her parents house. Short story long i fell over very pissed and plunged heaf first through a greenhouse window. i did a rather quick tactical withdrawl and was picked up by the coppers looking like an extra from the chainsaw massacre.
    straight up to casualty for stitches to head and arm.
    Up before the man on monday the conversation started with me saying,
    "You may may laugh at this sir" and ended with him saying "Extra duties"....
  6. I was into my 4th or 6th week in training and we were allowed of to Aldershot...the Roundabout Club i think itwas called then?

    Anyway after a couple of sherberts the girls got a little better looking,so off i popped to chat up a couple(brave 17 yr old)anyway to cut a long story short i took this lass back to her billits......spent a good 15 minutes trying to get her drawers down to find she had them pinned to her vest. :roll:

    To make things worse the next morning i was summuned to the RSMs office.....Where's your ID card Hughes....errr in my locker sir.With that he threw it over the table at me.....and screamed....get out of my fecking sight was found in her bloody room the previous night.

    By the way....i am going back to 1963........memories
  7. While a cadet at Sandhurst,I met a QARANC captain,when I was dumped at their mess door by other cadets,wearing little more than george boots,sam browne ,beret and a smile! After being offered a cape and ushered into their mess,I met the said captain.Some days later,we ended up in a field in Surrey in her mini(the only one I have ever seen with stiletto heel marks on the ceiling).Just getting on the job,when the car was jossled by a number of curious sheep,who must have appeared from the other side of the field.Although not discouraged myself,she was completely put off he stroke,by the bleeting bastards.It took some days,and an expensive hotel in the area,to put things right.Marvellous shag until I bleeted at her,at the critical moment.Complete sense of humour loss!!
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  8. sounds like bullshit to me :wink:
  9. Just before search tour we ended up in senelager for a couple of weeks. Anyway at this pub by a rail flats and i meet this troll in a white suit who informs me she is Co's daughter. Well after a skinfull she started looking really good so off we pop for a shag. Find this flat back carriage she lays down her white coat and we go at it. Next morning i get up still pissed having made it back to find my beige jeans covered in black oil/grease. Would love to have been there for the explanation from the daughter.
  10. Mate was telling me one day how he was giving this bird one doggy style and she had a severe bout of the squits and sprayed all over his guts while still doing her. He said it fkn stunk.

    Good job I've just ate me curry eh.

  11. Summer of ‘98. Devil Dog has just been fired from his position as Salad Manager at Sally’s Chinese Takeout Restaurant. The future looks bleak for this misunderstood gentleman who broke a manager's jaw because a man has to maintain his dignity. After all, noboby, but nobody wants to be called a 'w.anker with dependency issues.'

    After collecting his final paycheck and after being repeatedly threathened with an arrest if he ever darkened the doorways of last mentioned premises, DD heads for home. His mind is filled with nightmarish thoughts of his landlord who was at the end of his tether and patience. A landlord not averse to hiring thugs to break kneecaps -- all because he was owed a few months rent.

    DD gets home, his mind in a whirl of worry and regret. Now that he thinks about it, being called a w.anker is not worth punching anyone in the jaw -- least of all your boss-- and losing your livelihood.

    As he ponders his future, there is a loud pounding on the door. Who could it be at this time of night? It’s past 11PM and DD knows that unless it’s the police nobody comes knocking on his door at this hour. That or whoever was on the other side of the door was there to pump silenced rounds in to his head. He breaks into a cold sweat.

    Thinking quickly, our hero gets rid of the magazine he is reading (ubiquitously titled “Pimping Quartely”) by throwing it into the darkest recesses of the room. He gets up to open the door and luckily remembers to tuck his manhood back into his pants.

    He swings the door open and his heart skips a bit.

    She stands there with the glow of a bride on the morning of her wedding. Statusque, regal, and fetching, she is dressed in a miniskirt so small and tight, for a moment DD thinks she is wearing nothing but a belt. Her blouse, white and slightly wet from the light rain outside, struggles desparately to keep her creameries in place.

    Without missing a beat, DD clears his throat and says with feigned indignation,”Mother, how many times do I have to tell you to call before coming over?”

    “Sorry son,” the woman says. “Can I borrow some sugar?”

    DD points to the kitchen as the lady brushes past him and wriggles her shapely bottom into the room. The urge to slap her behind gently and playfully is almost overwhelming but he resists. Not tonight, he thinks, I have a headache.

    The lady, who has now been identified as DD’s mother turns around and says,” I saw your father today. He is such a loser. Can you imagine he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted a threesome with that slut of his?”

    Under other circumstances, DD would not have hesistated to mention that the aforementioned slut used to be his girlfriend before she fell for the charms of DD Sr, but he is barely listening to his mother. His eyes are fixed on her legs. He remembered all the times he ran his tongue up and down those thighs.

    If only he didn’t have a headache....
  12. Pulled a bird in Tiff's in Blandford one night, took her back to her billet! Her nickname was "COMPO" and I was too pissed to realise that she was a dirty fessin mutant!!! Anyway, ragged her all night and licked every part of her fessin boddy. Woke up the next mornin with a woody from hell and proceded to give her the good news again. Turned her over on all fours and started giving her the good news, as you do !!! Thought it would be interesting to part her cheeks as I was doing it and gazed upon the biggest growth of Anal Warts this side of Chisondom!!!! Shocked as i was, I closed my eyes, thought of Pamela and chucked it over them!!!! Its been 7 years and no sign of any little cabbabies!! Thank f**k!!!
  13. FKN good drills mate - that was my missus. Was she thin cos she had AIDS as well.

    BT. :lol:
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  14. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Once upon a time, in a small German town, with a river running through it, and a barracks named after a Field Marshal, I met a woman at a bar, in a party of about 9 people. She was married, but not to anyone from my regiment. Her husband was well-refreshed, and she asked me to help take him home. being a gallant gent, I did this favour, and after we had put him to bed, she did me sveral favours.
    a few days later, during a summer eve, when her husband was on duty at a nearby garrison, she and I were practicing horizontal yoga, when we heard a car stop outside. It was hubby, arriving back early. She bundled my clothes into my arms, and pushed me toward the balcong ( it was flats on married quarters). I got to balcony, and as it was just one floor up from ground, I jumped off and rolled safely. Standing up, I hear strange sounds, which turned out to be most of the married pads from my battalion all on balconies having BBQ's, and they gave me a standing ovation. I bowed, then realised I was naked. I did get to my best mates barby, 3 doors away, and stood with drink in one hand burger in other, as g/fs hubby scanned the area looking for burglar.
  15. One of the funniest shag stories I've ever heard wasn't so much 'funny' but more 'you're f*cking joking?' and that was when one of you dirty b*stards impregnated Blessed Baby Cakes.

    Have a look in the gallery...there's f*ck all 'babycakes' about it. She is a one fat salad dodging f*cking munter.

    Whoever you must have one f*cking sense of humour when you're p*ssed...or a white stick and a lab.