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Funniest offences contrary to good order and discipline blah blah

I know of one offence, contravening good order and discipline, that raised the offender up to God-like status in the battalion before I joined, even though a half-wit would have shaken his head at the idiocy and lack of foresight.

Does anyone have any other similar stories they have heard, or witnessed?

Chelsea Barracks, 1972(?), The Major General's Inspection.

The dreaded, 'Major General's', because virtually everyone, with only three exceptions, is stood on the square to be inspected, including the battalion attached (RAC, REME etc etc).
The exceptions are the barrack guard, the post room corporal, and MRS patients too ill or injured to be moved onto the square in wheelchairs.
The inspection is invariably on the hottest day of the year, or the wettest, but there is no wet weather program for the 'Major General's', your bearskin will resemble roadkill during a monsoon, your buff belt and bayonet frog will be returned to the virgin state it was issued to you, and your scarlet, Home Service Order, tunic will be pink from the waist down on account of all the carefully applied whitening on the belt and frog having run.
To complete the visual transition from Soldiers of The Queen, to rough sleepers on a wet weekend, your steam pressed 'Trousers- Tweed-OR' will resemble water logged blankets wrapped around your legs....

...but I digress.

While virtually everyone is roasting/drowning for an hour, the Major General inspects the lines before turning his attention to the battalion and attached arms.

This is one of the few occasions when the Adjutant gets to ride a horse, and the officer in question was one of those who took delight in being a bastard.
As the Major General approached the saluting stand, the adjutant wheeled his horse about to call the parade to attention.
Behind him, in the medical centre, a window opened and a 'sniper', in pyjamas, wearing an 'S' type respirator to hide his identity, as if it could be anyone but the ONLY soldier currently confined to bed with both a leg in a cast and something infectious, took careful aim with an air rifle and shot the Adjutants horse in the arse.

Instant, airborne captain, catapulted from the nag to achieve a perfect one-point landing on his chin.

Sniper detained soon after but eventually returned from Colchester with Legend status.
 
Late 1982 , R.Sigs Cpl Xxx is charged with " contrary to standing orders, did on the 5th November 1982 swim in the sea off English bay, Ascension Island"
 
I believe I have posted this story before, but it was many years ago.

Soldier S was on RoPs for one of his many, many minor offences which were more of an irritation to the CSM than a real offence ( :p ) . In those days the punishment of Restriction of Privileges included being barred from the NAAFI Bar, Company Bar i.e., no alcohol. Soldier S has done his 7 days and was due on Staff Parade at 2200 to finish off his current punishment. However, he turned up in shite order, pished out of his brain. Straight into the nearest cell and as it happened during RoPs he was straight in front of the CO, next morning at 11am. RSM fuming and looking forward to having Soldier S occupying his 'Hotel' for at least seven days, matches him in front of the CO. Charge read out, evidence heard and the CO asks if Soldier S had anything to say.

Soldier S "Well Sir, I know I was on RoPs and was in my room getting my kit ready for Staff Parade when one of the guys came in and asked me to drink to the health of Her Majesty as it was her birthday. Sir, I couldn't refuse as it was The Queen, so I had a dram. Others then came in and invited me to celebrate Her Majesty's birthday and I could not refuse Sir. And that is why I was under the weather on Staff Parade."

The CO only dismissed the charges! RSM not best pleased, Soldier S, and his escort, gobsmacked!
 
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Denmark, Cpl Ofah ( RGJ) was on a sailing trip. Goodwill visit to a hostelry led to being refreshed in the extreme. Good looking ( probably or even possibly ) Danish girl - and no, no shovels or mini-mokes involved - attracted attention. Two very handsome and fit Danish men, in their prime, took exception and as a result there was an altercation. Cpl was knocked down, Danish pugilist obligingly stepped back and allowed the fallen to rise. Obviously good clean fighting men. Mistake. Anyway, much later the cple was escorted to the boat slightly victorious but vaguely aware that things may not have been well handled.
Cut to barracks, cpl Ofah is to have a little chat with his commanding officer, a pompous ass of a chap. Many encouraging words by the RSM along the lines of ' Don't worry, I've been court martialed and busted several times and the RQ did 28 in Colly'. Greatly encouraged by this the cpl was marched in at great speed and crashed to a halt. On a mat(GS) on a highly polished floor. Right in front of desk. Mat went out from under the feet and Cpl Ofah slid gracefully on his back under the desk and found himself looking up the hairy nostrils of the Colonel, who reaching an apoplexic state uttered the magic words " You are an amateur Al Capone and a vile thug! Fined 5 days pay" At this point the RSM grabbed the hapless cpl by the neck and dragged him - still supine - out of the office and ordered Cpl Ofah to vacate the barracks for 4 or 5 days and go stay with a married mate. Rank retained even though didgnity slightly bruised.
 
I managed to get two desertion charges, for separate incidents for the same tour from different units. Thanks to a catalogue of 'comedy' errors by several clerks, rad ops, one OC and a couple of seniors.
Both binned but probably somewhere on record .
 
I'll give you a historical one. It's from the memoirs of Anthony Gardner, who was an officer in the Royal Navy from 1870 - 1806.
On one occasion Mr S______s, a midshipman, was dispatched in the cutter and took some of the boat's crew with him on the way to Tichfield. On their return, passing by a farmyard, a flock of ducks and geese began to quack and hiss at them. The midshipman considered this a declaration of war, and ordered his party to prepare for battle and to engage close, which was instantly obeyed, and after a short contest the enemy took to flight and several of the ducks were captured. Now the midshipman had read a little of British history, and particularly remembered that part where Richard I in Palestine, and Henry V at Agincourt, put their prisoners to death.

Now the difference between those great men and this, was that Richard and Henry buried their prisoners, or got someone else to do it, but the midshipman carried his off; and seeing in an orchard near the farmyard a number of fruit trees heavily laden, he thought it just that those who began the war should pay expenses, and gave orders to his party to fill their pockets with apples and pears, observing that it would relieve the trees of their burden and the boughs would be in less danger of breaking down.

Now all this was very fair; and peace being restored, the midshipman addressed the farmer (who had come up with the reserve but too late to assist the main body after their defeat): "I say, old Hodge, I wish you joy to see your nose and your chin come together after being separated for so many years. But, harkee old chap, if I should come this way again, and your feather-bed sons of bitches begin their capers, I'm damned if I don't stop the grog of every mother's son belonging to you". So saying, he returned with his dead prisoners, and the war was considered at an end.

But the farmer, being bloody-minded, was of a different opinion, and breathing revenge, went and made his report to Captain Bourmaster. The captain, after coolly deliberating and weighing the transaction, came to the following conclusion: That Mr S______s and his party, instead of going direct to the boat, did go this way and that way, and every way but the right way, and did, on a certain day, and in a certain lane, did kill, or did slay, or did murder or put to death a number of ducks, and did keep, or did hold, and maintain the same, without any right law or title; and for such conduct Mr S______s was sentenced to be dismissed from the Barfleur, and his party to have slops served out to them at the gangway [flogged]. The midshipman thought this extremely hard, and on leaving observed that had the case been tried before a jury he was sure they would have brought in a verdict of justifiable duckicide.

Wordsmith
 
Sorry for another dark blue threadjack but ..

Indian cadet incurs the wrath of authority and has 3 days leave stopped. He's one of the rich ones whose family did well out of Partition so he goes off and buys three of the poor ones. Lines them up outside the Cadet Regulating Office and approaches the Cadet Gunner, an old and bold LE in army-speak who rules the cadet roost.

Oh sah, permission to speak sah?

Yes A...?

I have three days stoppage of leave sah?

Indeed you have A..

I have three substitutes, I go ashore now please?




I met this clown again a few years ago, he had risen to vice admiral in the IN! He had the most ridiculous comb over I have ever seen and a ghastly blowsy Irish wife. The other day out of curiosity I looked him up on the web and see he is being investigated for tax evasion.
 
I managed to get two desertion charges, for separate incidents for the same tour from different units. Thanks to a catalogue of 'comedy' errors by several clerks, rad ops, one OC and a couple of seniors.
Both binned but probably somewhere on record .


1984 . I was a Lcpl in the R. Sigs 22 Sig Regt shooting team. We passed the BAOR meet and made it to Bisley. I had a weeks leave prior and reported to Keogh Barracks where we were ment to meet prior to the event.

Nobody from 22 turned up. Only 7 Sigs. I spent the night with them and returned home the next day. Calling back to Germany my Staff Sgt mentioned. 1. The Captain in charge of the team had me down as AWOL.
2. I , as a sniveling technician was now a full Cpl.

So I was AWOL and got promoted.

Returning to Keogh Barracks the next day the 22 team was there as they had missed the ferry . Captain Knobber said nothing to me but I also got the best score for the team,142 best shot in Bisley back when there were a few thousand shooters.
 
We had three mong LCpls, always on extras, finished their 5 weekends of duties, then go out to celebrate...you guessed it. Anyway one over stepped the marks and was charged. Two charges. Marched in and was bust for the first charge and 7 days ROPs for the second. A few weeks later I got a call from the RAF legal for him. They told him in their opinion the charge was illegal. (he had lost about 29 quid a day). He gave his permission to investigate with a big smile on his face. Two weeks later they replied. The charge was in fact illegal. He marched in as a LCpl and got bust, he should have then been marched out then in as a Cfn and got 7 days ROPs...So the Army owed him the ROPs....wasn't impressed when I said they were in the bag for next **** up
 
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A mate a of mine got 28 days for shaving his mates head when he was crashed out pissed. He only shaved a circle on the top like a monk. The charge was 'Interfering with a fellow soldier'. We all thought the wording was a tad strong but even now thirty years later I still snigger like a schoolboy about it.
 
I remember a soldier from my unit being court martialled on a charge of theft of a TV from the Officers' Mess. Says to his representing officer that he was going to plead guilty, and duly does plead. Before the court can accept the plea it has to be satisfied that he understands the charge, so explains it to him. "You took the tv ... etc etc".

Oh no, says the soldier, I didn't take it, I bought it off this bloke in the Naafi car park. But if it's the Officers' Mess TV, then fair enough, I'll go guilty. Court refuses to accept plea. Asks prosecution how they intend to prove theft. Prosecution asks for, and is granted, an adjournment.

Charge of theft is subsequently dropped, and at a second court martial is replaced with a charge of receiving stolen goods. The accused soldier says to his representing officer that he was going to plead guilty, and duly does plead. Before the court can accept the plea it has to be satisfied that he understands the charge, so explains it to him. "You received the tv, knowing it was stolen ... etc etc"

Oh no, says the soldier, I didn't know it was stolen. I didn't ask the bloke where it was from. I just agreed to buy it.

Court refuses to accept plea. Asks prosecution how they intend to prove requisite knowledge. Prosecution asks for, and is granted, an adjournment.

Charge of receiving stolen goods is subsequently dropped and replaced with section 69: being in improper possession of a television. The accused, now at his third court martial, somewhat wearily pleads guilty and the court accepts the plea. Quick bit of mitigation, court dishes out a minimal, token punishment and soldier returns to duty.

RMP and ALS retire with egg on faces to lick wounds. Highly amusing.
 

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