Funniest/Most Awkward Sexual Encounters

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by AlphaKennyThing, May 9, 2011.

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  1. Trying to kill time in my last 3 weeks of work, I thought I'd try and sap some entertainment out of you lot and the endless amounts of (lets face it, often very amusing) short stories.

    Awkward and/or plain funny (though mostly in hindsight) sexual experiences have happened to most of us. From parents/siblings walking in, someone in general walking in, the first time you experience a real life 'pussy fart' as you're ramming some bird, realising the girl you thought looked nice 10 minutes before now looks appalling with no clothes on, bad cases of 'brewer's droop', and all other wonderful things we're about to be enlightened with - it's usually a source of much entertainment.

    If anyone has time to rid themselves of and a great memory, fire away!

    First time I had sex in a car when I was 17 odd, got horrendously drunk in the pub (before all this 'THINK 21' shit and some landlords just served ye all the same if you looked roughly 18) and decided with my equally pissed up 23 year old girlfriend to go for a fuck, as you do. This was only the second time I'd had sex with her, so I was still in the "Make it good, or she'll go elsewhere" mode.

    Reached said automobile parked nicely in a discreet area, got inside on the back seat and got down to business. Everything was going great, til it all got a bit passionate. Decided it was time for a position change, so with great enthusiasm I sat up to orientate myself a little better, forgot I was in a car (gogo copious amounts of Oranjeboom) and smacked my head on the roof with that awesome metallic thud sound. I then proceeded to lean forward whilst holding my now rather painful head, and my knee slipped off the seat and I fell (arms flailing) into the footwell, where I promptly got stuck, my other leg all tangled up with hers.

    I looked like the biggest cunt that ever lived. All she could see from her laid down position on the seat was my arse in the air and muffled exclamations of "My fuckin head!" as I tried to get out the back of the seat.

    Not my best move, to be honest!

    Thankfully she found the whole thing absolutely hilarious, and we went on to go out for 3 years.
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    • Informative Informative x 1
  2. So being Drunk in charge of a vehicle was OK in those far off days?
  3. It didn't need driving anywhere!

    Not a fan of drink driving, myself.
  4. Not just looked!
  5. Negligent-Discharge

    Negligent-Discharge LE Book Reviewer

    Parents away for the weekend so invited girlfriend over and made a right mess of the sheets. Come Tuesdy mother comes in and gives me the "I know what young men do, but don't make such a mess in future." Parents loathed the lass so I couldn't say it was our body fluids and had to walk around the house shamefaced.

    First Mrs. ND's Mum walked in on us shagging. What a dear! "Oh, sorry. Carry on. Keep up the good work!"
  6. Nice threadkiller, Clownshoes.
    • Like Like x 5
  7. No problem I aim to please, which is more than the OP managed by the sound of it
  8. I met a right filthy little bitch on holiday once. Two weeks of anal sex, swallowing and bukkake.

    The awkward bit is having to look at those ruddy posters everytime I go back to Portugal......
    • Like Like x 8
  9. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I was out on the ming in Singapore a few years back with four of my oppos. As is de-riguer in far eastern cities, we decided that the best plan of action would be to procure some female entertainment for the evening. We made haste for the four floors of whores (Orchard Towers on Orchard Road) and headed upstairs to where the more upmarket girls hung out. After a few more drinks, we selected our birds for the night and headed to a hotel. We attempted to negotiate with the old dear at the reception desk, but she insisted that we book five rooms for the night, one for each lad and his bint, (clearly we only wanted one room for all ten of us). After a bit of haggling she allowed us to have two rooms that were next door to eachother.

    We got upstairs and began our mega orgy, after a few minutes of ploughing my Lucy Liu lookalike from behind, I felt a pleasant tingling sensation in my nuts, as if someone was massaging them gently. Looking down I noticed that Lucy Liu had both her hands on the bed, which meant it wasn't her giving me a reach around. I ploughed on a little more confused a little, but assuming that it was one of my mate's whores livening things up a bit. After a few minutes I heard my oppo laughing so I turned around and found my mate Buster cupping my spuds in his hand while his hooker looked on in disgust. Alas I had received a bollock massage from a fat Pompey fan with gash tats.

    I'm not sure what disturbed me more, the fact that I had mates who would gladly fondle another man's balls for a laugh, or the fact that I really enjoyed it.
    • Like Like x 7
  10. Ignore him.

    At 17 it is you are obligated to drive a Challenger 2 through an orphanage full of same faces in the pursuit of a shag.

    At 17 I got my neighbours older sister to suck me off while I was driving. She spat my muck into a half full bottle of cola in the passenger side door. Did I throw it away? Did I fuck, it stayed there until I'd made sure all my mates had seen it.
    • Like Like x 4
  11. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    You were on holiday with Jarrod wern't you!
  12. One early evening sunny may bank holiday in 1980 I was up in my bedroom "listening to records with my girlfriend". Actually I was up to the hilt on the vinegar strokes when my dad burst in shouting "the SAS are in to the Ira n i a n...e". He looked at me, my girlfriend dived to the side of the bed, I just thought. Fuck no finish tonight then.
    Eversince I have been able to use the SAS as a delaying tactc, Or as a spur to kick the back door in. Which ever is appropriate.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  13. I think thats the most disturbing thing I've ever read on Arrse......
  14. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    What's most disturbing is you admit to have a pompey fan as a mate.

    Shudders and walks away in disgust.
  15. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Slight tangent, he has a tat of the lat and long of Nab Tower (a well known naval landmark in Portsmouth) with homeward bound written underneath on a scroll.

    Unfortunately for him, the Nav's Yeo who gave him the lat and long has a sense of humour and the lat and long is actually the centre spot at St Mary's (Southampton's ground).
    • Like Like x 1