Funerals ? Wtf ?

#1
Today i bade farewell to my aunt marina.

Expected to last seven years top at birth she made 74.

Four foot seven borne of army officer stock marrying cousins.

The wake was three split areas. My cunt of a brother never made the journey.

Lots of shite about lets not wait till the next funeral to meet.

Families are so fucked up it is unreal. I barely spoke to blood relatives yet got on famously with folk i had barely met.

My cousin that i love blubbed like a baby at the crem. His brother gave a speech like a lib dem parliamentary candidate,complete with big orange flower.

Snotty nosed cunts abounded that cared not a shit for marina. Rows ensued over money etc grrrrrrr. The deceased wanted to buy a pram for her grand daughters baby. But son wanted money for himself. Urge to excercise arm down his throat expunged and i know it was right ?

What a mix up fucked up ball of confusion

That wwas theraputic typing that. Thank you
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#2
No single/divorced cousins you could have copped off with?
 
#3
Today i bade farewell to my aunt marina.

Expected to last seven years top at birth she made 74.

Four foot seven borne of army officer stock marrying cousins.

The wake was three split areas. My cunt of a brother never made the journey.

Lots of shite about lets not wait till the next funeral to meet.

Families are so fucked up it is unreal. I barely spoke to blood relatives yet got on famously with folk i had barely met.

My cousin that i love blubbed like a baby at the crem. His brother gave a speech like a lib dem parliamentary candidate,complete with big orange flower.

Snotty nosed cunts abounded that cared not a shit for marina. Rows ensued over money etc grrrrrrr. The deceased wanted to buy a pram for her grand daughters baby. But son wanted money for himself. Urge to excercise arm down his throat expunged and i know it was right ?

What a mix up fucked up ball of confusion

That wwas theraputic typing that. Thank you
Im in a similar pickle, extended family seem more approachable than brothers and sisters.

I dont know how to console you, Marina's are notoriously unreliable.
 
#4
I sympathise with your loss, same thing with me last year,
It makes the saying " you can pick your friends but you're stuck with family" seem very apt.
there's members of my family I definately wouldn't have chose.
 
#5
Despite being happily married i do loike one cousin .

If i lived in Norfolk or Somerset i would be on the jeremy kyle show

Loike not in the duurty deranged squaddie way however. Even if my niece looked like kelly brooke i would not be tempted down that grimy road
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#7
Funerals are fucking great. All the vultures in the family turn up to see what they can get their grimy hands on. Fucking sponges.
 
#12
I sympathise with your loss, same thing with me last year,
It makes the saying " you can pick your friends but you're stuck with family" seem very apt.
there's members of my family I definately wouldn't have chose.
That's a bit unfair, they all speak very well of you, especially your mum...

..and your Gran.
 
#13
Intestate is far more interesting.

Make a blody will ffs unless you want all manner of cunts claiming you promised them your jaunty hat and gltter spangled hotpants
They won't get those, I'm being buried wearing them.
 
#14
Its amazing what scum come oozing out of the skip, when there's a sniff of a fiver wafting in the air
 
#15
Sorry to learn of your loss, commiserations and all that.

Now, the thing about funerals is that the attending totty very often wear stockings. Black stockings. How cool is that? Not as cool as the dead person, obviously. But dead cool, if you get my drift.

Now you know what to look for, get in amongst it my son.

And to ensure a steady stream of funerals to attend, start culling those family members that you don't like.
 
#16
Sorry to learn of your loss, commiserations and all that.

And to ensure a steady stream of funerals to attend, start culling those family members that you don't like.
But be aware that they are almost certainly thinking the same thoughts as you.

Family! If they were snakes or sharks you could be fairly sure you would never see them again. Unfortunately they are not snakes or sharks!
 
#18
I go out of my way not to speak to most of my Family and am not sure I would even go to their funerals, my in-laws however are a brilliant bunch and the Wake we had when we sent the missus granddad across the river was one of the best piss ups I have been to for years.
 
#20
Am in the same boat, my immediate blood relatives are complete and utter twunts. In laws are great tho, as are cousins etc. Lost both my mother and grandfather in last 12 months, which has entailed being in the same room as relatives, was bloody painful I can tell you.


Sent from my iPhone using ARRSE so I should probably be working....
 
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