Funerals ? Wtf ?

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by haggler, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Today i bade farewell to my aunt marina.

    Expected to last seven years top at birth she made 74.

    Four foot seven borne of army officer stock marrying cousins.

    The wake was three split areas. My cunt of a brother never made the journey.

    Lots of shite about lets not wait till the next funeral to meet.

    Families are so fucked up it is unreal. I barely spoke to blood relatives yet got on famously with folk i had barely met.

    My cousin that i love blubbed like a baby at the crem. His brother gave a speech like a lib dem parliamentary candidate,complete with big orange flower.

    Snotty nosed cunts abounded that cared not a shit for marina. Rows ensued over money etc grrrrrrr. The deceased wanted to buy a pram for her grand daughters baby. But son wanted money for himself. Urge to excercise arm down his throat expunged and i know it was right ?

    What a mix up fucked up ball of confusion

    That wwas theraputic typing that. Thank you
  2. No single/divorced cousins you could have copped off with?
  3. Im in a similar pickle, extended family seem more approachable than brothers and sisters.

    I dont know how to console you, Marina's are notoriously unreliable.
    • Like Like x 2
  4. I sympathise with your loss, same thing with me last year,
    It makes the saying " you can pick your friends but you're stuck with family" seem very apt.
    there's members of my family I definately wouldn't have chose.
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Despite being happily married i do loike one cousin .

    If i lived in Norfolk or Somerset i would be on the jeremy kyle show

    Loike not in the duurty deranged squaddie way however. Even if my niece looked like kelly brooke i would not be tempted down that grimy road
  6. They have a cheeky vimto and insist you call them ital
  7. Funerals are fucking great. All the vultures in the family turn up to see what they can get their grimy hands on. Fucking sponges.
  8. Ours was called adrian. Knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. Parasite
  9. Wait till he's alone and kick ten shades of shit out of him. You know you want to.
  10. "where theres a will theres a .........................................relation"
  11. Intestate is far more interesting.

    Make a blody will ffs unless you want all manner of cunts claiming you promised them your jaunty hat and gltter spangled hotpants
  12. That's a bit unfair, they all speak very well of you, especially your mum...

    ..and your Gran.
  13. They won't get those, I'm being buried wearing them.
  14. Its amazing what scum come oozing out of the skip, when there's a sniff of a fiver wafting in the air
  15. Sorry to learn of your loss, commiserations and all that.

    Now, the thing about funerals is that the attending totty very often wear stockings. Black stockings. How cool is that? Not as cool as the dead person, obviously. But dead cool, if you get my drift.

    Now you know what to look for, get in amongst it my son.

    And to ensure a steady stream of funerals to attend, start culling those family members that you don't like.