Fun with Queggetry

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by convoy_cock, Aug 8, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. I was working away a couple of weeks ago with another member of the boards, URFA. We were doing a load of survey work around the Dumfries and Galloway area and ended up staying in a hotel in Dumfries for 3 nights.

    The first night we were there we just had a few pints in the hotel bar and knocked it on the head. The second night we got bladdered in Dumfries then went back to the hotel, to find a coachload of Irish farmers ransacking the bar. We had a few beers with them and ended up leathered, with the next days work starting in 4 hours. That meant that the next night had to be a fairly sober affair, and we were trying to think of things to do that didn't involve boozing. I came up with the bright idea of going to the flicks to see "Pirates of the Caribbean 2" There was a big queue to get in, all fcuking couples. We spent all our time trying not to do or say anything that might exacerbate the appearance that we were a couple of fruits on a date. It was funny as fcuk. You could see the birds in the queue pegging us and doing a nudge-nudge-wink-wink with their fellas, whilst me and URFA started talking loudly about our kids and wives and how we had no interest in interior decor or Shirley Bassey.

    You know what though, a little bit of me wanted to ham it up a bit, and start giving it the Larry Grayson routine, just to try and embarass the fcuk out of URFA. I was sorely tempted, but resisted as I didn't want to have to scrap with a 4 foot 2 Dumfreeshan fuelled up on 2 pint bravado, all the while shouting "I'm not a fcuking puff, you knob. I was only messing"

    In a small reproduction of the circumstances, URFA today accompanied me to the Asda Walmart near Man City's ground. My 18 month old flushed the Sky Plus controller down the toilet to see if he could break both at the same time. He only managed to sha-g the remote. Our toilet is used to sturdier stuff and has coped with logs so big that the Sky Plus box would be considered a Malteser in comparison. I came home last night to find my wife on the phone to Sky to get a replacement. I had to do a Clint Eastwood, In the Line of Fire style dive to grab the receiver and prevent her completing the transaction.

    "Fcuk that, they'll charge you the earth for it."

    So there we were in the Walmart, a pair of potential puffs again. URFA had come along on the flimsy pretext that he needed a couple of bits and bobs. I mentioned to him as we 'cruised' the aisles looking for the Sky boxes, that we were looking like borderline quegs again. We found the right bit of the shop. The only other person in the aisle was an old bird looking at the Freeview TV's. As I looked at the price for the remotes, I could see her eyeing us suspiciously and seized my chance. URFA in his ridiculously strong Geordie accent said,

    "How man, that's nee fcukin laffin matta, the price o' them"

    I immediately replied, in my best Dale Winton,

    "Well if you don't bloo-dy like it, you can just bloo-dy well move out," followed by an over the top hands on hips gesture. Her face was a fcuking picture, as she mentally pressed the record button on her internal gossip machine. For a couple of seconds URFA was like a rabbit in the headlights, frantically wondering which response would secure his heterosexual status in the eyes of a sag-titted complete stranger. A full punch in the face may have pulled it off, but in the end, and to his credit, he topped me. As I was stood there grinning like a sh-itting dog, he shouted, in the loudest voice that he could possibly muster,

    "Well maybe I fcuking will and you can suck your own fcuking co-ck"

    I dropped the fcuking remote and ran for my life. I could hear him p-issing his sides as I vaulted the checkout and legged it to the car.

    Have any other ARRSERS adopted similar tactics in quasi-queer situations?
  2. <splutter>Well that's another fcuked keyboard...
  3. Fcuking superb!! I now have a whole floor of IT geeks staring at me now as I am crying with fcuking laughter.

    Top drawer!!.
  4. Gleaming, gave me a bloody good laugh and a funny look from the lass. Might try and bite my ear, just to scare her abit more.
  5. Excellent :D :D :D
  6. Great, I've just had the dodgiest looks from the people near me in work as I've wiped the tears from my eyes. Classic.
  7. I have a confession, a dirty secret.

    For some reason, when out shopping with the Family Awol, I have the urge to mince. Maybe it's because I know deep down that with a brood in tow, no one will really doubt my inclinations, but for whatever reason, I do it, I mince.

    I wait until we cut loose as we always do (what the fcuk is there to see in the shampoo aisle for 40 minutes anyway?), and make a beeline for the only bit of Walmart that can entertain a bloke in such an environment, ie the electrical goodies. After scanning to see if there is a new gadget that I 'need' and can't live without, I then get bored, very bored.

    So it happens...a little voice says, 'Mince, go on you bloody poof, mince a bit...' And I do. Just a little swagger at first, from the hips, hardly noticable, but definitely there.

    Then the hand on the hip as I look at the pasta shapes, a purse of the lips, and I'm full-mince.

    It's still subtle though, just enough to be picked up by either real mincers or as CC says above so well, little old ladies who for some reason have a mince-detector deep in their psyche. The worse thing is, I can't stop, and although subtle, I do it proudly and with a flourish, until I suddenly swing gaily around a corner and flounce straight into Mrs Awol and our 2.4 children. As I slip back into the manly Mr Awol she thinks she knows so well, I detect a slight frown, a shake of the head as if to clear it, and she turns back to the shampoo.

    My question is, which is the real me? Am I normal or is there I a flouncer just gagging to get out?

    I'm worried.
  8. Outstanding. Strangely enough people often think I'm gay, with my resplendent haberdashery, love of show-tunes and shaven-to-baldness haircut...I just put it down to jealousy. Men!!
  9. Ikea.

    Even wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with " I shag birds, me" and surrounded by a bevvy of beautiful women, it's still impossible to look more than 47% hetero in Ikea.
  10. I can do a really good impression of a queen, the voice and the mince! And it worries me too, I don't practice it, it's just easy!

    I have to say though I just do it to embarrass the Mrs, she looks absolutely mortified mid shopping spree when I say very loudly, "Ohhh you're sssssuuuch a ssswwweeetie" and slap her lightly on the wrist whilst flouncing! Stops her faffing in an instant and brings the dreaded shopping to an abrupt end! :D :D