From the mouths of children

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by shortfuse, May 9, 2005.

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  1. A good friend of mine works with kids with "educational special needs" in the st helens area.

    ie.... little c*nts.

    he has to sit in , as "muscle" for the teacher so she doesn't get chibbed by one of these little fxxkers , and is supposed to be understanding , and supportive of their needs. :roll:

    so , last week teach is tring to explain (with some difficulty) the difference between something that dissolves , and something that melts, involving long explanations about sugar in tea , and ice ... so teach finally sees the flicker of understanding pass over little tommy's face ,and asks if he knows of something that melts...

    beaming with pride , he straightens his duck billed baseball cap and says

    "yes miss .... me mams wheely bin" :D

    any other little gems from the mouths of sprogs ???
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  2. Im torn between pride & shame as i tell this story but...

    Sat round my mothers table tucking into Sunday dinner, my little one (nearly two) sat at the table in her big girls chair loving the attention as she pushes a whole yorkshire pud into her mush....

    My mum does the rounds dishing up the scoff & turns to my monster and says.... "would you like some more mash my little cheeky monkey" (or words to that effect)

    My little girl looks up over the top of bib, wide eyed & innocent...... "yes Gran Gran my little f.ucker"......... 8O

    Needless to say several mouthfuls of veg were sprayed round the table by those listening... followed by a nervous glance from my hubby, greeted with daggers from me!!! :D
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  3. My son got an almighty bollocking from me last week, as a result of the following conversation:

    Moody Jnr: on your face mummy

    Moody: What did you just say?

    Moody Jnr: Please can I mummys face

    Cue, severe earbashing for swearing with the usual phrases... 'Have you got that off your dad etc etc'

    Moody jnr's bottom lip trembled and tears rolled down his face, but he was still made to to at the bottom of the stairs as punishment.

    I bent down to see if he was ready to say sorry he touched my cheeks and sniffed ' your face mummy?' and looked at me with so much hurt I think it has damaged him for life......He'd meant kiss your face, and yes, I felt a right cnut. Funny though.
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  4. On a shopping trip, a while ago now, into deepest darkest Hackney I discovered why my youngest wasn't allowed Ribena at nursery.

    Standing in a newsagent crowded with the local population I asked what he wanted to drink to which he shouts at the top of his voice 'I want a blackc*nt' :oops: there seemed to be a deadly lull before the gales of laughter!

    He only drinks Kiora now.

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  5. Conversation at the Dees dinnertable yesterday evening...

    (Littlest Dees) - "I feel dick mum"

    (Oldest Little Dees) - Food spayed all over table

    (Mrs Dees) - "What did he say?"

    (Micky Dees) - "I feel SICK mum"

    (Mrs Dees) - Creasing in corner

    (Littlest Dees) - "Look ....Mum...Bitch!" (Pointing in Mrs Dees direction)

    (Oldest & next oldest Dees) Food spraying over table

    (Mrs Dees) - WHAT???

    (Micky Dees) - "Look Mum, Fish" (pointing at fish tank over Mrs Dees left shoulder)

    Little Dees gives Mickey Dees a knowing look...."I know what I meant Dad"
  6. This has been told before in another thread a while ago.

    MDN was looking after his cousin and helped him with his homework. He was about 5 or so and very very gullible / eager to learn.

    His homework consisted of what animals eat.... Tigers, elephants, birds etc etc...

    When it got to the snake he was stumped..... the devil on my shoulder said 'Go on MDN stitch him'

    MDN: What sort of snake is it mate?
    Lad: Dunno....
    MDN: Could it be a python
    Lad: yeah cool its a python
    MDN: Why do you think pythons are called pythons... what do you think they eat
    Lad: looks up looking for direction and cautiously says 'pies?'
    MDN: Bingo Pythons eat pies.....

    In his bestest handwriting he enters this in his homework.

    Following night I get balled at by his mother, he had argued black and white that pyhtons eat pies cos MDN said so and he's a fcuking soldier and he should fcuking know....... he also relayed a few fibs I'd told him about wrestling them in jungles in foreign climes.
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  7. My sister when she was little was kinda skitzo. She had an alter ego that did all the bad things she did. When something was broken she said 'simon did it' (why simon I don't know)

    My mum had cooked a sunday roast for about 20 people, and had been slaving over a hot stove for a week preparing for it. When she offered everyone seconds, she finally came around to my sister.

    Mum: Bigjobbeina, would you like some more?
    Bigjobbeina: No thank you mummy, but it was delicious.

    My mum then sits back down, when exorcist styley, this deep voice comes from my sister,

    Bigjobbeina: You didn't ask simon!!
    Mum: (putting up with this) Oh I'm very sorry, Simon would you like some more?
    Bigjobbeina: No Simon Would Not. It was Fahking Disgusting.

    Simon was beaten out of my little sister, there and then :lol:
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  8. My sister (who was 12 at the time) said that Jesus wasent white because he was from the east midlands.
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  9. Was out shopping in the supermarket a while ago with my mate and his 4 year old rugrat. After wrestling the little turd into the trolley seat, the little tw@ would not shut up. After smacking it in the head with a final can of beans, the little bugger shouted at the top of his voice... 'look dad- there's one of those mongers you told me about'. There indeed was a group of downs syndrome window lickers in an arrowhead formation, making their way towards their fellow vegetables section. After pushing the trolley away at warp speed to avoid confrontation with the rather hard looking carer, the little tw@ kept shouting 'monger monger monger' like a kid with tourettes.

    I was so proud
  10. My son had a speech impediment, and whenever you asked what ducks said he would reply "twat twat" :D
  11. you sure it wasn't more along the lines of 'MLAAAAAR MLAAAAR' before going to try and mount the said canard?
  12. Is he for sale?

    Back on topic.

    My aunty Miriam was posh as fcuk (before she died on an operating table) The sort of person who got out of the bath for a p1ss.

    Apparently according to my mother.... at my younger sisters Christening A young MDN stood looking deep into my aunty Miriams eyes yelling 'c0ck' repeatedly until taken out of church by a grinning father.

    She was heard to say 'What a strange thing for a young chap to scream'

    She left me fcuk all in her will and am still unsure whether to two incidents are related :D
  13. What a load of bollox - everyone knows that ducks say 'wnak wnak' - at least, they did when my daughter was little :)
  14. Back in the late ninties I was managing a EBD Children's Home near stroud. I had got one of our kids into the local cadets, thinking it would help his development. kid promptly cops for feamale cadet and requests trip to cinema followed by supper in tv lounge for two. I gave the ok but the ground rules where no bap juggling. pies or jiggy jig, tounges by mutual concent and the lounge door must remain ajar.
    Everything was swimming along fine ,kid on best behaviour until I propped the lounge door open with a stacking crate, kid " what the feck are you doing" BigT replies " I said the door has to be ajar. Kid yes but thats a fecking box not a jar", bites lip and retreats to office to p*ss pants.
  15. I suspect future problems with daughter no. 1 based upon her recent comment at the dentist - Ignored the request to spit out the mouth rinse and then promptly announced to all & sundry "I like to swallow..." :roll: