From the mouths of children

A good friend of mine works with kids with "educational special needs" in the st helens area.

ie.... little c*nts.

he has to sit in , as "muscle" for the teacher so she doesn't get chibbed by one of these little fxxkers , and is supposed to be understanding , and supportive of their needs. :roll:

so , last week teach is tring to explain (with some difficulty) the difference between something that dissolves , and something that melts, involving long explanations about sugar in tea , and ice ... so teach finally sees the flicker of understanding pass over little tommy's face ,and asks if he knows of something that melts...

beaming with pride , he straightens his duck billed baseball cap and says

"yes miss .... me mams wheely bin" :D

any other little gems from the mouths of sprogs ???
Im torn between pride & shame as i tell this story but...

Sat round my mothers table tucking into Sunday dinner, my little one (nearly two) sat at the table in her big girls chair loving the attention as she pushes a whole yorkshire pud into her mush....

My mum does the rounds dishing up the scoff & turns to my monster and says.... "would you like some more mash my little cheeky monkey" (or words to that effect)

My little girl looks up over the top of bib, wide eyed & innocent...... "yes Gran Gran my little f.ucker"......... 8O

Needless to say several mouthfuls of veg were sprayed round the table by those listening... followed by a nervous glance from my hubby, greeted with daggers from me!!! :D
My son got an almighty bollocking from me last week, as a result of the following conversation:

Moody Jnr: on your face mummy

Moody: What did you just say?

Moody Jnr: Please can I mummys face

Cue, severe earbashing for swearing with the usual phrases... 'Have you got that off your dad etc etc'

Moody jnr's bottom lip trembled and tears rolled down his face, but he was still made to to at the bottom of the stairs as punishment.

I bent down to see if he was ready to say sorry he touched my cheeks and sniffed ' your face mummy?' and looked at me with so much hurt I think it has damaged him for life......He'd meant kiss your face, and yes, I felt a right cnut. Funny though.
On a shopping trip, a while ago now, into deepest darkest Hackney I discovered why my youngest wasn't allowed Ribena at nursery.

Standing in a newsagent crowded with the local population I asked what he wanted to drink to which he shouts at the top of his voice 'I want a blackc*nt' :oops: there seemed to be a deadly lull before the gales of laughter!

He only drinks Kiora now.

Conversation at the Dees dinnertable yesterday evening...

(Littlest Dees) - "I feel dick mum"

(Oldest Little Dees) - Food spayed all over table

(Mrs Dees) - "What did he say?"

(Micky Dees) - "I feel SICK mum"

(Mrs Dees) - Creasing in corner

(Littlest Dees) - "Look ....Mum...Bitch!" (Pointing in Mrs Dees direction)

(Oldest & next oldest Dees) Food spraying over table

(Mrs Dees) - WHAT???

(Micky Dees) - "Look Mum, Fish" (pointing at fish tank over Mrs Dees left shoulder)

Little Dees gives Mickey Dees a knowing look...."I know what I meant Dad"
This has been told before in another thread a while ago.

MDN was looking after his cousin and helped him with his homework. He was about 5 or so and very very gullible / eager to learn.

His homework consisted of what animals eat.... Tigers, elephants, birds etc etc...

When it got to the snake he was stumped..... the devil on my shoulder said 'Go on MDN stitch him'

MDN: What sort of snake is it mate?
Lad: Dunno....
MDN: Could it be a python
Lad: yeah cool its a python
MDN: Why do you think pythons are called pythons... what do you think they eat
Lad: looks up looking for direction and cautiously says 'pies?'
MDN: Bingo Pythons eat pies.....

In his bestest handwriting he enters this in his homework.

Following night I get balled at by his mother, he had argued black and white that pyhtons eat pies cos MDN said so and he's a fcuking soldier and he should fcuking know....... he also relayed a few fibs I'd told him about wrestling them in jungles in foreign climes.
My sister when she was little was kinda skitzo. She had an alter ego that did all the bad things she did. When something was broken she said 'simon did it' (why simon I don't know)

My mum had cooked a sunday roast for about 20 people, and had been slaving over a hot stove for a week preparing for it. When she offered everyone seconds, she finally came around to my sister.

Mum: Bigjobbeina, would you like some more?
Bigjobbeina: No thank you mummy, but it was delicious.

My mum then sits back down, when exorcist styley, this deep voice comes from my sister,

Bigjobbeina: You didn't ask simon!!
Mum: (putting up with this) Oh I'm very sorry, Simon would you like some more?
Bigjobbeina: No Simon Would Not. It was Fahking Disgusting.

Simon was beaten out of my little sister, there and then :lol:
Was out shopping in the supermarket a while ago with my mate and his 4 year old rugrat. After wrestling the little turd into the trolley seat, the little tw@ would not shut up. After smacking it in the head with a final can of beans, the little bugger shouted at the top of his voice... 'look dad- there's one of those mongers you told me about'. There indeed was a group of downs syndrome window lickers in an arrowhead formation, making their way towards their fellow vegetables section. After pushing the trolley away at warp speed to avoid confrontation with the rather hard looking carer, the little tw@ kept shouting 'monger monger monger' like a kid with tourettes.

I was so proud
hermione said:
My son had a speech impediment,
Is he for sale?

Back on topic.

My aunty Miriam was posh as fcuk (before she died on an operating table) The sort of person who got out of the bath for a p1ss.

Apparently according to my mother.... at my younger sisters Christening A young MDN stood looking deep into my aunty Miriams eyes yelling 'c0ck' repeatedly until taken out of church by a grinning father.

She was heard to say 'What a strange thing for a young chap to scream'

She left me fcuk all in her will and am still unsure whether to two incidents are related :D
hermione said:
My son had a speech impediment, and whenever you asked what ducks said he would reply "t**t t**t" :D
What a load of bollox - everyone knows that ducks say 'wnak wnak' - at least, they did when my daughter was little :)
Back in the late ninties I was managing a EBD Children's Home near stroud. I had got one of our kids into the local cadets, thinking it would help his development. kid promptly cops for feamale cadet and requests trip to cinema followed by supper in tv lounge for two. I gave the ok but the ground rules where no bap juggling. pies or jiggy jig, tounges by mutual concent and the lounge door must remain ajar.
Everything was swimming along fine ,kid on best behaviour until I propped the lounge door open with a stacking crate, kid " what the feck are you doing" BigT replies " I said the door has to be ajar. Kid yes but thats a fecking box not a jar", bites lip and retreats to office to p*ss pants.
I suspect future problems with daughter no. 1 based upon her recent comment at the dentist - Ignored the request to spit out the mouth rinse and then promptly announced to all & sundry "I like to swallow..." :roll:

When I were but a wee piglet, mum took me to Woolworths or some other equally boring place for a baby genius, in a pushchair.

A local nun approached and started to pinch my cheeks, ruffle my hair etc and spouted words to the effect of 'my what a sweet child' until baby 'spawn pipes up "Fcuk off'' :twisted:

Mum was not amused, as she wasn't when a family friend picked me up and said 'I'm gonna take yoh home with me' and got a smack in the gob for his trouble. :roll:
My dear sainted mother, when she rouses herself to coherent consciousness, likes to tell a story from my grim dark past..

Seems that l'il Rocket, whilst riding on the streetcar [ tram ] with Mama was taken in wonder at an enormous black woman who entered said a loud voice, which coincided with an unusual moment of silence admist the babble on the car. I announced. " Mummy!.. That lady has TWO big bums!"
In my mis-spent youth I was a Winged God (or as close as a 16yr old Spacey can get) on an Air Cadet Gliding School. The boss's wife thought nothing of using us lads and lasses as unpaid babysitters every weekend for their 4 yr old daughter.

Needless to say it got a little tiresome having her tear-arrsing around the FSC crewroom morning, noon and night (especially when someone had seen fit to bring some filth to watch at night) so we thought we'd liven things up a bit by teaching her how to turn the air blue.

We may have got a little carried away. She got sent home in her first week of infant's school for calling the "rather elderly" teacher a "fcuking cnut". We got away with it though. Our boss was an ex-WO and his missus kept blaming him. I have no doubt we ruined the child's life and that she's now in a young offenders institution or has already had three kids by the age of 16. Still, can't be helped. :twisted:

Of course with a vocabulary like that I'm sure there would be a place for her in HM armed forces.


At a slight tangent, I took my kids to the zoo a year or so back - in fact just after I got back from Iraq - and when we reached the monkey section, Mr and Mrs Chimp were going at it like Rocco Siffredi and Jenna Jameson on acid. I stood watching for a bit, as one does, hoping to pick up some tips on technique, while the young chickenpunks moved on (not being interested in ape porn, unlike their Dad). At this point, another family appeared and, after a few moments, realised that something was going on, not least because the male chimp's big, pink arrse is now going up and down like a trip-hammer. Small boy then pipes up:

'Dad, wot are them monkeys doing?'

'Wrestling son, just wrestling'

At which point, the male chimp comes and rolls away from the stunned looking female, huge schlong in hand...
In town the Saturday before Crimbo some years ago Baroness Reichs Pudding and I were asked to keep her sister’s sprog occupied while she bought him pressies.

He jumped at the chance of a trip to Maccers. The place was chocker but we got served and found a seat. As we chomped through our delicious and nutritious meal the tables were being cleared away by a woman I can only describe as half the size of a 432 in a Maccers uniform (which was nightmarishly translucent due to the strain on the material) At a rough guess I would say she cashed her weekly pay cheque straight into burgers.

The goliath seemed to enthral the sprog as he watched her every move. After a while he pipes up at the top of his voice:


After a short pause, which seemed to be to ensure he had the attention of every one the place, he followed up with.



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