From Chav to Champ: Suggested UK Demonstration Sport for 2012 - "Riot Pentathlon"


Book Reviewer

It used to be (still is?) the case that Olympic host nations were allowed to put forward a national sport as a 'demonstration event' for the Games.

What might the UK offer?

Obviously, there is no point putting forward any of our official national sports - football, golf, rugby, cricket and boxing - as we would simply lose to (respectively) the Jerries, the Yanks, the Kiwis, the Aussies and the Russians.

Clearly, we have do find something more arcane, less cosmopolitan - something that gives GREAT BRITAIN a chance of gold.

Some possibilities might be:
Downhill Pursuit of a Wheel of Gloucester (England)
Shin-kicking (Wales)
Tossing a Log while Wearing a Skirt (Jockland)
Yard of Ale Contest (Non-denominational UK)

Or, alternatively - if we wanted to display something with more contemporary significance - let me the first to suggest "The Riot Pentathlon."

The contest would look something like this:
(1) At start line, as soon as the whistle blows, contestants hurl a volley of bricks at a department store window;
(2) 100 yard dash, followed by break into the department store, and race to locate the electronic goods and sportswear sections;
(3) Blag as much loot as possible;
(4) 400-meter obstacle course down a burning street, running a gauntlet of pathetically ineffectual rozzers:
(5) Short MMA fight with drunken "community defense" volunteers;
(6) Whoever is first past the finish line with a new pair of Nikes and a Flat Screen Samsung is the winner.

Granted, it may not be traditional, but I like this last option the best.

Reasons being:
Clearly, we already have some great talent in training, which means we would almost certainly grab gold.
Moreover, if this event were institutionalized, we could, at the drop of a hat, turn several thousand rioting chavs into proud British athletes.
This would, in turn, sort out the public order problems: From now on, instead of cursing coppers and whining ineffectually in that peculiarly English way, embattled communities could be out cheering their rioters on, supporting local Olympic hopefuls.

So there ye have it. Is this idea:
(1) A cracker;
(2) A belter or (dare I say it...?)
(3) A corker?

Note: Any members of the British or International Olympic Committees who wish to discuss this further, kindly contact me care of ARRSE.

*This part of the event would permit the world to see the proud British Bobby at his best.


Book Reviewer
News just in from the sports desk:- Scousers are refusing to travel to London for the Spurs v Everton match on Saturday due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen.
You would have thought that the olympics had already started, A gun goes off and 8 black men sprint away.

And going by the amount of electrical goods that have been looted this week I recon we might be in with a chance for a fencing medal next year.
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