Friday smile

#1
Abdul and Paddy were begging outside Waterloo station.

Abdul has a Mercedes Benz, A large house in Westminster and loads of cash to spend and Paddy has absolutely nothing but the rags he was wearing.

Abduls begging hat was overflowing with £10 notes and paddy`s had only a few pennies in it.

"How do you do it?" asked Paddy.

"Look at your sign" said Abdul.

Paddy looked and his read :-

"Out of work and Wife and six kids to support."

"Now look at mine" Abdul said.

Paddy looked and Abduls read:-

"I only need another £10 to get back to Pakistan."
 
#3
Subject: Diary of a Woman V Man

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I
wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep. :(
========================================================

MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20 th October 2007

England lost to South Africa . Gutted. Got a shag though. :D
 
#4
36DD breasts covered in warm Belgium Chocolate,
1 inch erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings topped with whipped cream.

Clean shaven minge framed by an open crotched leather thong, moist salty clit smothered in blackberry jam.....................


This is not just porn,


this is M&S porn



Edited for mong spelling
 
#5
Scabbers said:
Subject: Diary of a Woman V Man

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I
wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I
put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he
did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and
a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and
that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep. :(
========================================================

MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20 th October 2007

England lost to South Africa . Gutted. Got a shag though. :D

:D :D :D :D
 
#6
Mr & Mrs Blobby are in bed together.....

Mrs Blobby says '"blib blob blobble blub bibby bob blubbly blib!!!"

Mr Blobby says "just fecking swallow it!"
 
#7
Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is DOGGY STYLE, thats where the man sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead
 
#9
Women are like parking spaces, all the good ones are usually taken,
so, occasionally, when no one is looking you have to stick it in a disabled one! :twisted:
 
#10
Male and Female Showering Habits

Shower like a woman...

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Shower like a man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.
 
#11
black man goes to the doctors because he can,t stop running on the spot.doctor puts a line of white powder on the desk and tells him to snort it and it,ll make him slow down.

the black man snorts it and sure enough it stops him in his tracks."good stuff that doc is it coke?" asks the black man ."no its persil" replies the doctor "it stops colours running!"
 
#13
are you an england fan?feeling depressed?down in the dumps?then call the rfu helpline on 0800 101010, thats 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
__________________
 
#15
A man arrives home from the pub very late and very drunk. His wife snaps, "Alright then smart arrse - expalin the lipstick on your shirt!"
"Easy", the bloke slurs, "I used my shirt to wipe my knob!"
 
#16
Husband : Put on your coat love, I'm going to the pub.
Wife : Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband : Don't be silly woman, I'm turning off the heating.
 
#17
:( I knew I was having a bad day when - -


On the way to the station this morning, I rear-ended a car. The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf, poor b +stard. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said, "I am not happy."


So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"


That's how the fight started.....
 
#18
Depression...

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the 'Good
Samaritans'

I was put through to a "Call Centre" in Pakistan

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news & wanted to know if I could drive
a truck or fly an aeroplane!
 
#19
I get an oxygen thief tag for a Maddy joke, and you're all allowed to be blatantly racist, and that's ok??

I'm not complaining, I think the jokes are funny. Just a thought, that's all.....as the Army has always had a stigma for being "institutionaly racist" it's not good press.
 
#20
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a
shower. I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife put up her thumbs indicating that she understands and signals
back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies, .............

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!! :eek:
 

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