Friday Sh!ts and giggles....

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by MAD_FERRET, Apr 18, 2008.

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  1. Random amusements from the week to put a smile on the face of all those still chained to the desk on POETS day....

    You think Terminal 5 at Heathrows bad enough?
    I know of someone who spent 6 days hanging around at Paddington Station..

    3 kids in a class, the teacher asks: "Amy, What do cows say?"
    "Moo" comes the reply.
    Teacher asks Tom "what do sheep say?"
    "Baa" replies Tom.
    Teacher then turns to Leroy and says "Leroy, what do pigs say?"
    Leroy thinks for a minute, then replies:
    "freeze nigger, whats in the bag?"

    Feel free to carry on gents......
  2. With pleasure. I'm enjoying my POETS day as I finished work before 10.

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
  3. What has George Michael and Wellington Boots got in common....??

    They both get sucked off in bogs....

    You're welcome.
  4. Shannon Matthews, Carlsberg don't do ugly kids but if they did...

    An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

    At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

    The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

    The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

    The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

    Then he quietly explained.

    "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fcuking Frenchmen to show it to"
  5. A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

    ‘Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?’

    ‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.

    The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’

    ‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.

    The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?’

    ‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’

    ‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

    You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a prostitute and your dad were a drug addict, what would you be then?’

    ‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.’
  6. I'm crap at this game, can anyone help?

    |. |
    |. O
    | /|\
    | / \

    M_RK SPE_G_T
  7. Plagiarist!!! Look at the joke section, it was put in yesterday by me and I claim copyright.
  8. Bollocks I nicked it from Sickipedia
  9. The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

    Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
    all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

    After a few days they meet again.....
    The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

    The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

    The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

    My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV remote and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
  10. that is farking superb....
  11. The Governments new publicity campaign to persuade more peole to make regular visits to the Dentists.

    Before and after....

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