Friday morning jokes

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Agent_Smith, Jan 7, 2005.

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  1. Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

    What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
    "Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"

    A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".

    "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour".

    "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

    "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky".

    So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs".

    The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

    "You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."
    She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

    The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?" "Ah", says the German, ............................

    wait for it...........

    "Four-sprung duck technique".
  2. The Adam & Eve joke was delivered soon after the introduction of breakfast TV (the ITV version). It was deemed a bit much for 07:20, and Kenny Everett was duly barred from future appearances.
  3. Two lads take the afternoon off work to get leathered. After a skinful in
    the city centre, one of the lads spews his ring up all over his work shirt.

    "B*llocks," he says to his mate, "me wife isn't gonna let me back in the
    house looking like this."

    His mate replies-

    "Don't worry, just say that you were in the pub having one drink after work when some drunken arrsehole puked on your shirt at the bar, and by way of apology he gave you twenty quid for the cleaning bill." Having said this he puts a £20 note in his mates shirt pocket.

    After another six pints, and having lost his keys, the first lad goes home
    and knocks on his door. His wife answers with a disgusted look on her face.

    Before she can say a word the bloke says-
    "Listen love, I can explain. I just having a small drink after work when
    some drunk was sick on my shirt. But it's ok, he was very sorry and gave
    me twenty quid to have it cleaned. See?"

    He hands her the money from his shirt pocket.

    "But there's forty quid here!" she replies.

    "Oh yeah, he shat in me undies as well, love."
  4. quality :D