Friday Joke

#1
Elton John goes into the tatooist and asks him to tatoo the words Rolls Royce on his dick, Tattooist says you had better put Land Rover on it considering the amount of shit it goes through. 8O
 
#2
Elton John and Rod Stewart are taking a walk in the park when they spot a young lady with her head stuck in the railings.
On closer inspection it becomes apparent that the young lady had been bending down when her head had become trapped.
Not only this but the wind had caught her skirt and sent it billowing up to reveal no knickers.

Believe it or not but the young lady is, in fact, Britney Spears.

"Jesus ! look at that", exclaims Rod, "I've got to have some of that. Rod then drops his rock star trousers and proceeds to give Ms Spears a good seeing to from behind.
When finished he turns to Elton John and says "Do you fancy having a go?".

"Nah", says Elton "I'd never get my head between the gap in the railings."
 

Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
#4
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.



She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.



"What's the matter,dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"



The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks.



The wife is thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.



The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"



"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.



The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"



"I remember that too" she replied softly.



He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today. …. “ :lol:


Lee Shaver
 
#6
A three year old little boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered,"Not yet
 
#8
baby_officer said:
Anyone fancy knowing how the world was REALLY created?
Yeah, but have you seen some of the flak he's received:

ChiChi said:
I HATE your cartoon! i was very offended. If you are going to make cartoons dont make them like that! if someone was not saved and they saw that it would have a differentmeaning ! IT WAS WRONG OF YOU!
Well that's him told. :D
 
#9
Under the tagline 'God promises hope':

Dude said:
One day I shall send a representative to your diminutive planet and have him executed painfully in order to give hope to mankind in a contrived, implausible sort of way.
:D
 
#12
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
 
#14
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
 
#16
Woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out of her fanny.

Doctor says "ohhhhhhh, that looks nasty"

Woman replies "Thats nothing, its just the tip of the iceburg"


:D :D :D
 
#17
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

:D
 
#18
Corporal said:
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

:D
That is truly the most un PC joke ever, but was feckin brilliant!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#19
An old woman is riding an elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elvator smelling of expensive perfume and turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

One floor later the next young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and also very arrogantly turns and says to the old woman, "Chanel No. 5 $150 and ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. But before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."


I'll get my coat......
 
#20
Camilla goes to visit the Queen. Camilla sayes "every time i suck Charlies c0ck i get heart burn" Queen replies "have you tried Andrews?!!!!!!"

Little Jimmy asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said " son we would get you one but the mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job" The next day little Jimmy walked out with his bags packed. His dad asked "where are you going son?" Jimmy said "well I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum that you were pulling out. Then i heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too, and there's no way I'm staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no fcuking bike!" :lol:
Thats not an olden its Golden!
 
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