Friday, how about some laughs

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by viceroy, Feb 1, 2013.

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  1. Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the
    night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it
    home OK!
    > >

    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
    > >

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
    should have taken them off.
    > >

    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
    she likes to call it.
    > >

    After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
    to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
    I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
    > >

    I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
    downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
    I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
    breakfast until 11:30.
    > >

    Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
    night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
    > >

    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
    "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
    > >

    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
    "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
    "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
    > >

    A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic
    100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
    "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
    > >

    A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
    "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
    > >

    I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
    like she's moving during sex.
    > >

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 3
  2. Fuck off I just been made redundant.
  3. This MD of a company and its not doing very well financially so he has to make someone redundant. He narrows it down to 2 people - Jack and Jane. He goes through the personnel records of both, and they do their work well, both are never late, and dont have any time of because they are young and fit. He can't make up his mind so he thinks I know, the first one to use that water cooler in the hallway, I will make redundant.

    Sure enough along comes Jane, gets some water, and takes two asprins because she has a huge hangover. The MD comes over to Jane and says " sorry Jane , but I have got to lay you or Jack off". Jane says " oh, well can you jack off? cos I dont feel well at the moment"
  4. Confucious did NOT say.....
    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

    It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

    Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ."A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" --

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
  5. A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy
    about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday
    for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
    her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
    "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for
    a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.
    The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
    shop, put out his hand and said "350".
    The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her
    predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
    She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his
    legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
    The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
    • Like Like x 1
  6. [h=2]Friday, how about some laughs[/h]
    ...I'm still waiting...

  7. Try dropping your trousers and looking in the mirror.
  8. phil245

    phil245 LE Book Reviewer

    Man who farts in Church, sits in own phew.
  9. Well I found the thread amusing but then I'm just back from the hell holes of B & Q and Asda at Farnborough so the humour threshold is low.
  10. FrosteeMARIA

    FrosteeMARIA LE Gallery Guru

    Cheer the fuck up! Miserable arrse :dance:
  11. What's black and sticky?

    A stick.

    What's black and runny?

    Usain Bolt.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. QUESTIONS & ANSWERS. !!!!!
    Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

    Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
    A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

    Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
    A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

    Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
    A. Call her and tell her.

    Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
    A. "Is it in?"

    Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
    A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

    Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
    A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

    Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
    A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

    Q. What's the definition of trust?
    A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

    Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
    A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

    Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
    A. A bloody waste of fucking time.

    Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
    A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

    Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
    A. A pounding sensation in the ass.

    Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
    A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

    Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    A. After five years your job will still suck.

    Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

    Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
    A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

    Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
    A. Whores fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

    Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
    A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

    Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
    A. Miracle whip.

    Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
    A. Thanks for coming.
    Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
    A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

    Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
    A. A police horse.

    Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
    A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

    Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...
    A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

    Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
    A. About three inches.
    Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
    A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
    Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
    A. Ten minutes of silence!

    Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
    A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed.
    Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

    Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
    A. One of his fingers is clean.

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
  13. The problem is that by the time you reach my age it is rare to hear a new joke, just rehashes of the same old, same old...

    It's all right for you youngsters hearing them for the first time. Give it another 30-40 years and then see if you still laugh at them.


  14. Now this one from another thread made me laugh...

    [h=2]Cat cruelty.[/h]
    There are some horrible people about.
    I heard a cat crying outside last night, I opened the front door and found four Coventry fans were playing football with it.
    I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.