Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the
night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it
home OK!
> >
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
> >
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.
> >
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
> >
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
> >
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
> >
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
> >
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
> >
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
> >
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic
100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
> >
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."
> >
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
> >
...
Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it
home OK!
> >
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
> >
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I
should have taken them off.
> >
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as
she likes to call it.
> >
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
> >
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
> >
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last
night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
> >
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
> >
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
> >
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic
100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
> >
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous
brothers."
> >
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.
> >
...
Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)
