French still sulking over Agincourt

B

BambiBasher

Guest
#1
And now they're holding a conference at the site of their crushing defeat so that they can all get together and air their grievances. There will be some English academics there, who will no doubt apologise on all our behalfs.

Not Fair, says Pierre
 
#4
BambiBasher said:
And now they're holding a conference at the site of their crushing defeat so that they can all get together and air their grievances. There will be some English academics there, who will no doubt apologise on all our behalfs.

Not Fair, says Pierre
Now this is funny.

I read this about a year ago.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/034911918X/?tag=armrumser-21

It was the French that wanted the battle. Henry V was trying to get his army home and avoid battle. The French got a proper kicking though.

There where many things against the frogs that day. Rain had turned the field into a quagmire. There was almost no room to maneuver. The longbow was lethal and the archers where big burly men that would get stuck in at close quarters.
 
#6
There is no way the French were outnumbered or even equal in numbers, they must have had a massive numerical superiority or they would have employed their normal tactic, that of raising a white flag, rolling over and taking it up the derriare (spl). It therefore must follow that the rest o their new claims are equally spurious.

Pierre get over it.
 
#8
From USENET a number of years back

What *Really* Happened at Agincourt....

The Flower of French Chivalry had formed up in immaculate order across the
field, magnificent in their finest, glittering imported armour, resplendent
in highly coloured livery and equipped with other rather camp accessories so
often favoured by the French.
"Pah! Assey 'y vous 'zis peetiful band of English ros'boef jesteurs! Zey
sink zey are a match for uz?" lisped the Dauphin, impatient to start
slaughtering as soon as possible.
"Hmmm - I 'av 'erd zat leetle island does produce mighty warrieurs
zometames?" said the Herald diplomatically.
"Orsefezzers and panzeur peedle - az zey sey over zere een zere feelthy
countray!" snapped the Constable of France. "We shall 'ave feenished zem off
before eet eze even tame for elevnensees - ah am only concerned zat zere are
not enough of ze batards for uz all to get a propere beet of carnage een!"

The Herald bit his lip and moved to the rear. He'd been down to the English
camp and had a look round. They were a scruffy bunch, that was true, but he
wasn't so sure the confidence of his commanders was fully justified. But
then he was only wearing a rather lightweight bumfreezer jacket instead of
plate armour, and was consequently more wary of the power of the English
longbow....

At the other end of the field, confidence was in somewhat shorter
supply.....
"I've humped this bloody stick for bleeding miles!" moaned Bill, a sturdy
archer with skeletal deformities, "what am I supposed to do with the ****ing
thing now?"
The usual cheery obedience of the English infantry was obviously wearing
rather thin, and Sergeant Brigand realised this was a critical moment. He
thought about it for a second, then smashed Bill round the head with his
rusty, second-hand gauntlet pillaged by his father at Crecy.
"Shaddap! Just set 'em up and do as yer ****ing told!" he snarled. "And
sharpen the ****ing end properly, ye lazy ****! That goes for the rest of ye
too!" Sure enough, Bill and the others got to work, grumbling quietly, but
not within earshot of the Sergeant or any of the noblemen who wandered
anxiously up and down the line.
"I wish I'd never come, I really do!" groaned John the Thatcher. "I'd just
be rolling out of bed with Big Nell the Milkmaid right now...."
"I know what you mean! The bloody catering's been a ****ing disgrace. I've
had the Katmandu Quickstep all the way from ****ing Harfleur! It's worse
than the bleedin' Glastonbury festival!" moaned Tom Carpenter, hewing away
at the end of his stake as he eyed the glittering French array with concern.
"It's all right for them - ****ing snails and froglegs for breakfast no
doubt, washed down wi' fancy wine an' stuff! Soft toilet paper - wet wipes -
the works! What chance 'ave we ****ing got I ask ye?" John winced and
clutched his stomach.
"****ing 'ell! I've got to go again! If the battle starts before I'm back,
sharpen me stake for me will ye?" he shouted, racing into the bushes at the
end of Tramcourt Wood.
"Chuffin 'eck!" cried Richard the Northener, "Me as well...." as he raced to
the rear, clutching his nethers in a most undignified manner.

King Henry looked anxious as he surveyed the position uneasily.
"Hells bells and buckets of blood - there's an awful of them your Grace!?"
said York uneasily.
"Mmmm... never mind, I said a prayer. We'll be fine...." Henry replied
coolly.
"Ah, if only a few of the men that do no work today were here with us now,
well, er, you know what I mean my liege?" said Westmorland anxiously.
"Nonsense!" snapped the King. " Who says so? Half our chaps are in the
bushes relieving themselves, that's all. Don't worry about it - chill out
will ye?" Westmorland looked unconvinced. If only Imodium had been available
in the 15th century he thought.... or even Kaolin and Morphine.....

Meanwhile, the French, lusty and over-confident as usual in their pathetic,
sneering, continental, arrogant, smug self-assurance, were champing at the
bit and raring to go, the fools.
At long last all was in order, and they slammed down their visors and
charged toward the thinly manned English line.....
The Herald, au fait with Crecy, Poitiers and numerous other battles, watched
them racing in the direction of St. Ayn Desasterre and shook his head. There
'd be tears before bedtime...

Back at the English position, the mighty thunder of hooves and the clank of
armour had a dramatic effect.
"Sound the alarum! All hands man your battle stations!" shouted the King,
and thousands of groaning men emerged from the bushes discarding their hose
in the rush, and took up positions without even washing their hands. Stomach
cramps notwithstanding, they bravely stood fast and clenched their
magnificent well muscled buttocks, as the huge wave of heavy cavalry
approached at full pelt, and the thunder of hooves shook the ground. Certain
they were about to be smashed into the mud at any second, they nevertheless
coolly prepared to face the end as English hooligans have in the face of
cavalry charges on foreign soil ever since, and brandished their
weapons.....

King Henry was hastily signing a note of surrender and agreements of safe
passage to Calais when suddenly the thundering stopped. He looked up in
astonishment to see that the French had halted dead in their tracks, some
fifty yards short of the English line. What was this? Had his prayers been
answered? He hastily hid the shameful documents in his sleeve and decided
what to do... only one thing for it. Send in the lads!

The first wave of French cavalry were in complete disarray, and cries of
"Zoot Alors!", "Sacre Blue!", "Mon Dieu", "Au Secours" and other expressions
called out by weedy Frenchmen in distress filled the air.
"Phworr! What ees zis - le batards are abusing ze chemeecal warfare! Eet ees
against all ze rules of chivalrey!" wailed the Dauphin, holding a lavender
scented handkerchief to his enormous nose.
"Mah Liege - wee must weethdraw immediately, or all ees lost! Zis stench ees
from 'ell eetself - what 'ave zey been eating for ****'s sake?" cried the
Constable in utter horror. Even Sir Angus McDevastator, in charge of the
Scottish contingent, was gagging and retching as he spluttered to his second
in command.
"Ye've got tae give 'em credit laddie - even Scotch lavvies are nae as bad
as that!" But even as he began to solemnly salute the grim faced Englishmen
ahead, the second wave of cavalry charged into the back of them, tipping
everyone into the mud....

Ten minutes later.....

"Well, I'd never have thought it, but it hasn't turned out to be such a bad
day after all?" said Bill brightly, ramming his bloodstained dagger through
the visor of a fallen Frenchman, producing a ghastly, gurgling scream.
"Nor me. Mind you, this is hard work - when do we get a break?" muttered
John, drowning one man in the mud by standing on the back of his neck as he
whacked another repeatedly on the head with a lead maul.
"Huh! These are made for camping - time we got proper hammers! Five hits and
he's still moaning..." he grumbled.
"Stop whining you idle layabouts, and get to bloody work!" growled Sergeant
Brigand, as he broke the neck of a wounded Frenchman floundering in the mud
with well practised ease.
"There's an hour and a half 'till lunch, and I don't want to see any
slacking! Then later on you can strip your sleeves, fib about your scars and
impress the neighbours... well, that's what the King said anyway. Until
then, ****ing pull your fingers out and look lively!"
"Huh... work, work work..." muttered Bill as he departed, slicing the purse
away from the Frenchman's neck and stuffing it into his quilted gambeston.
"I tell you what, in a couple of hundred years there'll be a civil war, and
his lot'll be first up against the wall..."
 
#10
I hate the French..
 
#11
inkerman7492 said:
Re-Match!!!
We had a rematch.........Waterloo I think it was called!
 
#12
Murphy_Slaw said:
inkerman7492 said:
Re-Match!!!
We had a rematch.........Waterloo I think it was called!
Another occassion where the Frogs fought only because they believed they had the upper hand. As has been stated many times before they are cheese eating surrender monkeys unless they feel they have everything stacked on their side.
 
#13
Fantassin is being rather quiet today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#15
light_projector said:
Rematch. Winner gets to keep Carla Bruni with Jane Birkin for afters. Oh yesh.
Had to google them but no faulting your taste. :salut:
 
#16
I believe that the correct response from the Longbowmen on the day was to raise the first two fingers of their pulling arms into a "V" and wave them towards the Frogs! Wonder what ever happened to that quaint tradition?

P-T
 
#17
postman_twit said:
I believe that the correct response from the Longbowmen on the day was to raise the first two fingers of their pulling arms into a "V" and wave them towards the Frogs! Wonder what ever happened to that quaint tradition?

P-T
Interestingly, this was because the french said they would cut off the fore and middle finger of any english archers they captured, so they couldn't draw a bow again.

Funny how the gesture is still around...
 
B

BambiBasher

Guest
#18
JJ123 said:
postman_twit said:
I believe that the correct response from the Longbowmen on the day was to raise the first two fingers of their pulling arms into a "V" and wave them towards the Frogs! Wonder what ever happened to that quaint tradition?

P-T
Interestingly, this was because the french said they would cut off the fore and middle finger of any english archers they captured, so they couldn't draw a bow again.

Funny how the gesture is still around...
In the same way, the French traditional greeting is to raise both hands in welcome.
 
#19
...More controversially still, they will say that the foreign invaders used numerous underhand tactics against an honourable enemy.

These included burning prisoners to death and setting 40 bloodthirsty royal bodyguards on to a single Gallic nobleman who had surrendered....
Works for me. :p ;)

 

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