French Military Victories??????

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by Plastic Yank, Sep 10, 2004.

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  1. I realise this has another thread in here, but i just could not resist:

    Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    - Hundred Years War
    - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

    - Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Revolution- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War- Tied

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War
    - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken schoolboy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I
    - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    - World War II
    - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina
    - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism
    - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

    Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
  2. Ever actually served with them then?
  3. Absolutely superb and oh so true........

    Nice on PY!

  4. Frogs, no, meet some cadets from St Cyr whilst at Sandhurst, oh and meet the General commanding the French Sector in Berlin - now he was a scary f*cker, Legion man, and Corsican :!:

    but no, never served with them, just rehashing prejudice and rumour :p
  5. cheered me up no end :lol:
    nothing like Frog bashing to pass the time
  6. Type French Military Victories into your Google home page and Hit I feel luccky I think everybody will like the results :

    Failing that type weopens of mass destruction and do the same.....equally as an amusing result
  7. Corsicans arn't French. Go and ask one. It's a bit like going up to a Scotsman and commenting about how you love his Englishness.
  8. Never said he was French - said he was commanding the French Sector and he was a Legionnaire! Corsicans still serve under the French Flag!
  9. So can anybody a la legion...
  10. Yes, and it's all true ;)

    Remember being shown around hosts museum, 2eRIMa, when it all went embarrassing - something about Syria, 1941 and Vichy versus us... With a cough we all swiftly moved on.

    Interesting lunchtime, nice traditions bugle calls and no ozzifers mess they just sat at a high table free wine on tap as much as you like !!! Evidently this was a normal lunch.

    Many of the Poilu seemed to be of arab extraction, even in the 80's, we tried to sell one of our ladies to an arab caporal-chef who was most interested. Frog equivelent of Commomwealth recruits?

    This unit BTW was one of their professional inf units as opposed to the normal conscripts units.

    Napoleone Buonaparte was Italian, Sardinian in fact. (as Corsica was part of Sardina when he was born)
  11. didn't know that! see kids, ARRSE is educational! :D
  12. Good stuff.