Found in a dumpster behind the Palace....

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Rocketeer, Mar 3, 2005.

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  1. Sneaky journalists discovered a discarded daily agenda out behind Buckingham Palace..

    Feb 10: Decided to take the plunge and ask Camilla for her hand in marriage. wearing my most expensive Saville row suit, so asked a footman to fall on one knee for me. Camilla accepts immediately though is quite put out she isn't marrying the footman. After an exhaustive search, found a suitable ring in the Crown Jewels trunk in the attic. It originally belonged to Queen Anne where-is-your-head-gril? Boleyn who historians say was ' not one of the handsomest women in the world ' - thought that quite fitting.

    Feb 11: rogaine treatments don't seem to be working. Camilla found some new hairs, but they were all in my ears. Archbishop rang up from Canerbury. Told me that 3% of Anglicans were in favour of the marriage, the other 97% were starting their own church. Had a call from the BBC they want me to star in a reality series called Changing Monarchies. passed them on to my agent.

    Feb 12: Camilla informed me she wants a facelift before the wedding. Told her it was a bloody waste of time and money..sleeping on the couch isn't so far..

    Feb 13: Letter from the Royal Solicitor says the wedding might not be legal because royals cannot marry in civil ceremonies. Asked him if he recommended cancelling.. he said no, recommend abdication.

    Feb 14. for Valentine's Day felt we should be ' registered ' Camilla wanted Harrods..but I insisted on sending a message to thye people that I remain ' one of them, so Marks & Spencer it is. Tip to Guests: They have a bargain on three-packs of sturdy Y-fronts, I'm getting low..

    Feb 15: Wills rang me up, says he can't give me away at the ceremony. Something about destroying last shred of dignity and place in society or some such. Harry called to ask if he could come in disguise..Reluctantly agreed after extracting promise he'll not wear anything vaguely Third Reichy..

    Feb 16: despite heavy burden of public opinion , took a day off and went fox hunting before the season closes...was followed by 1 huntsman, 17 riders, 25 hounds and 3000 protesters. managed to top 20 of the little blighters, also got 2 foxes.Daddy pulled me aside during the gin break and told me " look, boy, this damnable event is an embarrassment to the entire family!' turned out he wasn't meaning the hunt..went after him but he was busy insulting schoolkids..

    Feb 17: decided to join the Heir Club for Men. Only two of us. Crown Prince Guillaume of Luxembourg and myself. Exchanged the secret handcshake then left.

    Feb 18: Fellow from Australia phoned up,says he hope's to become the First president of the Republic, wondered how mumsy's health was. told him, sadly, she was just fine.

    Feb 19: Call from the accountants at the duchy of cornwall, they want to know how to pay for the new jaguar. tolm 'em to take it out of the gardening account. Lose the receipts using Jiggery-Pokery 6.2 software programme.

    Feb 20: Gob-smacked to learn Mumsy won't be attending the wedding. Camilla says she's snubbing us,, bad form.. Mumsy says she's keeping a low profile as per instructions from my staff besides she can't stand sitting next to commoners with body odour..Father has begged off, says he's off to shag sheep in Canada's Rockies, long standing invite from someone named Doris...Anne, Edward and Andrew claim to have ' official duties' already committed to..I'm tired and heartbroken.. wonder if I can just get a job in a bank.

    Feb 21: Did a walkabout, pointed at things, opened a bridge, turned some sod, inspected a riverbank, touselled a youngsters hair, waved from my balcony, dined with the Lord Mayor, felt like a somebody again, but damned tired from the rigors of the job.

    Feb 22: 11 days since the invitations went out..So far, no one has confirmed. Decided to show Camilla the brochure from the Elvis Drive-Thru Chapel in Las Vegas.. must admit it looks better each day.

    Feb 23: My valet tells me HM The Queen wants a meeting with the Heir to the Throne immediately..rushed down the hall to find her deep in conversation with Wills..Bugger it, Vegas it is, then...

    apologies to Bob Robertson...