Found: An Army Legend

#1
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/4693520.stm

Can you even begin to imagine what kind of a fecking monster this old boy must have been in the Naafi Bar when he was a Tom? Think of all the fcuked-up, repugnant sh1t you may have eaten/drunk as part of a man test- would it even come close to this?

I'll bet cold hard cash that it was this very soldier who also pioneered such traditions as skiffing, swamping, freckles and filling his foreskin with coins of the realm. (I bet he used the old pennies too- he probably thought pound coins were for poofs.)
 
#2
Top Bloke.
Saw a Ray Mears thing about jungle survival last night, had an old (Spam) Survival Instructor from Vietnam days, who popped out some MRE from 1969 - fresh as a daisy-ish. Result.
 
#10
Also notice how he's discribed as 'Former soldier', which is technically true. However he left the army before he was married, over fifty years ago. It doesn't have him down as former anything else or retired anything else does it? Has he spent his whole married life unemployed or was the army pension after a few years service so good back then that he never had to work again?

Am I going to be labled 'Former soldier' for the rest of my life? Am I not a human being too? He's not obviously, the chickin proves that, but me?
 
#11
Following this story, a french film crew decided to interview Mr Lailey.
Arriving un announced on a friday evening they rang his doorbell and waited for several minutes.
Suddenly the sound of a large object could be heard falling down the stairs and Mr Lailey's silouhette was seen to right itself on the other side of the glass door.
The french rang the bell again and the door was flung open by Mr Lailey who was stood, in his underpants and with a black eye.
The conversation between Mr Lailey and the french director is documented below.
"Monsieur Lailey?"
"FCUK!!"
"Er, bonjour, est que tu Monsieur Lailey?"
"FCUKING FCUK, FCUK OUT, FCUK!!"
"I am how you say....sorry. Are you mister Lailey?"
"Bllooooooargh!" (audible sound of vomitting)
"Ah, merde!"

At this point eye witnesses say that Mr Lailey snapped out of his drunken stupor and became overtly agressive.
"Ooooh he became right nasty, he did. And he's got a temper on him, eeeeh his mouth's as dirty as his cap!" Said nextdoor neighbour Mrs Ada P1ssbucket.

Mr Lailey then adopted the stance of a 1920s prize fighter and attempted various moves of fancy footwork that all resulted in loss of stability. Armed only with stained Y fronts, a gold necklace and various sovereign rings, Mr Lailey proclaimed.
"Ya see that Mike Tyson? Rocky Marciano would've cut 'im to ribbons!"
Following an enquiry from the French crew as to Mr Lailey's mental health, he stripped off the last remnants of his clothes, bellowed,
"IT'S THE NAZ-EES THEY'VE COME BACK!" And launched into a violent attack.
When the police arrived Mr Lailey was stood naked, covered in blood and urinating on the bodies of the French. When he was arrested, Mr Lailey's only quote was.
"That's them telt!"
 
#13
Compo IS good for you, even if out of date. When the nippers were small, used to feed them compo sausages when on nappy duty. Mrs B could never understand my diligence till she came home early one night. Ouch, that DID hurt. Nippers still love the cardboard sausages but not partial to babies head, yet.
 
#14
Plant-Pilot said:
Also notice how he's discribed as 'Former soldier', which is technically true. However he left the army before he was married, over fifty years ago. It doesn't have him down as former anything else or retired anything else does it? Has he spent his whole married life unemployed or was the army pension after a few years service so good back then that he never had to work again?

Am I going to be labled 'Former soldier' for the rest of my life? Am I not a human being too? He's not obviously, the chickin proves that, but me?
I think the pertinent point about the chap being a "former soldier" is that I just can't imagine that the idea of voluntarily leaving a tin of chicken for 50 years before eating it, would ever occur to anyone other than a squaddie. (For further evidence see the "Squaddies trying to behave like normal people" thread.)

On the other hand, looking at his Doris, you could perhaps understand any longing he has to bring forth his appointment with the Grim Reaper.
 
#15
crabtastic said:
Plant-Pilot said:
Also notice how he's discribed as 'Former soldier', which is technically true. However he left the army before he was married, over fifty years ago. It doesn't have him down as former anything else or retired anything else does it? Has he spent his whole married life unemployed or was the army pension after a few years service so good back then that he never had to work again?

Am I going to be labled 'Former soldier' for the rest of my life? Am I not a human being too? He's not obviously, the chickin proves that, but me?
I think the pertinent point about the chap being a "former soldier" is that I just can't imagine that the idea of voluntarily leaving a tin of chicken for 50 years before eating it, would ever occur to anyone other than a squaddie. (For further evidence see the "Squaddies trying to behave like normal people" thread.)

On the other hand, looking at his Doris, you could perhaps understand any longing he has to bring forth his appointment with the Grim Reaper.
Just goes to show that tinned chicken ages better than your average Doris.
 
#16
Ref: The Emergency Ration Pack article.

I've NEVER heard of Biscuits AB referred to as "cardboardy". If they are "cardboardy" these days, it would be a marked improvement over the 1/4in stuff that had the taste and texture of slate that I knew so well.

Also think there were a lot of Walts passing comment about using them on Ex for days/weeks at a time, because nobody mentioned having to bite down on a leather belt and bursting blood vessels in their eyes from the strain of that first post-ex sh1t and the ensuing compo anaconda.
 
#17
Crabtastic may have a point there with reference to the post ex bowel movement. I did hear a rumour they were going to fix those levees early and now we know why.

My proudest rat pack pooh was at about 15,000ft at the summit of Mt. Whitney in the USA. I told everyone it was altitude sickness that gave me the urge but I was just being weak. I like to imagine the conversation in their equivalent of Ordinance Survey:

“Sir, we have an anomaly with the latest survey of Mt. Whitney.”

“What is it man, I’m busy with the survey of the New Orleans levees.”

“Well, it’s grown by a couple of inches and the tip of the summit is a bright orange that can be seen from space!”


I'm of the opinion it wasn't the only sh1t I left behind.