for your pleasure

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by portlandbill, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

    Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."

    Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."

    Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"

    Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

    Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

    Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

    Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

    Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

    Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

    Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."

    Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

    Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"

    Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

    Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

    Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

    Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."



    Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

    Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

    Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

    Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"

    A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it says: So's tomorrow."

    Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

    Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

    Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

    Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

    Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"

    Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."

    Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"

    Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."

    Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

    Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

    Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

    Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

    Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

    Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

    Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

    Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

    Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

    Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

    Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

    Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
    Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

    Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

    Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

    Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

    Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

    Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

    Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

    Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

    Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

    Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

    Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

    Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

    Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

    Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."

    Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

    Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
    At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."

    Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)"

    On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

    Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

    Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!"

    Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."

    Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

    Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did "

    An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."

    An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."

    Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."

    On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"

    A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"

    Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."