For your amusement....

Discussion in 'Films, Music and All Things Artsy' started by Jacko1981, Aug 19, 2010.

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  1. Blackadder quotes:



    Blackadder: "Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.


    Blackadder: You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.


    George: I'm thick. I'm as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.


    Blackadder: Let all men who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow.


    George: I'm absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.


    Blackadder (to Percy): You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.


    Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.


    Blackadder: We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.


    Blackadder to George: Somewhere outside Saffron Walden there's an uncle who is seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as if he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.


    Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party, I found you face down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.


    Baldrick: Well, Mr Blackadder always says, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.


    Blackadder: Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner.


    Nursie: Ointment. That's what you need when your head's been cut off. That's what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. 'There, there,' I said. 'You'll soon grow an new one.'


    Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?


    Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
    Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.


    Blackadder: The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume.


    Blackadder: Oh, God, God, God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.


    Blackadder (to Baldrick): If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.


    Ambassador: I hate you English. With your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois.


    Blackadder: Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority.


    Melchett: If you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.


    Red Baron: How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.


    Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd.


    George: Now I've got my lovely fire I'm happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers.


    Blackadder: Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.


    Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
    Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.


    Blackadder (on actors): You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, stuck on silly hats and trusted to luck.


    Blackadder: Run away from the hills! If you see hills, run the other way!


    Blackadder: Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.


    Blackadder: I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.


    Blackadder: I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.


    Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
     
  2. Blackadder: 'Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests there are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.'


    Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?


    Blackadder: (to Baldrick) You are last in God's great chain. Unless there's an earwig around here you'd like to victimise.


    Blackadder: Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.


    Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
    Baldrick: Thank you, Mr B.
    Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, 'Sod off and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.'


    Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.


    Blackadder: I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs……. in a bag.


    Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet, Ploppy, you are, without a doubt, the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.


    "Baldrick, your brain is like the four headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen"
    "In what way? "
    "It doesn't exist "


    "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
    "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
    "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrifying people with their close harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the
    placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."


    Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'


    I fear the words "I have a cunning plan" are rapidly marching towards this conversation with ill-deserved confidence.


    "I want my mom."
    "Ah, yes Baldrick. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."


    "Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see."
    "Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation."


    "I don't take kindly to insults"
    "Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."


    As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday...did you enjoy it?


    "You'd never dare. Why, 'round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed! "
    "So, some sort of hat is probably in order "


    The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce ?


    Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin, The Happy Pig!"


    "Oh, that's another good idea. You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off."
    "Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? Your foot falls off?"
    "It certainly does. My brother; he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off..."


    "One civil war in the entire history of England and I'm on the wrong bloody side!"


    "He's got so many warts on his face it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose."


    You see, the ancient Greeks, Sir, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it "Pandora's Box," when, of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers."
    We are told that, when the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness because of Pandora's fatal curiousity. I charge you now, Baldrick: for the good of all mankind, never allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers. Nothing of interest lies therein.


    No he won't, Baldrick. Either I think up an idea, or, tomorrow, we die -- which, Baldrick, I have to tell you, I have no intention of doing, because I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending that I'm deaf.


    "Tell me about these oppressed masses. What's got them so worked up ?"
    "They're upset, sir, because they are so poor that they are forced to have children merely to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas."


    He's mad. He's mad. He's madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.


    My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.


    Very well, I accept. A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on.


    "Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?"
    "...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes."


    Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin...


    "That's the spirit, George. If nothing else works, then a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through."


    "In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans."
    "You look surprised, Blackadder."
    "I cerainly am, sir. I didn't realise we _had_ any battle plans."


    "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
    "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."


    "I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."
     
  3. Flasheart Quotes:

    I've got a plan and it's as hot as my pants! (Blackadder 2)

    Where haven't I been? (Blackadder 2)

    Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last time I heard, he was worshipping me! (Blackadder 2)

    I like it firm and fruity. (Blackadder 2)

    She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. (Blackadder 2)

    WOOF WOOF! (Blackadder 4)

    Treat your kite like you treat your woman... Get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back. (Blackadder 4)

    Well, well, well, if it isn't captain slackbladder. Couldn't resist, eh? Told you you thought I was great! (Blackadder 4)

    Hey! Any girl who wants to chain herself to may railing and suffer a jet movement gets my vote! (Blackadder 4)

    That's how I like my girls...straight and to my point. (Blackadder 4)

    Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn't like them on my conscience. Not when they ought to be on my face! (Blackadder 4)

    Enter the man who wears no underwear, ask me why! (why do wear no underwear lord flash?) Because the pants havn't been built yet that can take the job on! (Blackadder 4)

    Bring me Melchett's driver Parkhurst, she's used to hanging around with a big knob, so she'll be used to a fellow like me! (Blackadder 4)

    Gosh potatoes George, you said noble brother fliers were in the lurch. If I'd have known it was captain slack bladder and the mound of the hound of the baskervilles, I'd have let them stew in their own juice. And let mw tell you if I ever did that, I'd probably drown! (Blackadder 4)

    Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it. (Blackadder 4)

    Hey girls, look at my machinery! (Blackadder 4)
     
  4. Queenie: If we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would have been in prison all her life.

    Blackadder: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

    George: My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.

    Blackadder (on the Royal Flying Corps): I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on...

    George: Well tally ho! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz!

    Nursie: If you weren't quite so big, it would be time for Mr and Mrs Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottieland.

    Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

    Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"

    Blackadder: Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.
    Baldrick: Is it as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?
    Blackadder: Yes, it is.
    Baldrick: Mm... That's cunning!