Blackadder quotes: Blackadder: "Something is always wrong, Balders. The fact that I am not a millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle. Blackadder: You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'. George: I'm thick. I'm as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens. Blackadder: Let all men who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow. George: I'm absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo. Blackadder (to Percy): You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils. Blackadder: We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod. Blackadder to George: Somewhere outside Saffron Walden there's an uncle who is seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as if he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock. Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party, I found you face down in a puddle wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins. Baldrick: Well, Mr Blackadder always says, when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table. Blackadder: Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner. Nursie: Ointment. That's what you need when your head's been cut off. That's what I gave your sister Mary when they done her. 'There, there,' I said. 'You'll soon grow an new one.' Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat? Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder. Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion. Blackadder: The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume. Blackadder: Oh, God, God, God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. Blackadder (to Baldrick): If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party. Ambassador: I hate you English. With your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper and your ridiculous preconceptions that Frenchmen are great lovers. I'm French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petits pois. Blackadder: Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority. Melchett: If you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room. Red Baron: How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture. Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd. George: Now I've got my lovely fire I'm happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers. Blackadder: Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George? You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer. Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is? Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron. Blackadder (on actors): You mean they actually rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, stuck on silly hats and trusted to luck. Blackadder: Run away from the hills! If you see hills, run the other way! Blackadder: Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear. Blackadder: I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. Blackadder: I know from long experience all my men have the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag. Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.