For Tommy Cooper Fans

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Jokes' started by rationpack, Aug 10, 2011.

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  1. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

    I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

    It was a turtle disaster.
    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'

    I said, 'No, permanent.'
    Next I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'

    I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
    I bought some Armageddon cheese, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
    I went into Harvey Norman and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.?'

    The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'So where is he then?'
    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
    I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

    I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
    I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
    The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?

    I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
    I was out in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'

    He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

    He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'

    I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
    I heard about this cowboy who walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.. I was so shocked I swerved the car.. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'

    I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

    He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
    I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I rent Batman Forever?'

    He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
    At lunchtime the waiter asked , 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' I said 'But I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'

    'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
    After all that I went to the pharmacy for some deo.

    The girl asked "Stick or ball?" I said "No.......underarm thanks"
    • Like Like x 3
  2. walkyrie

    walkyrie Old-Salt Book Reviewer

    Cheers RP - that's helped me ease into the day ahead...
  3. Loved them.
    Had me in hysterics for most of the morning
  4. Excellent, thank you Sir.
  5. Too much happiness here so I'll piss on your parade. These are more Tim Vine than Tommy Cooper tbf.

    Still liked them though so don't beat me it's just that I get a bit tetchy in the mornings.
  6. As per BS. Mostly Tim Vine. Very underated very plagiarised comic. See him live for best effect.
  7. Ah well, look on the bright side; you can only get cheered up then (insert thumbs-up).
  8. Ravers

    Ravers LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    I went to a B&B the other night and rang the doorbell. The landlady opened the upstairs window and shouted down ''what do you want?''

    I said ''I want to stay here.''

    So she says ''well stay there then'' and closes the window.
  9. Nicely, Nicely
  10. After all that I went to the pharmacy for some deo.

    The girl asked "Stick or ball?" I said "No.......underarm thanks"
    the original of this one was ao the Kenny Everett show..... in a Swedish accent... ..... man in shop"i want to buy some deoderant"
    " Certainly Sir , ball or aerosol?"
    "neither , its for under my arms"

    not a critisism just realy needs to be told this way for full effect

    the TV and TC one liners always hit the right spot though!!!!
  11. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Actually, it was Not The Nine O'Clock News. Gruff Rhys-Jones and Mel Smith.
  12. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    Funny. I thought it was The Two Ronnies. Possibly the same episode as Larn Yersel Swedish or whatever it was called in which the sketch went something like:

    (Man at restaurant table) F U N E M N X?

    (Waiter taking order) V F N N E M N X. O S I C V F M N X

    ... and so on.
  13. AAGF


    Two Ronnies classic sketches are on YouTube - all-time favourite of theirs - "Got any 'ose?" ...

    For Tommy Cooper fans - The Hats - one of his best and still cracks me up ...

    Tommy Cooper - The "Hats" Sketch - YouTube
    • Like Like x 1
  14. you sir are absolutely correct... even they had it as "great old chestnuts of the world"(you tube) so guessing it was old when they did it too
    but then again I am old and forgetful, looking on the bright side of things....I'll soon be making new friends every day in the home