For the Aussies

Discussion in 'Multinational HQ' started by Scarlett, Jan 24, 2005.

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  1. Something to offend everyone!

    We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
    ******. We come from many lands and although we live in the best country
    in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we
    bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

    First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
    lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand
    final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
    marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think.
    The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
    books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
    more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its
    mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to
    keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
    that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
    chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
    faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
    Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
    foreigners, paedophile rings and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of
    innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults
    and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide(also named after a queen).
    They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the
    Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australiais too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim
    to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the
    men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last
    state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the
    government and business.

    The Northern Territoryis the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
    sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and
    dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
    anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
    content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our
    national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it
    on our way to Bali.

    And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
    document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that
    God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the
    next. Why he filled it with ********* remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
    and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
    lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy
    when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better
    than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political
    party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still
    not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave
    that to our Pommy immigrants.

    We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
    mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so
    what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love
    sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race
    and still tell us who's winning.

    And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
    cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and
    horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the
    worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a
    pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in
    Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras
    but chain the pens to the desk.

    Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
    pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded,
    sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    I am, you are, we are Australian!

    P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
    Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

    HAPPY AUSTRALIADAY - January 26, 2005
  2. *tear*

    Beautiful that was, now I'm off for pies, beer and some racial biggotry!
  3. *Sob*

    Time for a Coat of arms sandwich :D :D