Food poisoning

G

goatrutar

Guest
#1
I've been food poisoned 3 times in the last 10 or so years. Every time though, the offending meal has been fucking tasty.

Most recent was a very nice beef vindaloo which had me shitting the bed and then driving the porcelain bus in the wee hours.

The time before that was a chicken roll with garlic sauce which looked rather green in hindsight. That just gave me the hyper velocity shits.

Time before was a simply ham,cheese and tomato sandwich from a takeaway. Again, very tasty but on reflection I should've taken more notice of the flies that the morbidly obese Tongan cook was shooing away.

Why is it that festering disease ridden food is so fucking yummy?


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#4
The only times I have had proper food poisoning were all after eating local food in either Iraq or Afghanistan after not being able to say "Fuck off Colonel, I'm not eating that shitl!" Every single bit of it was fucking gopping, barring the cans of Mirinda which were actually nicer than Fanta.
 
#5
Not really food poisoning, more self inflicted, but here goes.
Went to a party at the local rugby club and Guiness was on special offer, 2 quid a pint, not a fan of the black stuff, but at 2 quid I was willing to try. Anyway, after 6 hours of solid Guiness drinking, I somehow ended up at home, and extremely hungry. All I could find to munch on whilst catching the last 20 mins of 'Cops With Cameras' or some such, was a packet of Waitrose Dried Prunes and Apricots.
You can guess the rest, went to bed, passed out, and by 7am the bed looked like someone had thrown a drum of OMD80 over it.
 

DieHard

LE
Book Reviewer
#6
You whimps, if you had food my mrs does you would have food poisoning each week.


Sent by Crapatalk. Sitting on my bog having a dump.
 
#7
The last McDonalds I ever ate gave me Campylobacter, 14 days of pissing out my arse is not an experience I wish to re visit.
Lightweight!

Those lovely sloppies in Soest gave me para typhoid, that's a posh name for Salmonella poisoning, best diet I ever went on, 10 kilos in as many days. Pity I couldn't walk afterwards.

My arse looked like Michael Barrymore's plughole.
 
#8
Most forms of food poisoning are acquired through the transfer of foecal matter into improperly handled and cooked food.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to just 'cut out the middle man' and eat shit for the full gastronomic experience.
 
#10
With currys it's usually the rice. Pre-cooked in the morning and left out in the hot kitchen all day, reheated (which does nothing to make it safe) and voila, bum-wee for you a few hours later if you're lucky.
 

DieHard

LE
Book Reviewer
#14
I took my mrs on a romantic break to stratford upon avon a few years ago and arranged to meet her best mate and husband there too. The first day was great and the evening even better, the next day we went around town and had a pub lunch i had a chicken sandwich with a pint of hoergarden weiss beir, lovely, for the evening meal it was garlic mussels and steak.
I never made it to desert, i went to the bog and shat myself unconscious my mate got me cleaned up and back to my room, thats when the vomiting started, uncotrolable. The Hotel called a doctor who gave me a metroclopromide injection, it did not work. My mrs had to explain to a wedding party why i was puking in the bushes outside the hotel. saying i was not drunk.
She drove me home stopping every few miles so i could puke, in fact we went past our house
straight to the hospital, where i stayed for the next 48 hrs. We still dont know if it was the beer, chicken or mussels, the doc says food poisoning from mussels can work very quick.

When I was single I used to buy a bargain bucket from unlucky fried chicken and keep it in the fridge forward week, just taking out a couple of pieces atdpw few days. I only got the craps a few times before I thought it was not a good idea.

Sent by Crapatalk. Sitting on my bog having a dump.
 
#15
Some bastards I was doing a job for got me a pasty from the baker's up the street..... it was from the hot cabinet, I've never eaten anything from one of those things since.


Apart from spewing and shitting, I couldn't go to bed all night, had to stay awake because the nightmares and hallucinations were so intense.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#16
Puffs.

Cholera. Cholera is the dogs bollocks. You start off feeling a tad ill. So you go to bed. Next thing you know you are shooting black stinking diarrhea out of your gob and your arse and you spasm.

Then you get delirious and start to see Jesus in the splatter patterns on the wall. All the while locals are running about the place trying to help but you are too sick and weak to fend them off.

Then you die. Or not. Cholera. I fucking shit it.
 
#17
The last time I ate oysters (at the East India Club if you want to know where to avoid oysters in London) the entire meal went through my system at about the same speed a one Euro coin passes through a UK vending machine.

I hadn't even pulled out of Paddington station when a grumble morphed instantaneously into a pungeant Grimsby-smelling fart, followed by the warmest goo sliding unopposed by my now yawning anus.

Yep, oysters can fúck off.
 
#18
This is the NAAFI so why I'm being sio grown up and informative, lawd only knows.

Your senses are a great indicator as to what the state of food is.
If it looked/smelt/tasted gopping you wouldn't eat it (well mostly). Now bacteria is a cunning fellow, so cunning in fact .............(enter your own BlackAdder quote here), that it lives to reproduce. If it wasn't eaten it would be binned, thus would end its reign of terror. You, having eaten it, are now a reproduction factory. Ready top pass it on so it can go about its dirty work.

Its just like the recent Noro virus outbreak. The virus could easily mutate to kill, but that would put an end to its chances of world domination. Most viral outbreaks arn't fatal, because that would be counter-productive.

Fuck, did I just write all that old tosh?
 
#19
This is the NAAFI so why I'm being sio grown up and informative, lawd only knows.

Your senses are a great indicator as to what the state of food is.
If it looked/smelt/tasted gopping you wouldn't eat it (well mostly). Now bacteria is a cunning fellow, so cunning in fact .............(enter your own BlackAdder quote here), that it lives to reproduce. If it wasn't eaten it would be binned, thus would end its reign of terror. You, having eaten it, are now a reproduction factory. Ready top pass it on so it can go about its dirty work.

Its just like the recent Noro virus outbreak. The virus could easily mutate to kill, but that would put an end to its chances of world domination. Most viral outbreaks arn't fatal, because that would be counter-productive.

Fuck, did I just write all that old tosh?
You need to balance that comment with one about you accidentally shitting in an occupied pram.
 
#20
This is the NAAFI so why I'm being sio grown up and informative, lawd only knows.

Your senses are a great indicator as to what the state of food is.
If it looked/smelt/tasted gopping you wouldn't eat it (well mostly). Now bacteria is a cunning fellow, so cunning in fact .............(enter your own BlackAdder quote here), that it lives to reproduce. If it wasn't eaten it would be binned, thus would end its reign of terror. You, having eaten it, are now a reproduction factory. Ready top pass it on so it can go about its dirty work.

Its just like the recent Noro virus outbreak. The virus could easily mutate to kill, but that would put an end to its chances of world domination. Most viral outbreaks arn't fatal, because that would be counter-productive.

Fuck, did I just write all that old tosh?
People who live on council estates look/smell and (as far as I know) taste gopping.... but they reproduce.
 

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