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I was watching T.V last night and an advert came on featuring an African baby all covered in flies! I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one! Looks like it works far better than those sticky strips that i usually hang from the ceiling
I was at a presentation about kids dying in Africa, presenter stood on stage and started to slowly clap his hands.

Clap, 1,2,3 Clap 1,2,3 Clap 1,2,3 - Then he said "Everytime I clap my hand another child dies in Africa"

Someone shouted "Stop clapping you fcukin' hands then"

Coat, Car keys, Jacket, I'm off!
Lets have a big round of applause for that joke..
During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A sit.
Actually it's a walk.

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A full stop or a sit.

Actually it's a walk.

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A full stop or a sit.

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back ?
A stick.

What do you cal a dog with no ears ?
Anything you like, he wont hear you !!!!

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
Ive got no i dear !!!! (think about it)

Where would you find a dog with no legs ?
Same place you left it

What goes black white black white black white bonk ?
A nun falling downstairs

Did you hear about the woman who sat on a bed of glue ?
Disaster (dis arsed her)!!!!
What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence ?
Time to get a new fence

Why do firemen wear red braces ?
to keep their trousers up

How do you circumsize a whale ?
send down four skin divers !!!!!
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