Flatmates -How to get my own back?

#1
I live in a flat with 5 other people (4 girls, 2 blokes including myself) and the cnuts keep stealing my food. These are University dorms so as of 3 months ago I didn't know these people, and I’m wishing it went back to that way.
We have a communal fridge and our own (un)private cupboard that doesn't lock.
In the last three weeks I’ve had:

1 tin of beans taken
Roughly 50% of my cheese disappearing
Potatoes gone missing
Pasta stolen
Again about 50% of my fruit juice taken
Lettuce/other vegetable stuff nicked

I realise if we look at this from a purely holistic approach it doesn't mean a lot because it's only farking beans. But it's pissing me off.
The other day when said potatoes, beans and cheese went missing I confronted everyone about it. I asked everyone in the flat who it was taking my food.
No one owned up.
I am now led to believe its Captain Hook with his best friends forever mate the spaghetti monster.
So I am stuck in a flat with people nicking my food and no one to blame. Unfortunately this means I can't throw my toys out the pram at one individual and disturbingly shows they're lying cnuts.

I hate them.

I look towards arrse and its great knowledge to stop this problem through it's experience and wisdom. I want investigate who did it, prevent it from happening again and punish those who are no more than thieving, greasy, student whops.

Edd

P.S. I realise the subject of how fit my flatmates are will come up, unfortunately they’re all mongs. Only one is passable but she's a pain in the arrse and has a twiggy boyfriend who I want to flatten.
 
#2
It's a fact of life whilst at uni, I'm afraid.

Anyway surely if you're a fresher you have better things to be doing, other than bemoaning on ARRSE that somebodies nicked a tin of beans and a few spuds?
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
#3
keep all dry foods/tins in your room and buy perishable stuff to be consumed there and then. and crack one off in the fruit juice.
 
#4
lace a slab of cheese with your cok splodge and pop it in the fridge, when it goes missing you can sit back with a smile on your face.
 
#5
Just tell them that certain of your items will be 'skiffed' and 'cummed' only you will know which ones...they can then take a chance...but set the ball rolling by doing almost all the food this week(get good stuff to bait the trap) and tell them after it goes missing...watch the faces..... :wink: In fact the'll be so disgusted they'll let you get your own fridge...padlock....job done
 
#6
why not just nick there food and see who complains about it,then ?

Go to B&Q and get yourself a lock for your cupboard ,make a habbit of spitting on your leftovers in full view of your flatmates so they know not to pinch it !


Or go on a rampage with an automatic weapon !
 
#8
If ive got bugger all milk i'll save enough for a brew the next day,and then it gets nicked. So i have to walk to the shop before i have my morning cup of tea. These are hard times were living in.
 
#9
W4nk into a tin of beans and leave it in the fridge for the fu ckers. Collect dead wasps, spiders and other insects, then cover them in melted Ex-Lax and leave in a Revels bag for them to eat.
 
#10
Buy what you need each day or alternatively booby trap your food - lace it with something vile and very very hot - preferably something that will burn on its way out as much as its burns on its way in.


Pee in an apple juice carton, label it as yours then see if they do it again



Get your own little fridge. Then, start putting something nasty regularly in the communal fridge like really gone off fish or things with mould growing on it, that will put them off even opening the fridge to see what they might rob.
 
#11
Write your name on the fridge claim it as yours buy empty all the other food out which is not yours buy a hasp and staple and a nice padlock. That way only you have access :D
 
#12
Easy, put a load of super strong laxatives in some of the food and watch out for who winds up living in the TURDIS

Alternatively, find the other males wanksocks and harvest the messy load, mask up your face and give all the girls the good news with a hand over their mouths to still the screaming, then ditch the contents of the socks all over them.

Jobs a good'un. the wenches will be traumatised and the blokes will be locked up as sexpests.
 
#15
BlueDanubeWalt said:
Just tell them that certain of your items will be 'skiffed' and 'cummed' only you will know which ones...they can then take a chance...but set the ball rolling by doing almost all the food this week(get good stuff to bait the trap) and tell them after it goes missing...watch the faces..... :wink: In fact the'll be so disgusted they'll let you get your own fridge...padlock....job done
This method works, I promise, I've been there. And the best bit is they won't ask you to live with them next year.
 
#16
Send them Sexually Transmitted Disease contact sheets telling them you have knocked one out in the fruit juice and have Syphilis, she who screams loudest is your girl. As for the burds not being fit have you never had drunk food anger sex, its like a sympathy shag but you kick in her back door and check your knob for bean residue happy hunting :hump: .
 
#18
In my halls all the guys/girls in my kitchen are realy nice and dont steal my food.

However many people i know do have this problem. What they did (aswell as the posts above, revenge is a dish best served with bodily fluids) was to keep tins etc in there rooms and have a small fridge in there for for all the rest.
 
#20
Whilst one of them is out, invite a tramp round to doss down in their bed.

Sign them up for all sorts of mail order and internet stuff. Pretend to be their friend with lots of "mmmm yes" and "oh i totally understand" when they come crying to you. All the time you're gaining more info on their bank account details, ready to clean them out.

Sh1t in their shoes.

You get the picture. I'm sure you'll think of something.
 
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