Fizzy Bum gravy is there a cure?

Discussion in 'Health and Fitness' started by ugly, Sep 28, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Now the answers I expect will get shoved into the Naafi but having had serious grim gut cramps since Monday and every time I eat (about once a day) I pish out of my rusty bayonet wound. What can be done without resource to medication. I know about cornflour, wont stop it but thikens it up a bit and I used lomitoll (SP) back when I was in. so answers please on loo roll as at least if its 8 ply it will be of use!
  2. Each many bananas, jacket spuds and egg/cheese. This will solidify your poop and permit more bearable emanations. Avoid fruit and dairy because they will merely accelerate the pooping whilst breaking up the unit!

    Good luck, be careful in there and take plenty of wet-wipes...god speed!
  3. Ermmmmm????

    Have you tried a ration pack??

    Diarolyte will stop you getting dehydrated so Id get some of that i I were you, especially it has been going on for that long.
  4. Do they float? Mine are like fluffy brown clouds at the moment. A beauty to behold.

    Been like that for two weeks though since a beer and take-away fuelled weekend. Don't suppose that the curry has been helping. Oh and coffee is evil as well.

    You want weetabix and fibre son, that will bulk you right back out.
  5. Bomb it with Cipro from your nearest friendly medic

    Then see your GP because you obviously have hoop cancer

    once you have to re insert your prolapsed rickta with a finger you're in trouble

    swap roles with your partner, I'm sure he'll be betty for a while

    **** tampons any one
  6. Hmm, I had 2 bananas yesterday before I went for a run. The result was that I ran very well for longer than usual. But after an hour I got a few stomach cramps and the Brown Light started flashing. Holding it all in was like trying to grip sand and caused me a lot of anxiety.

    When I managed to mince home and get myself on the throne, the ensuing detonation was like an upside down mushroom cloud of brown anger!!!

    Not sure theres any relevance to the thread there but I just fancied sharing that with people.
  7. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    I have diaoralite but 50% ordinary coke with 50% water left to go flat has the same effect and tastes less like sh1te. I'll try a water porrige in the am and maybe a hard boiled egg as they are supposed to bung you up. Its not som much the cramps but the bovril/oxtail soup sprays run in 3 trips at a time and by the third one I cant walk, stand breathe etc! Only an ******** could cause so much pain! If I havent sorted it by saturday am I'm off to the quacks. trouble is anti biotics gve me the squirts!
  8. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    Try Kaolin and Morphin if you can still get it. Tastes awful but does the job.
    And cut out meat for the moment!!

    If its still going on Saturday try to see a doctor.
  9. Be thankful for the gut cramps, at least you know when it's coming.

    When the cramps stop - worry!
  10. Boiled Rice!
  11. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

  12. I know this may sound like a lost cause, ugly, but try taking protein powder (say 50 or more grammes per day) for a couple of days and see if that doesn't do the trick.

  13. Oh yes. Am in Afghanistan at the moment and regularly get the raging ab-dabs from the rather unsanitary conditions in some of the locations I travel to and I have found that plain boiled rice works every time. Make sure that you keep well hydrated though (water or Diaoralite will do).
  14. ugly

    ugly LE Moderator

    Pretty much right, I give the pups rice and broth to wean them as it prevents the sh1ts that they would get even transferring to puppy food from mums milk. I'll boil some and let it cool for later. At least I can have time off work, watch DVDs of Zulu and prep my brass for reloading all within 10 foot of the khazi!
    Thanks for all your help folks, I'll track down the quack on saturday am if I cant kick it in the next 24 hrs!
  15. drink plenty of water.