Fish killing

I've got two goldfish (well the nipper has) and they are a pair of minging cnuts, sh1tting all over the place and eating flakey smelly food that makes your fingers stink.

I throw their fate at the feet of the NAAFI bar. I am open for suggestions, but I won't be cleaning them out again so the clock is ticking

I will tell the little one they aren't fish just carrots with eyes painted on them and hurt her to take her mind off losing them.

Your call, photos to follow if we can come up with a winner
Rent the DVD of 'Finding Nemo', watch with the nipper, realise that said goldfish must be missing their families & how cruel to keep in bowl. Release said goldfish back into the wild via flushing mechanism. Claim to have heard one saying thank you in septic accent.

Crack tinny & relax. Job done. And you're a conservationist with a heart of gold. Win-win situation.


Two words.

Tempura batter.

Fry them up as crispy little snacks for her, gives her a meal and teaches her about relative positions in the food chain.

(Sorry, I forgot. As a Northener it should be beer batter and served with mushy peas or gravy)
Descaling with tweezers followed by a short swim in the kettle. If they've not had enough by the end of that cut the end of their tails off millimetre by millimetre and see how long they can keep swimming for.

Alternatively through them out an upstairs window into a bucket. Test your accuracy.
pour a thin film of cooking oil in. The oil will float on the surface blocking any air/water contact. Then proceed to watch the little feckers die a long slow death of asphyxiation. Nipper will think they've just died of natural causes.............everyone's a winner.
A pal of mine left his goldfish in my care whislt he went on RnR from NI in the early nineties....

I got a copy of his leave pass, stapled the fish to the inside of a bluey and posted it to him.

He didn't see the funny side, nor did his parents who got a mashed up smelly envelope dropped on their hallway carpet
I do know that the introduction of half a cheese burger and the remains of a friedrice take away to the tank is inveriably fatal to goldfish.

Don't ask why just take it on faith, or try it your self.


Book Reviewer
Take some sticky rice, wasabi, and the fish - Japanese haute cuisine or sushi - your choice.
Glue thier tails together with super glue and see them try and get away from each other. Tied 2 cats together like this as a kid it really is fun to watch and should become staple saturday night television for the masses.
When I was younger I used to go fishing off the jetties to catch the small whiting and pollack that used to eat the raw sewage flowing from the effluent pipes...............(I'm turgid just thinking of that).......anyway, to brighten up an otherwise boring hobby I'd ram a small banger -Little Devils they were called, 10 for 50p from Aslam the Paki, down their mouths.
I'd then light it and throw them back in the water. The good thing about the 'lil devils is they don't go out once lit so the fish would swim away thinking he'd been freed albeit he was deep throating a pyrotechnic and suddenly explode like a scene from "Scanners"

If trying this at home ensure "Big Davey Wellbeck" the Harbours Authority security guard isn't watching or he'll put his size 11 pit boot up your arrse while twisting your ear, wafting Old Holburn breath in your face and shouting "Ya sick little cnut. Ah naa where ya live an aa'll pull ya intestines oot ya fcuking arsehole"


Book Reviewer
For a 'spectacular' you could try blowing them to pieces.

Find one unused thundy, bring said blob-nosed daughter to the tank and ask her if she knew that fish could fly.

Don't forget H&S though, so ballistic eye-shields must be worn. Mind you, as she's having a nasal period anyway, shouldn't make much difference.


Book Reviewer
Try this

and slip the result in your Mother in Laws soup. The thing is a marvel for shifting constipation too.
You could try just taking them to a pet shop or releasing them in a pond somewhere and tell the dustbin lids that a Heron had them after Mum left the window open.
intothesilk2 said:
You could try just taking them to a pet shop or releasing them in a pond somewhere and tell the dustbin lids that a Heron had them after Mum left the window open.
I want to hurt them, not write poetry about them you big wet puff.

Bring the heron to me and I'll knack that long necked squawking fcuk while I'm at it.
Shove em up her bloody little schnoz... that'll give her something to whinge about.
As a kid we had a pond in the quadrangle at school with a plank running down the middle so you could walk across it. At break time I'd bin off tiggy on high in favour off sitting on the plank catching tadpoles. I'd line up four or five then drop stones on them.

Thinking back it maybe wasn't the best thing to do........... i should have made it more personal and squished each one with my thumb.

But that has nothing to do with MDNs fish.......... he's all and wind anyway....... i DARE him to post pictures of the goldfish's departured.......... followed by one of his nippers reaction..........i'm damp.

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