First Shag of 08

#1
Good evening chaps,

I’ve been abusing myself to the extreme for far too long so I thought it was about time I got some red meat before my todger burns up from all the friction. By the grace of God I was able to pull a rather charming young lady at the weekend, a fine brunette & the only one in the bar wearing a skirt! I think she takes it in the arrse too because at one point in the night she approached me, ran her fingers down my chest & said something about trying anything once! :lol:


Now it must be one of the greatest tragedies known to man, that in my young life I have not yet had the pleasure of penetrating a young lady in that most delicate of places. Ergo, I feel obliged to ask for advice when the great moment comes & what better place to ask for it than on a forum named after the very subject?


I did have an opportunity during my last shag with a rather chubby type, she actually agreed to do it, but I feared for my own safety of being sucked into the gaping abyss & decided to abort the operation due to health & safety reasons. :oops: I have regretted it ever since!


There are a number of things that worry me about this particular act, how exactly do I talk her into it in the first place? Do I simply close my eyes, think of England & shove it in there? Or do I ask her in a polite & genteel manner if she’d like to partake in any sexual acts banned by the Old Testament? Also, if I decide to go forth without any protection, which I may do as I am a daring type, where exactly does the white glory go? Surely it must come back out at some point?


I have a reoccurring nightmare, when I was seeing my first girlfriend as a young nipper, I managed to spend a night in her bed, a young, feisty, thing of 17, tight as a Chinese granny knot. I remember lying beside her in the middle of the night, all was silence & she was fast asleep. Then suddenly she let one rip & the resulting explosion managed to echo around the room at least 7 times before fading out. 8O Now imagine if a girly did that after stuffing it in her doodlewotsit? I’d end up looking like the Michelin Man! :roll: If she were awake it would be even worse! I can imagine after the moment is finished, we’ll be lying there cuddling each other as the throes of passion recede & then she’ll fart a load of white gunk all over my chest. What exactly should I say when she starts squirting it back out? I don’t think there are any smooth lines for such a dramatic moment. Should I merely smile & remark “Oh my!”? :?


I’ve arranged to meet the girly I met last weekend at my pad & intend on doing the dirty then, if I can.


I would be most exceedingly obliged if you could offer me any of your invaluable advice, gentlemen.


Yours anxiously.

~D.C.
 
#2
Lube. Lots and lots of lube.

And patience. Unless you want her to get hurt (which you may), you need to work the problem area with a digit or two for a little while before introducing your representative.

Then get her to back onto you, rather than the other way around. You never know, she might even enjoy it.

Not that that's important.
 
#6
D_C, despite all your speculation on this subject, it's patently obvious that you've conducted no research whatsover.

The traditional 'happy ending' involves ATM, thus ensuring that any gaseous emissions from your partner will be splatter-free.

Regards
T_T
 
#8
Get her doggy style, tawt her head off the headboard and whilst stunned throw the fella in there.Expect some protestations but counter with more tawts off the headboard.if you want to be adventurous tell her your missus likes it up the arrse as well and see how long you can ride rodeo :lol:
 
#9
nodandawink said:
T_T - he may be more of a post-coital creampie rim-merchant.

Not that I've ever seen anything like that, of course.
I'm not sure I understand sir, perhaps I should check the FTSE100 Index for creampie businesses??
 
#11
nodandawink said:
T_T - he may be more of a post-coital creampie rim-merchant.

Not that I've ever seen anything like that, of course.
You may be correct

Dashing_Chap said:
we’ll be lying there cuddling each other as the throes of passion recede & then she’ll fart a load of white gunk all over my chest
If not, he's planning on cuddling her in a rather bizarre fasion.
 
#13
If I can find my NBCD mask, better safe than sorry, maybe they could get a stinky bint & have this sort of thing as the new gas test?
 
#14
Tartan_Terrier said:
nodandawink said:
T_T - he may be more of a post-coital creampie rim-merchant.

Not that I've ever seen anything like that, of course.
You may be correct

Dashing_Chap said:
we’ll be lying there cuddling each other as the throes of passion recede & then she’ll fart a load of white gunk all over my chest
If not, he's planning on cuddling her in a rather bizarre fasion.
She'd have a job cuddling me in the fcukin pub :p while she's still in bed moaning about ringsting :lol:
 
#15
By the way, someone mentioned lube, is there any way I can improvise for that? I don't think snorting a greenie on her stinker would endear her to me. :crazy: I’m too shy to walk into Boots & buy vast quantities of K.Y. I’d probably get a strange reputation too! Maybe I could pop into Asda & buy a few bottles of Olive Oil? She may end up smelling like a fish pan, but if it’s a Friday night it won’t matter too much anyway. :lol:
 
#17
Dashing_Chap said:
Now it must be one of the greatest tragedies known to man, that in my young life I have not yet had the pleasure of penetrating a young lady in that most delicate of places.
You great big over educated for your ability poof!

Tell me this is a wah, god, tell me this is a wah!

(You obviously didn't go to a decent school or you would be well versed in all things bu99ery by the age of 12!)
 
#18
improvisational lubricant - on a slightly serious note - avoid anything oil based if using a raincoat... and use a raincoat.

otherwise, pretty much anything will do. WD40 probably gives the wrong impression tho'
 
#19
Airfix said:
Dashing_Chap said:
Now it must be one of the greatest tragedies known to man, that in my young life I have not yet had the pleasure of penetrating a young lady in that most delicate of places.
You great big over educated for your ability poof!

Tell me this is a wah, god, tell me this is a wah!

(You obviously didn't go to a decent school or you would be well versed in all things bu99ery by the age of 12!)


Ssssh, or our Debbie will hurt you.
 
#20
Or I will.

Stop trashing the thread and take it to PM.
 

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