Good evening chaps, Ive been abusing myself to the extreme for far too long so I thought it was about time I got some red meat before my todger burns up from all the friction. By the grace of God I was able to pull a rather charming young lady at the weekend, a fine brunette & the only one in the bar wearing a skirt! I think she takes it in the arrse too because at one point in the night she approached me, ran her fingers down my chest & said something about trying anything once! Now it must be one of the greatest tragedies known to man, that in my young life I have not yet had the pleasure of penetrating a young lady in that most delicate of places. Ergo, I feel obliged to ask for advice when the great moment comes & what better place to ask for it than on a forum named after the very subject? I did have an opportunity during my last shag with a rather chubby type, she actually agreed to do it, but I feared for my own safety of being sucked into the gaping abyss & decided to abort the operation due to health & safety reasons. I have regretted it ever since! There are a number of things that worry me about this particular act, how exactly do I talk her into it in the first place? Do I simply close my eyes, think of England & shove it in there? Or do I ask her in a polite & genteel manner if shed like to partake in any sexual acts banned by the Old Testament? Also, if I decide to go forth without any protection, which I may do as I am a daring type, where exactly does the white glory go? Surely it must come back out at some point? I have a reoccurring nightmare, when I was seeing my first girlfriend as a young nipper, I managed to spend a night in her bed, a young, feisty, thing of 17, tight as a Chinese granny knot. I remember lying beside her in the middle of the night, all was silence & she was fast asleep. Then suddenly she let one rip & the resulting explosion managed to echo around the room at least 7 times before fading out. Now imagine if a girly did that after stuffing it in her doodlewotsit? Id end up looking like the Michelin Man! If she were awake it would be even worse! I can imagine after the moment is finished, well be lying there cuddling each other as the throes of passion recede & then shell fart a load of white gunk all over my chest. What exactly should I say when she starts squirting it back out? I dont think there are any smooth lines for such a dramatic moment. Should I merely smile & remark Oh my!? Ive arranged to meet the girly I met last weekend at my pad & intend on doing the dirty then, if I can. I would be most exceedingly obliged if you could offer me any of your invaluable advice, gentlemen. Yours anxiously. ~D.C.