First date clangers

#1
Let's have them. What went horribly wrong?

Mine's not a date per se- the lads went out to a restaurant with a load of girls. I drank far too much and apparently salsa danced through the middle of said restaurant with some lass, before being thrown out of a bar and waking up 13 hours later with no memory and a very sore head.

Not the best story I'll admit.
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#3
Wait until you hear about Grey_Mafia's date with 3 Staffs (ex-arrser also known as Stokey, not the Regt)
 
#4
Going back about 15 years now I'd started seeing a lass from school, we met up in the local park at the swings (as you do at 15). I was sat there talking to her, idly swaying on one swing while she was sat on the one next to me, when I must have shifted my weight wrong on the seat because it spun right over and I kind of back flipped and fell flat on my fizzog with my legs tangled up in the swing chains! She was howling laughing while I went a shade of scarlet, it didn't really work out...
 
#5
Let's have them. What went horribly wrong?

Mine's not a date per se- the lads went out to a restaurant with a load of girls. I drank far too much and apparently salsa danced through the middle of said restaurant with some lass, before being thrown out of a bar and waking up 13 hours later with no memory and a very sore head.

Not the best story I'll admit.
Fekkin' amateur. I once shat myself on a first date - so badly that it was running out of the bottom of my trousers. For the grizzly details, use the search function to find my post containing "entamoeba histolytica".
 
#6
Fekkin' amateur. I once shat myself on a first date - so badly that it was running out of the bottom of my trousers. For the grizzly details, use the search function to find my post containing "entamoeba histolytica".
I like how you tried to save it with, "I'll show you my mess kit!"

Eyes on the prize, even with arse-spewing mayhem ongoing...
 
#7
Wait until you hear about Grey_Mafia's date with 3 Staffs (ex-arrser also known as Stokey, not the Regt)
FFS don't stir him up again!!!!
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
#9
FFS don't stir him up again!!!!
Go on, spill, fkin hilarious, who knows he might still be lurking seeing as the other two have been banned ^^
 
#10
Go on, spill, fkin hilarious, who knows he might still be lurking seeing as the other two have been banned ^^
Not a chance. You've seen the obsession he has with the bird who binned him three years ago?
 
#11
Chased a girl called Lesley Skinner back in the early 80's, her dad was a Major RCT trains. She eventually agreed to go out, took her for some scoff and a drink. On leaving the bar I noticed ink on the bar stool, a bic in my back pocket had leaked.Returned to meet her parents was happy to stand but they insisted I take a seat sat on a copy of the Telegraph perched on the edge of their Chesterfield. Didn't get a second date.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#12
Some hunt ball job and I have managed to get myself ratted with Lenny the Fucking Liability, drinking single malt with Carly chasers. Or maybe the other way round. And I'm cracking on to this tall blond in a little black dress giving it six nowt about "Come the fucking revolution, all up against the wall and gut shot. Fucking chinless blood sucking inbred worthless pervert child molesting parasite cunts (etc)".

And an old boy bools up and says "Are you all right darling?" And she says "Yes, I am fine" and he fucks off.

I ask "So what does your Dad do for a living then?" And she says "Well, he is still the Duke".

She ended up marrying some property developer reptile. Lasted 5 years. She runs a mud caked animal sanctuary thing up Rothbury way I hear. She had her chance. And she fucking blew it.
 
B

Boozy

Guest
#13
Once went on a blind date with what turned out to be a bloke off his face on something (I don't know what). Had what I can only describe as a huge bouffant hairstyle last seen somewhere in the darkest depths of the 80s. Would not shut up about smoking and kept trying to get me to go from the warm cosy bar to the cold pishing wet street in aberdeen so he could have one, tried to get me to take it up, told me I was boring for not being a smoker (great start lad, insult the woman) and kept babbling on incoherently about the randomest things. Worked nights in a hotel or something.

I was looking for an exit strategy from the moment he opened his gob - the layout of the pub meant I was pretty much penned in. I took my drink to the bogs with me so it wouldn't get spiked and when I came back he'd bought me a new one. I wasn't touching that with a 40ft barge pole! By this stage he was babbling so weirdly that I just picked up my bag and legged it as fast as I could - he tried to run after me but I was out of there like a rocket and in a taxi shouting "drive drive drive!" like in a film haha.

Never a fucking gain will I go on a blind date! Jaysus
 
#14
Oh dear f**king god.

Since becoming single following my divorce a few years back I have been dating on and off. The records of my dates read like the sort of thing Tucker Max would reject from his books as being too unrealistic to be believed. I have written most of them down - alot of them are epic in some sort of way, some because of the level of disaster involved, some because, well, they were just epic (the stripper threesome springs to mind).

Okay - one of the worst was a result of internet dating. I generally steer clear of it these days, mostly due to this incident. However I met a lass online and she seemed fairly normal. Her picture was okay - no real looker but pretty good. We agreed that I would come over, pick her up and then off to a pub to see if we click.
When I get to hers', the door is opened by a short, cute and delicous looking honey. Wow - usually they pick a picture to flatter themselves, this one played her looks down.
"Oh, you must be Ryder02, I'll just go and get her" Oh. Bugger.
Then she came to the door. I doubted the door would be big enough and she would have use the garage entrance to exit the house. But this thing was not merely the size of the thing from Cloverfield, but its' uglier sister. Some fat women are, despite what many ARRSER's would imply, actually quite pretty. This thing wasn't.
I thought about just running - but being the gentleman decided a quiet evening wouldn't scar my mind too much. By a miracle she managed to shoehorn her hippo sized arrse into my tiny little car and we departed to the pub.
There are several things that are imprinted, nay seared, into my memory from this night. "Err, you look a bit different from your pictures on the site?". "Yeh, they were taken before I had my three kids". The looks of my fellow pub goers as I walked in with this monster - occasionally when I walk into a bar with a hot girl she gets a second look due to her looks. This one got a full on second look as in "What the f**k is that?".
Oh and the best one was her asking if I fancied a threeway with her ex-husband. I was sick a little in my mouth at that suggestion.
 
#15
Some hunt ball job and I have managed to get myself ratted with Lenny the Fucking Liability, drinking single malt with Carly chasers. Or maybe the other way round. And I'm cracking on to this tall blond in a little black dress giving it six nowt about "Come the fucking revolution, all up against the wall and gut shot. Fucking chinless blood sucking inbred worthless pervert child molesting parasite cunts (etc)".

And an old boy bools up and says "Are you all right darling?" And she says "Yes, I am fine" and he fucks off.

I ask "So what does your Dad do for a living then?" And she says "Well, he is still the Duke".

She ended up marrying some property developer reptile. Lasted 5 years. She runs a mud caked animal sanctuary thing up Rothbury way I hear. She had her chance. And she fucking blew it.
I now try and learn a bit about people before I meet them, lest one of my many, many strong opinions offend them. The main one is 'you're not related to any politicians are you?'
 
T

Tremaine

Guest
#16
Guilty of dating Goofy's sister. First because on leave back in '76 in Leicester , we 'd stick adverts for women in the Leicester Mercury, under box numbers. Scribbled applications would follow, no photographs but always phone numbers, and we'd have to choose which one to take out. Trem decides to arrange two meets under the Clock Tower and pick the better bet. The genius in this was, once you'd clocked them both, the trotter would be ignored and left to stand in the rain til they took the hint. Turning up at location, Trem spies a big rack and decent pins, and the other one a short dumpy sort from the Dingles clan. No contest. Sod's fucking law as big rack turns out to have the biggest ever top set of molars sticking out over her chin. Dinner with Shergar not knowing whether to give her a curry or a fucking nose bag. No shag as you wouldn't fancy her taking your throat out.

The learning difficulties hadn't improved up to five years ago. Decent blonde in Guzz that put out first time was lying in bed with Trem on the ground floor Flat one Sunday morning. Knock at the window and high heels round the back door. Dotty the posh squeeze wanted coffee and pork for breakfast. One in bed, one outside, one problem until I got rid of Dotty. "Who was that?" says blonde. "It was Alan" says I. "Oh so Alan wear high heels does he, good job I hadn't got me face on, I can't go out there without make up and smack her one" But she did belt me instead. You wonder why you bother.
 
#18
A long time ago I spent several weeks chasing a bird in Germany after getting a date with said bird she took me home and promptly took me to bed, unfortunately the next day whilst on battle pt I was bragging that I had finally pulled said bird sadly for me the full screw PT over heard me it turned out it was his wife and he was on guard commander very pain full for this call sign.
 

Soggy4978

Old-Salt
Book Reviewer
#19
First date with a girl I'd liked for years, plucked up the courage to ask her out not long after leaving the mob: drank a bottle of rum prior to taking her to a tedious party and leaving her on the balcony to chat with an obnoxious ex D&D of my acquaintance whilst I spent an hour or so inside hoovering up the white powder he'd foolishly left unattended. Then insisted she come back to mine and watch Wayne's World. I must be better looking than I give myself credit for though as she's still putting up with me after all these years.

Or there's the bird I took to a gig and forgot I was there with her whilst I spent a couple of hours skanking away to ska on my own. By the time I remembered she was there she wasn't anymore.
 
#20
All I can say is beware of girls you meet online who have lots of photos of themselves from the neck up on their profiles, some obese girls for some reason still have thin faces with no double chins which they use to their advantage while snaring men online, fell foul of it myself about 4 years ago! Very good looking in the pictures, but when I knocked on the door I was greeted by a whale with an arse like two planets colliding in a pair of kegs, que a very awkward date with me putting on a nice facade while thinking of any excuse to get away quick sharp!
 

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