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  1. Whilst on exercise, early eighties, we were doing the old dawn stand to.  the BSM was walking round kicking people to ensure they were awake and looking the right way.  As he was walking round he saw that the chef, whilst lighting the No1 burner, had set fire to his tent.  the BSM on seeing the middle of the hide on fire shouts "FIRE" seconds later shots were being fired all round the location.  He now shouts "Cease fire", everyone stops only to start again 30 seconds later when he again shouts "FIRE"... it took about 10 minutes for the message to get around and people to stop shooting.
  2. What's a chef? :D
  3. You didn't light a No1 burner - you lit a match somewhere in the vicinity, covered your eyes and hoped that you had judged the right fuel/air mix before it erupted in flame.
  4. Ah...the No 1 burner...a brilliant design...for a jet engine. Scary watching some poor innocent leaning into a trench to try and light one    ;D
  5. An MFC was running up a hill, trying to co-ordinate mortar fire that was starting to land very close to his Company.  He was fat, knackered, a heavy smoker and running up hill.  Comms were bad.  

    The radio message went something like this:

    Hello (puff, pant) 0 this (puff pant) is (pant) M (puff) 21A, Check (puff pant) fire over

    0, say again all after check, over

    M (puff pant) 2 (pant) 1 (puff) A, fire, over

    0, firing now, out.

    Must be true!
  6. A few years back, the US Navy conducted a major exercise off the north-east coast, the undoubted highlight of which was the radio conversation below, between the US flagship (can't remember what it was called, so have invented a name) and a Canadian Coastguard callsign:

    Canadians: US vessels, you are on a collision course, suggest you alter course 15 degrees starboard.

    Americans: Negative, you are required to alter your course 15 degrees to port.

    Canadians: We cannot do that.  You must alter course 15 degrees to starboard to avoid collision.

    Americans:  This is the USS Schnitzengruber - we are the largest ship in the US fleet.  We have a carrier group of twenty major ships in our formation.  You are required to alter your course 15 degrees to port, or accept the consequences!

    Canadians:  We are a lighthouse.  Your call.
  7. Good CO

    Good CO LE Admin

    There are loads aren't there?  We all know someone who knew someone who was there as well..  RMAS Floppy stories are some of the best, of course:

    African student, early set of orders (pseudo African accent required):  "Ground.  The ground is all around.  Enemy.  Those who are not with us are against us".

    Arab student under interrogation: "Mr Achmed, where the **** is the GPMG?".  "I buried it CSgt".  "You f....rant...rage etc..".  "Don't worry CSgt. My father, he will buy you another".
  8. When I heard it, it was a Nigerian student and a Karl Gustav 84mm. Still, works the same...
  9. I once met the CSgt on a train between Hemel Hempstead and Staines. Which was nice.
  10. Not THE CSgt!?!  Now that is a story!!!
  11. I heard that we were going to get some decent uniform and equipment that works
  12. Harry you nearly sounded like you believed it.....but seen your posts and know you didnt.
  13. German, mid-80s. REFORGER. Me + Sqn 2i/c doing Sqn recce in Rover, howling through woods in Rover, having great time. We - lousy scumbag Commie Red Forces, unaccountably lost our markings. EW Regiments well advised to keep low profile, after all.

    Came across LONG column of M1A1s, Bradleys etc - US-based bn of 2 AD. Blue Forces.

    Stop, helpful. Approach cluster of confused Americans trying to read red marking on map using red torch. 2i/c introduces himself, asks what problem is.

    "We're lost, Captain - can you tell us where we are?"

    2i/c, with impeccable Wykehamist courtesy, turns to me, asks:

    "Can you tell these gentlemen where we are, please, Sergeant?"

    "Certainly Sir. Gentlemen, you are in the Federal Republic of Germany."


    "I hope this helps, Colonel. A very good morning to you."
  14. Wish I had paid more attention to BATCO
  15. CGS

    CGS War Hero Moderator

    Wish I'd paid more attention when my boss found me working on this site at work.

    Interview without coffee tomorroy apparently.

    CGS will NOT be appeating in the Queen's Birthday Honours List, methinks