Whilst on exercise, early eighties, we were doing the old dawn stand to.  the BSM was walking round kicking people to ensure they were awake and looking the right way.  As he was walking round he saw that the chef, whilst lighting the No1 burner, had set fire to his tent.  the BSM on seeing the middle of the hide on fire shouts "FIRE" seconds later shots were being fired all round the location.  He now shouts "Cease fire", everyone stops only to start again 30 seconds later when he again shouts "FIRE"... it took about 10 minutes for the message to get around and people to stop shooting.


You didn't light a No1 burner - you lit a match somewhere in the vicinity, covered your eyes and hoped that you had judged the right fuel/air mix before it erupted in flame.


Ah...the No 1 burner...a brilliant design...for a jet engine. Scary watching some poor innocent leaning into a trench to try and light one    ;D


An MFC was running up a hill, trying to co-ordinate mortar fire that was starting to land very close to his Company.  He was fat, knackered, a heavy smoker and running up hill.  Comms were bad.  

The radio message went something like this:

Hello (puff, pant) 0 this (puff pant) is (pant) M (puff) 21A, Check (puff pant) fire over

0, say again all after check, over

M (puff pant) 2 (pant) 1 (puff) A, fire, over

0, firing now, out.

Must be true!
A few years back, the US Navy conducted a major exercise off the north-east coast, the undoubted highlight of which was the radio conversation below, between the US flagship (can't remember what it was called, so have invented a name) and a Canadian Coastguard callsign:

Canadians: US vessels, you are on a collision course, suggest you alter course 15 degrees starboard.

Americans: Negative, you are required to alter your course 15 degrees to port.

Canadians: We cannot do that.  You must alter course 15 degrees to starboard to avoid collision.

Americans:  This is the USS Schnitzengruber - we are the largest ship in the US fleet.  We have a carrier group of twenty major ships in our formation.  You are required to alter your course 15 degrees to port, or accept the consequences!

Canadians:  We are a lighthouse.  Your call.

Good CO

There are loads aren't there?  We all know someone who knew someone who was there as well..  RMAS Floppy stories are some of the best, of course:

African student, early set of orders (pseudo African accent required):  "Ground.  The ground is all around.  Enemy.  Those who are not with us are against us".

Arab student under interrogation: "Mr Achmed, where the **** is the GPMG?".  "I buried it CSgt".  "You f....rant...rage etc..".  "Don't worry CSgt. My father, he will buy you another".


I once met the CSgt on a train between Hemel Hempstead and Staines. Which was nice.


Harry you nearly sounded like you believed it.....but seen your posts and know you didnt.


Book Reviewer
German, mid-80s. REFORGER. Me + Sqn 2i/c doing Sqn recce in Rover, howling through woods in Rover, having great time. We - lousy scumbag Commie Red Forces, unaccountably lost our markings. EW Regiments well advised to keep low profile, after all.

Came across LONG column of M1A1s, Bradleys etc - US-based bn of 2 AD. Blue Forces.

Stop, helpful. Approach cluster of confused Americans trying to read red marking on map using red torch. 2i/c introduces himself, asks what problem is.

"We're lost, Captain - can you tell us where we are?"

2i/c, with impeccable Wykehamist courtesy, turns to me, asks:

"Can you tell these gentlemen where we are, please, Sergeant?"

"Certainly Sir. Gentlemen, you are in the Federal Republic of Germany."


"I hope this helps, Colonel. A very good morning to you."


Wish I had paid more attention to BATCO


War Hero
Wish I'd paid more attention when my boss found me working on this site at work.

Interview without coffee tomorroy apparently.

CGS will NOT be appeating in the Queen's Birthday Honours List, methinks
My pet floppy at Sandhurst.

Whilst lying on stag obviously fast asleep big cartoon ZZZs emanating from his location CSgt Nasty B’Stard kicks said floppy.

Is it end of my stag.


Then why you wake me?

Nasser this goes out to you from the Boys of 7 platoon, get ye head down mate.
I had a minor royal in my Pl who didn't know how to turn on an iron. We were stood in front of the big white building one morning when the ASM was doing an inspection. Stood next to minor blue-blood was an ex Cdt RSM in the CCF and OTC JOU who knew his way round his kit. ASM inspects minor bluey and snorts some insult or other and steps accross to switched-on mate. ASM runs his fingers under mate's cap rim (immaculate turn out, but the ASM being the ASM found a dust atom from somewhere) and inspected the end of his white gloved finger. Stepping back to blue-blooded mate the ASM pulls a strange face before screaming "GET OFF MY PARADE; YOU'RE INFECTING THE OTHERS!!!!!!" and marches him off for 20 mins of guardroom PT.
I recall a story that regularly does the rounds in BFG. Although the validity of it cannot be proven I pray that this exchange took place:

Picture a busy German town on a Saturday morning with thick crowds everywhere. A young Army wife with her tribe in tow enters a packed department store where the advanced stages of shopping induced stress are evident. One of her little brats decides to play up and warrants a good public smacking on the arse which he indeed receives. A German woman pompously approches the worn out mother to explain "In Germany ve do not smack our children"!  To which the mother pricelessly retorts "Well in Britain we don't gas our Jews. F*** Off!

Apparently this got quite political and the Mother in question was asked to return to Germany.

Who knows?

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