Filthy songs for nippers

[topkop]

this is the tale of mary mo ya ho ya ho
this is the tale of mary mo ya ho ya ho
this is the tale of mary she was born a virgin and died a pro
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her toe ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her toe ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her toe she said wee man yer afy slow
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her knee ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her knee ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her knee she said wee man its afy wee
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her thigh ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her thigh ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her thigh she said wee man yer afy sly
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her crack ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her crack ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her crack she said wee man yer gettin the nack
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her tum ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her tum ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her tum she said wee man no in there thats ma bum
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her breast ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her breast ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her breast she said wee man yer wany ma best
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her neck ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her neck ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her neck she said wee man ah take cash or cheque
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

ah put ma hand apon her head ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her head ya ho ya ho
ah put ma hand apon her head a thought oh fcuksake a think shes dead
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

and now shes in a wooden box ya ho ya ho
and now shes in a wooden box ya ho ya ho
and now shes in a wooden box the fukcing cow gave me the POX
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

and now she at the pearly gates ya ho ya ho
and now she at the pearly gates ya ho ya ho
and now she at the pearly gates she flogging her mutton for 1 and 8
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho


and now she in the fires of hell ya ho ya ho
and now she in the fires of hell ya ho ya ho
and now she in the fires of hell she gave st peter the pox as well
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

and now she sits at the devils side ya ho ya ho
and now she sits at the devils side ya ho ya ho
and now she sits at the devils side she still charges cnuts a shilling a ride
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

that was the tale of mary mo ya ho ya ho
that was the tale of mary mo ya ho ya ho
that was the tale of mary she was born a virgin and died a pro
get it in get it out stop fcuking about ya ho ya ho ya ho

I Thank You

 

[Tramlines]

As sung to me by my dad, which he claimed to have made up himself.

(To the tune of the can can.)

French floozies with their tits all flapping
you can hear them flopping
it will make you bloody nauseous

As they lift their skirts up
there's a waft of odour
it will knock you over

You'll be phisically sick.

(leg kicking optional.)

 

[Ancient_Mariner]

Beware.

Imbuing of youngsters with a knowledge of gynaecology and genitourinary medicine that ill befits their tender years is, arguably, a laudable act of educational philanthropy. However, it can all go horribly wrong when when your five year old daughter starts primary school and:-

- Becomes known to teachers and pupils alike as 'Sweary Mary' within her first week of school.

- Is able to lead discussions among her peers regarding the relative merits of anal vs vaginal vs "ear 'ole" intercourse.

- Displays a keen entrepreneurial spirit by offering 'blugh jobs' to anybody in possession of chocolate.

- Upon being instructed to sit down, advises her teacher of exactly which part of a prostitute's anatomy the teacher smells like.

- Results in both parents being 'invited' to the school to attend a meeting with the head master, only to find on arrival that social services and a LEA child psychologist have been invited along too.

Dad had to be recalled from his ship. The parents concerned still bear the mental scars.

 

[JoeCivvie]

My 5 y.o. daughter - when I've done the traditional 'This little piggy went to market' on one of her feet, I do my onw version on the other:

This little piggy went for bacon,
this little piggy went for ham,
this little piggy went for gammon,
this little piggy went for spam,
and THIS little piggy said blow this for a game of soldiers and ran all the way home.

 

[whitmos]

Magic thread, the marvels of the English language!

Oh Darling Grace,
I love your face,
I love you in your nightie,
when the moonlight flits
across your tits,

Oh Jesus Christ Almighty

 

[Chef]

To the tune of 'My sunshine girl' Herman's Hermits

'Sunshine girl I'm looking down your bra
I see two mountains
I wonder what they are?
Do you invite me
To squeeze them tightly?
Not bloody likely!
My sunshine girl.'

Primary school 66/67

 

[bomb_mac]

To the tune of 'My sunshine girl' Herman's Hermits

'Sunshine girl I'm looking down your bra
I see two mountains
I wonder what they are?
Do you invite me
To squeeze them tightly?
Not bloody likely!
My sunshine girl.'

Primary school 66/67

Kin'ell that took me straight back

 

[smallheathen]

To the tune of 'My sunshine girl' Herman's Hermits

'Sunshine girl I'm looking down your bra
I see two mountains
I wonder what they are?
Do you invite me
To squeeze them tightly?
Not bloody likely!
My sunshine girl.'

Primary school 66/67

Kin'ell that took me straight back

Me too!

 

[smallheathen]

From the same era:

"Come away, Come away with William Tell,
Stick you finger up your Arrse and yell,
When it's brown, bring it down,
Spread it all around,
And never mind the smell"

 

[Negligent-Discharge]

Time for a brew........... I used to sing

I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a caravan
I sleep with my Granny
And tickle her Fanny
I'm Popeye the sailor man

The kids loved it, but father-in-law didn't when he picked them up and they bellowed it out the car window. Fecking RN officers... no sense of humour.

Anyone remember "There was an old lady of 92 - parlez-vous" ?

 

[Kit Monkey]

Apparently theres a good version of "Men Of Harlech"

Any takers to supply it ?

 

[TamH70]

I have one, a cruder version of that fucking Tellytubby song all my nieces and nephews end up squawking at me. (love them really but, seriously, the tellytubby song? can they not sing something better/)

Well, yeah, they can now.

Stinky-winky,
Dip-shit,
Ka-ka,
Spew.

Smelly Tubbies,
Smelly Tubbies,
Say "Fuck You"
(kids repeat "Fuck You", as best they can )

and:

"The sun is falling doon the pan,
Tubbys say
"Where's my fucking can?"

Closing theme tune.

Tam

 

[MadKev]

Anyone remember "There was an old lady of 92 - parlez-vous" ?

Hell's teeth, that knocked me back, what worries me more is I immediately recalled so much of it. There's a strong theory for teaching 7 year-old kids by rote.

There was an old lady of 92, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of 92, parlez-vous,
There was an old lady of 92, she did a fart instead of a poo,
Inky-pinky parlez-vous

The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous
The fart went rolling down the street, parlez-vous
The fart went rolling down the street, kocked a copper off his feet,
Inky-pinky parlez-vous

The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous
The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous
The copper got out his rusty pistol, shot the fart from here to Bristol,
Inky-pinky parlez-vous

The mayor of Bristol was eating tarts, parlez-vous
The mayor of Bristol was eating tarts, parlez-vous
The mayor of Bristol was eating tarts, he ate the fart instead of the tart,
Inky-pinky parlez-vous

and so on. MK

 

[YARRR]

Mary had a little lamb
she also had a duck
she set them on the mantlepiece
to see if they would fcuk




Mary had a little lamb
a bundle of fun and frolics
she threw it up it to the air
and caught it by the bollox

 

[Dannyboyo]

Spider spider on the wall, you think your smart you know fuck all
You've climbed a wall that's just been plastard now your stuck you stupid bastard!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some hanky panky
But stupid Jill forgot her pill and now theres little franky!

 

[therealbigdizzle]

Simple Simon saw the Pie Man going to the fair, so
Simple Simon said to Pie Man 'what do you have there?'
So said Pie Man unto Simon
'Pies you cunt'

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses
And all the kings men,
Said "F*ck him,
He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass,
And turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the Money.